Super Tuesday is upon us. It’s the day when a huge chunk of votes are cast for the US Presidential hopefuls and delegates selected in the race to become the next President of the United States. This is the day the selection process goes from crazy-golf to pro-course. And this year the course belongs to Donald J Trump. Crazy has gone pro.
The Donald has repeatedly promised voters he’s going to “Make America Great Again” and he already leads in Republican delegates by a decent margin.
A big haul of delegates means the unreality of a Donald Trump presidency just got real. If he does as well as expected on Super Tuesday he will be an undeniable winner. Something he has humbly been telling us all along.
It’s time to start visualising what a Trump presidency will be like. Most Presidential candidates talk a lot about what they will accomplish in their first 100 days. But Trump is a new kind of leader. And is making America great again won’t take 100 days. For President Trump, all you need to look at will be his first 100 minutes.
Date: January 20th 2017
09.00 Donald John Trump Jr is sworn in as the 45th President of the United States of America.
09.01 Trump calls for 20th January to be a national holiday, calling it National “I’ve Made America Great Day.”
09.05 Trump announces he will be relocating his offices to Trump Towers in New York until such time as his team of workers can tear down the White House and replace it with something suitable. Something “greater.” To save money on the demolition he will use the same illegal immigrant workers he used to build Trump Tower.
09.07 Trump accepts the resignation of Vice President Sarah Palin, and nominates himself to take the job personally.
09.12 To show his appreciation for all the “poorly educated voters” that he “absolutely loves” Trump fires everyone at the Department of Education.
09.14 Requires every American to buy their own gun, to stop the sale of illegal weapons.
09.21 Trump signs an executive order that the Department of Education will be staffed by people who ran his now defunct Trump University. They are available because they haven’t had jobs since the University was closed following allegations of fraud.
09.26 Decrees the name “Global Warming” to be “Better Weather for Golfing.”
09.34 Pardons himself for any acts of fraud in the case against Trump University.
09.45 Orders the carpet bombing of all ISIS territories and also the wind farm ruining the view off the coast of his golf course in Scotland.
09.54 Announces he won’t need to deport any immigrants from the United States, because after he won they all left. One immigrant said she couldn’t wait to get back to the streets of Honduras, because she felt safer there being forced to work for local drug lords. Plus, the wages she gets from the drug gang are more than she got working for Trump.
10.13 Submits his receipts from his ‘self-funded’ campaign to the Treasury to get fully reimbursed for his expenses.
10.17 Declares all taxes illegal. Specifically for companies he owns.
10.25 Construction begins on a wall to close the border. it’s started by Canada to stop people fleeing from the U.S.
10.27 Signs a ban on all Muslims coming to the U.S. as well as anyone who likes hummus.
10.34 Announces that in order to protect free speech he is nationalizing all newspapers. All media will be vetted by the newly created Office Of Greater Speech.
10.37 Pardons himself for any future crimes, such as bankrupting the United States.
10.39 He declares America, like four of the companies he has previously run, is bankrupt.
10.40 He resigns the presidency after selling the United States at a “very good price” to his “very good friend” Vladimir Putin.
Donald Trump's most controversial quotes
Donald Trump's most controversial quotes
1/14 On Isis:
"Some of the candidates, they went in and didn’t know the air conditioner didn’t work and sweated like dogs, and they didn’t know the room was too big because they didn’t have anybody there. How are they going to beat ISIS?"
2/14 On immigration:
"I will build a great wall — and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me —and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words."
3/14 On Free Trade:
"Free trade is terrible. Free trade can be wonderful if you have smart people. But we have stupid people."
PAUL J. RICHARDS | AFP | Getty Images
4/14 On Mexicans:
"When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending people that have lots of problems. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists."
5/14 On China:
"I just sold an apartment for $15 million to somebody from China. Am I supposed to dislike them?... I love China. The biggest bank in the world is from China. You know where their United States headquarters is located? In this building, in Trump Tower."
6/14 On work:
"If you're interested in 'balancing' work and pleasure, stop trying to balance them. Instead make your work more pleasurable."
7/14 On success:
"What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to each new twist of fate."
8/14 On life:
"Everything in life is luck."
9/14 On ambition:
"You have to think anyway, so why not think big?"
10/14 On his opponents:
"Bush is totally in favour of Common Core. I don't see how he can possibly get the nomination. He's weak on immigration. He's in favour of Common Core. How the hell can you vote for this guy? You just can't do it."
11/14 On Obamacare:
"You have to be hit by a tractor, literally, a tractor, to use it, because the deductibles are so high. It's virtually useless. And remember the $5 billion web site?... I have so many web sites, I have them all over the place. I hire people, they do a web site. It costs me $3."
12/14 On Barack Obama:
"Obama is going to be out playing golf. He might be on one of my courses. I would invite him. I have the best courses in the world. I have one right next to the White House."
13/14 On himself:
"Love him or hate him, Trump is a man who is certain about what he wants and sets out to get it, no holds barred. Women find his power almost as much of a turn-on as his money."
14/14 On America:
"The American Dream is dead. But if I get elected president I will bring it back bigger and better and stronger than ever before and we will make America great again."
10.41 President Putin thanks Mr. Trump for his service and compliments him on having made America Great Again. Or as it will now be called the Russian Federation of America.
And that’s it. After 100 minutes, Trump leaves with his family to retire on Trump Island, formerly known as Honolulu. The island was seized by the family at 9.18am using a legal maneuver called ‘eminent domain.’ It's a law Trump used in the past to take land from a widow to build a parking garage.
Sounds pretty great, doesn't it?
Erich McElroy is a British-based American comedian. He is doing a series of shows in London in the run up to the election. Details at www.erichmcelroy.com Follow him @erichmcelroy