Natalie Haynes: Let's start by losing those property shows

The thing is...

Share
Related Topics

The thing is that whatever the BBC cuts, it will be something someone loves. Much as the sections of the press would have us believe that each open-plan office at the BBC contains one, carefully-chosen person systematically torching fivers with the most expensive matches money can buy, it isn't true.

Making television is an expensive business, and that isn't because of executive pay. You could fire the Director General tomorrow, and his annual salary would pay for three episodes of Eastenders. And if that makes Eastenders sound pricey, it works out at 3.5p per viewer, per episode. Which, for half an hour of pleasure (albeit derived from the misery of others), is market-stall cheap.

Cost-cutting proposals the BBC is considering are said to include axing the endless parade of property shows that fill its afternoon schedules. I find I could live without these quite easily – I pretty much never want to watch people whose teeth have chipped a little on their silver spoons whining about how the mansion they're looking at is a bit near a road that poor people may once have walked down in their hunt for menial labour.

And while I'm at it, all those antiques programmes can go too. These are known in my house as "the tat carousel", so convinced am I that they feature maybe 30 pieces of poisonously unattractive ceramic in total, migrating from one programme to another, being bought at a car boot sale and then sold at an auction before being dug out of someone's attic and beginning the whole sorry journey again.

If the BBC truly cared about us, they would scrap the lot and replace it with re-runs of Diagnosis Murder, Perry Mason and Columbo, like they used to before men with bouffant hair and ludicrous spectacles managed to convince some commissioner that an ornamental inkwell, grasped between the paws of a stuffed otter, made for good TV.

The BBC is also considering ending its overnight programming. Which doesn't sound too bad, until you realise they're measuring overnight from 10.35pm, which may be late-night for an eight-year-old, but isn't for most of us. Why not switch to repeats of the Learning Zone and Open University programmes after midnight instead? That way we can keep Later with Jools Holland, The Graham Norton Show and my beloved Review Show.

Natalie Haynes will be appearing on the 'Review Show' tomorrow night at 11pm

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Chiropractic Assistant

£16500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Chiropractic Assistant is needed in a ...

Recruitment Genius: Digital Account Executive - Midlands

£18000 - £26000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: They work with major vehicle ma...

Recruitment Genius: Web Developer

£28000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This company provides coaching ...

Ashdown Group: Front-End UI Application Developer

£30000 - £40000 per annum + Benefits: Ashdown Group: Front-End UI Application ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Errors & Omissions: how to spell BBQ and other linguistic irregularities

Guy Keleny
 

South Africa's race problem is less between black and white than between poor blacks and immigrants from sub-Saharan Africa

John Carlin
Timeless drama of Championship race in league of its own - Michael Calvin

Michael Calvin's Last Word

Timeless drama of Championship race in league of its own
Where the spooks get their coffee fix: The busiest Starbucks in the US is also the most secretive

The secret CIA Starbucks

The coffee shop is deep inside the agency's forested Virginia compound
Revealed: How the Establishment closed ranks over fallout from Loch Ness Monster 'sighting'

How the Establishment closed ranks over fallout from Nessie 'sighting'

The Natural History Museum's chief scientist was dismissed for declaring he had found the monster
One million Britons using food banks, according to Trussell Trust

One million Britons using food banks

Huge surge in number of families dependent on emergency food aid
Excavation at Italian cafe to fix rising damp unearths 2,500 years of history in 3,000 amazing objects

2,500 years of history in 3,000 amazing objects

Excavation at Italian cafe to fix rising damp unearths trove
The Hubble Space Telescope's amazing journey, 25 years on

The Hubble Space Telescope's amazing journey 25 years on

The space telescope was seen as a costly flop on its first release
Did Conservative peer Lord Ashcroft quit the House of Lords to become a non-dom?

Did Lord Ashcroft quit the House of Lords to become a non-dom?

A document seen by The Independent shows that a week after he resigned from the Lords he sold 350,000 shares in an American company - netting him $11.2m
Apple's ethnic emojis are being used to make racist comments on social media

Ethnic emojis used in racist comments

They were intended to promote harmony, but have achieved the opposite
Sir Kenneth Branagh interview: 'My bones are in the theatre'

Sir Kenneth Branagh: 'My bones are in the theatre'

The actor-turned-director’s new company will stage five plays from October – including works by Shakespeare and John Osborne
The sloth is now the face (and furry body) of three big advertising campaigns

The sloth is the face of three ad campaigns

Priya Elan discovers why slow and sleepy wins the race for brands in need of a new image
How to run a restaurant: As two newbies discovered, there's more to it than good food

How to run a restaurant

As two newbies discovered, there's more to it than good food
Record Store Day: Remembering an era when buying and selling discs were labours of love

Record Store Day: The vinyl countdown

For Lois Pryce, working in a record shop was a dream job - until the bean counters ruined it
Usher, Mary J Blige and Will.i.am to give free concert as part of the Global Poverty Project

Mary J Blige and Will.i.am to give free concert

The concert in Washington is part of the Global Citizen project, which aims to encourage young people to donate to charity
10 best tote bags

Accessorise with a stylish shopper this spring: 10 best tote bags

We find carriers with room for all your essentials (and a bit more)
Paul Scholes column: I hear Manchester City are closing on Pep Guardiola for next summer – but I'd also love to see Jürgen Klopp managing in England

Paul Scholes column

I hear Manchester City are closing on Pep Guardiola for next summer – but I'd also love to see Jürgen Klopp managing in England