Super Tuesday special: Donald Trump's first 100 minutes in office

Construction begins on a wall to close the border. it’s started by Canada to stop people fleeing from the U.S. And all Muslims are banned from America, including people who like hummus

Super Tuesday is upon us. It’s the day when a huge chunk of votes are cast for the US Presidential hopefuls and delegates selected in the race to become the next President of the United States. This is the day the selection process goes from crazy-golf to pro-course. And this year the course belongs to Donald J Trump. Crazy has gone pro.

The Donald has repeatedly promised voters he’s going to “Make America Great Again” and he already leads in Republican delegates by a decent margin.

A big haul of delegates means the unreality of a Donald Trump presidency just got real. If he does as well as expected on Super Tuesday he will be an undeniable winner. Something he has humbly been telling us all along.

It’s time to start visualising what a Trump presidency will be like. Most Presidential candidates talk a lot about what they will accomplish in their first 100 days. But Trump is a new kind of leader. And is making America great again won’t take 100 days. For President Trump, all you need to look at will be his first 100 minutes.

Date: January 20th 2017

09.00 Donald John Trump Jr is sworn in as the 45th President of the United States of America.

09.01 Trump calls for 20th January to be a national holiday, calling it National “I’ve Made America Great Day.”

09.05 Trump announces he will be relocating his offices to Trump Towers in New York until such time as his team of workers can tear down the White House and replace it with something suitable. Something “greater.” To save money on the demolition he will use the same illegal immigrant workers he used to build Trump Tower.

Donald-Trump.jpg
As a presidential candidate a decade after Trump Mortgages, Trump says he would use the skills that made him successful in real estate to fix Washington (Getty)

09.07 Trump accepts the resignation of Vice President Sarah Palin, and nominates himself to take the job personally.  

09.12  To show his appreciation for all the “poorly educated voters” that he “absolutely loves” Trump fires everyone at the Department of Education.

09.14 Requires every American to buy their own gun, to stop the sale of illegal weapons.

09.21 Trump signs an executive order that the Department of Education will be staffed by people who ran his now defunct Trump University. They are available because they haven’t had jobs since the University was closed following allegations of fraud.

09.26 Decrees the name “Global Warming” to be “Better Weather for Golfing.”

09.34 Pardons himself for any acts of fraud in the case against Trump University.

09.45 Orders the carpet bombing of all ISIS territories and also the wind farm ruining the view off the coast of his golf course in Scotland.

09.54 Announces he won’t need to deport any immigrants from the United States, because after he won they all left. One immigrant said she couldn’t wait to get back to the streets of Honduras, because she felt safer there being forced to work for local drug lords. Plus, the wages she gets from the drug gang are more than she got working for Trump.

Donald Trump: All Lives Mater

10.13 Submits his receipts from his ‘self-funded’ campaign to the Treasury to get fully reimbursed for his expenses.

10.17 Declares all taxes illegal. Specifically for companies he owns.

10.25 Construction begins on a wall to close the border. it’s started by Canada to stop people fleeing from the U.S.

10.27 Signs a ban on all Muslims coming to the U.S. as well as anyone who likes hummus.

10.34 Announces that in order to protect free speech he is nationalizing all newspapers. All media will be vetted by the newly created Office Of Greater Speech.

10.37 Pardons himself for any future crimes, such as bankrupting the United States.

10.39 He declares America, like four of the companies he has previously run, is bankrupt.

10.40 He resigns the presidency after selling the United States at a “very good price” to his “very good friend” Vladimir Putin.

10.41 President Putin thanks Mr. Trump for his service and compliments him on having made America Great Again. Or as it will now be called the Russian Federation of America.

And that’s it. After 100 minutes, Trump leaves with his family to retire on Trump Island, formerly known as Honolulu. The island was seized by the family at 9.18am using a legal maneuver called ‘eminent domain.’ It's a law Trump used in the past to take land from a widow to build a parking garage.

Sounds pretty great, doesn't it?

Erich McElroy is a British-based American comedian. He is doing a series of shows in London in the run up to the election. Details at www.erichmcelroy.com Follow him @erichmcelroy 

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