Screw you Tesco and Ribena, gimme the hard stuff

Education is going to make the kids eat and drink better, not forcing them to head to Sainsbury's for a juice box

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Tesco shocked the nation today by deciding to remove from its shelves Ribena, Capri Sun and other soft drinks you fondly remember chugging like it was the elixir of life after running directionless around the playground at lunch during your youth.

"Thanks for all the love," RibenaUK wrote on Twitter after Brits overturned Tesco Extras with their bare hands and started petitions for blackcurrants to become the official currency of the United Kingdom.

"Don’t worry, you can still buy Ribena Squash, 500ml bottles and No Added Sugar cartons in Tesco!"

No added sugar cartons, where's the fun in that? If I'm going to drink Ribena, I'm going to drink Ribena so thick and syrupy it could be used to lubricate a combustion engine, so sugary it leaves me doing the hopscotch five miles after the chalk track ran out.

"We want to help our customers make healthier choices and that’s why we have pledged to continue to cut sugar from the food and drink on our shelves," Tesco said in a statement, interestingly making no mention of banning the also definitely consumed by children Coca-Cola, Pepsi, Sprite, or the beverage equivalents of bath salts, Relentless and Monster.

"From September all the children’s juice drinks we sell will have no added sugar in them because we know it’ll make a positive difference to children’s health," it added.

I hope Tesco thinks the positive PR of being seen to have children's health interests at heart is worth the vitriol of shoppers and drop in profits, especially given it’s a completely hollow gesture.

As long as the nation continues to think it's acceptable to eat a 500ml carton of Ben & Jerry's Karamel Sutra Core ice cream in one sitting (full disclosure: I did this last night) the nation's nutrition won't be improving any time soon.

It will take some sort of Rousseauian acceptance that healthy living will lead to a greater sense of well-being to change our eating and drinking habits, not removing certain Ribena cartons from the shelves of certain supermarkets.

Now where's the undiluted bottle, I'm going to chug that stuff until it cerebrally dissociates me from this horror.