This is what Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are planning for the final seven days of the US presidential campaign

On Thursday, Donald Trump says he never could have touched anyone because of his tiny, tiny hands. Hillary Clinton promises to be the most transparent President ever – if elected, she'll even take off her mask and reveal her true, lizard face

Donald Trump speaks to a crowd of donors at the McGlohon Theater in Charlotte on October 26 (Logan R Cyrus/AFP)

We are seven days away from the end of the most divisive, funny, sad, bizarre and destructive US Presidential election of all time.

To say this has been a painful cycle would be an understatement. Every time it’s gotten bad, it got more than worse.

Here is what to expect over the final seven days as we complete our descent into electoral hell.

Tuesday 1st November

Hillary promises to only use a Yahoo! email account from now on so that everyone can read her emails.

Donald Trump makes another speech saying that Hillary’s use of secret emails proves she is incapable of being President. He says he’s proven how he can keep a secret – just look at how he's kept his tax returns under wraps.

Wednesday 2nd November

Hillary is asked by a reporter why she isn’t further ahead of Trump. Her words say, “We continue to fight for every vote” but her eyes say, “I don’t know what more I can do to prove that I’m ready for this. I’ve got a better resume for President than God had for the post of Almighty.”

Donald continues to say that he knows the election is rigged – if he loses. But he says if he wins he will guarantee no future votes are fraudulent by cancelling any further elections.

Thursday 3rd November

After a dozen more women step forward to claim they were grabbed by Donald, the Trump campaign says he could never have touched anyone because he does in fact have tiny, tiny hands.

Hillary continues to be dogged by claims she lied when she said she had disclosed everything about her emails. She promises if elected to be the most transparent President ever. She will even remove her facemask and show everyone her true, lizard face.

Friday 4th November

Donald Trump challenges Hillary Clinton to an arm-wrestling match, but when she says she’ll do it, he backs out as his hands are too small.

Hillary, in a new effort to be less secretive, starts tweeting selfies of her and Bill having “quality time” together. The photos cause her support to go down by three percentage points, except for with Trump supporters, where pollsters see an unexpected rise.

Saturday 5th November

Chelsea Clinton makes a major speech to discuss how open and honest her mother is. Chelsea says she believes that Santa Claus is real, because her mother told her so.

Donald Trump responds by saying that Santa won’t be needed any more, because he knows more about Christmas than Santa’s elves and he will bomb the sh*t out of the North Pole if Santa tries to invade the United States on Christmas Eve.

Sunday 6th November

Hillary Clinton denies drop-kicking Al Gore into the stratosphere for inventing the internet.

Donald Trump gives another $25m dollars to his campaign to pay outstanding invoices to Trump Incorporated for campaign-related expenses. He laughs himself to sleep in a pile of money for the 400th consecutive night since he declared his candidacy.

Monday 7th November

The Statue of Liberty starts weeping.

Tuesday 8th November

Trump supporters turn up at polling stations wearing white sheets, to monitor voting in predominately African American neighbourhoods. When challenged, they say they are just dressed as ghosts and were trying to scare away voter fraud.

Hillary says if you don’t elect her, she will never, ever, ever, ever stop running.

Wednesday 9th November

We find out who won, but we already know the rest of us all lost.

Erich McElroy is a UK-based American comedian and pundit