A chap is entitled to some relaxation
Lovely word, "mistress", because, in the face of all this, a chap needs all the diversion he can get. Not a lot of diversion, actually, because (to be frank) a chap has a bit of trouble in the old trouser department. To be frank, it's not all it should be. To be frank, it's nothing it should be, but when a chap slips away from a meeting in the Jaguar (never say "Jag" do you see, "Jag" is a bit common do you see?) on his way to the little flat in Dolphin Square or Nell Gwynne House, a chap feels good.
The one thing a chap must never do is allow himself to see his mistress as a human being. What you do with mistresses is buy them clothes. You can tell them anything you like - tell them you'll marry them, tell them it's only a matter of time, tell them you'll look after them for ever - but what you actually do is buy them clothes. Buy them clothes and throw tantrums and grope them under restaurant tables, but make sure you've got it all wrapped up, do you see?, make sure you have good legal advice. (Provincial solicitor, of course. Don't want word getting around. Reputation to think of.)
The law's on your side, of course. Equality, constrictive contracts, estoppel, blah. The law is for rich men, at least when it comes to mistresses. Of course it is. The law is by rich men, when it comes to mistresses, so no need to worry - take it from me - about buggering about a woman's life, smashing her hopes, keeping her on a money-chain. No no no: go right ahead, exercise power, do you see? Trouble in the trouser department, maybe, but none in the back pocket where the wallet lives, what? Johnny Wallet is still as virile, as tumescent and penetrating as ever it was and what one's wife - frightfully rich but mad as a bus - doesn't know about won't hurt her.
Lovely word, "mistress". Yes indeed. Do what you like, do you see? Steal her from her husband: piece of cake. Lonely woman, out in the sticks somewhere, no car, yearning for love, sitting duck. Offer her the world on a plate, London!, little flat in Dolphin Square or Nell Gwynne House, no need for her to go out, everything she wants, best if she doesn't, frankly, can't have her seeing other chaps, won't do, not part of the game. Best if a chap's not actually married, you see, but what you do, you keep the rich- but-mad one in the background by way of a stalking-horse, head the mistress off at the last fence, that's the way, and if the manure hits the air- conditioning, ha ha, here's a spot of advice: marry the rich one but don't tell the mistress. Only creates unpleasantness on all sides, and the mistress will come round in due course: a few shopping trips, a bit of old Johnny Smooth Talk, my advice is shed a tear or two if you can manage it, but nothing in writing, do you see? Nothing in writing.
Lovely word, "mistress". Bit of stuff in the papers recently about mistresses' rights, how the law's going to change, but everyone knows that a mistress's life is a different sort of thing - a lesser sort of thing, really - from a chap's life, a chap with money and vowels and cars and a rich (but barking) wife. Take my word: the law will always be on our side. Journalists would have us believe there are tens of thousands of women throughout the country being exploited, bullied, threatened, belittled by chaps, but journalists aren't one of us. Little ratweasels. It won't happen. There'll be no knock on the door, no porky burping bailiff serving writs, no humiliation, no infamy, no end to the fiction that a chap's a gentleman. Take my word on it.
Lovely word, "mistress". If you're one of us.
Arts & Ents blogs
St Patrick’s Day 2014: The worst Irish accents in film history
Grace Dent on TV: EDL Girls: Don’t Call Me Racist BBC 3
Best films on Netflix: 32 movies that will put an end to your scrolling
Chalkie Davies' stunning rock photographs: The Clash, Springsteen, Bowie and more
Game of Thrones star Sibel Kekilli wants more male nudity in the show
Katie Hopkins continues campaign to become Britain's most hated talking head with poorly timed Bob Crow tweet
No EU referendum under Labour: Ed Miliband to reveal that vote on membership is ‘unlikely’ in next Parliament if party wins power
Grace Dent: Who cares if she spells it Barraco Barner? Gemma Worrall is more employable than some bookish arts graduate
Europeans have ‘got whiter’ due to natural selection in past 5,000 years, scientists say
The rise of Ukip: Study warns Labour that Eurosceptic party's electoral base now 'more working class than any of the main parties'
Fracking is turning the US into a bigger oil producer than Saudi Arabia
- 1 Is your name now 'banned' in Saudi Arabia?
- 2 Best films on Netflix: 32 movies that will put an end to your scrolling
- 3 Istanbul protesters take 'Ellen selfie' from the back of a police van
- 4 Missing Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370: Jet ‘hijacking’ began soon after take-off
- 5 Lady Gaga has struggled with eating disorders in the past, so it's indefensible that she's glamourising bulimia in her SXSW set