A good idea from ... imperfections

A HIGH-STREET dentist has just opened near me, the type with large "before" and "after" photographs in the window. To the right of the door is a woman looking hung-over and glum. Her teeth are a bit crooked, too. Then to the left is the same woman beaming and bright-eyed. Her teeth are now symmetrical. pounds 54 plus VAT.

Many businesses are at it. If we eradicated our imperfections we would, they promise, be loved - or at least have sex more often. So we need to do something about the jumpers, hairdo, lack of confidence, shoes and lisp. But we should perhaps pause before spending. Lovers in the early throes of passion who dare to ask their beloved, "Why do you find me attractive?" are likely to come to some reassuring discoveries: we rarely prove attractive for the psychological and physical qualities we most value in ourselves.

Often the real reason our lover is keen is because we have a little mole on our chin, or can't quite pronounce our s's properly, or are shy with sales assistants, or own an ugly pair of pyjamas with an elephant pattern. When Anna Karenina falls in love with Vronsky, Tolstoy takes care to tell us that she is particularly keen on his slight lisp.

Are these not peculiar reasons for one person to like another? One would expect that physical deformities, ugly clothes and unfortunate traits would be tolerated, but for these things to form the basis of one person's enthusiasm for another appears to belong to the realms of psychopathology. And yet, if one looks into the reasons behind desire, there does seem a kind of logic as to why these imperfections should play such a role.

One explanation is that one of the best ways to become intimate is to share vulnerabilities. One grows close to someone by hearing of their anxieties rather than their triumphs. Invulnerability may be good in the boardroom and on the battlefield, but it is vulnerability that glues couples together. Therefore, if certain imperfections prove attractive, it may be because they are a sign of vulnerability and hence a promise of intimacy. The gappy teeth, moles, scars, mispronunciations or ugly pyjamas are gateways to a more private person.

When we complain of certain actors or models that, despite the symmetry of their faces, they are unattractive because they seem "plasticky" or "fake", what we may really be saying is that their lack of imperfections has left them invulnerable and hence unlovable. It is strange how often those who try to elicit our desire in advertising fail to understand this mechanism; photographers order their make-up artists to cover up blemishes on the skin, commercials directors want their actresses to dress perfectly and avoid slouching, fashion agents send models to dentists and hairdressers.

If only they understood desire better, they would understand the particular draw of the well-chosen imperfection.