After Hours

By and large I'm a dull bastard - it's the paradox of being a crazy knife-throwing performer. For my theatrical education, one of my colleagues took me to the Garrick Club (071-379 6478) for lunch. Apart from the oil paintings there are almost no actors there: it's all suits. Kenneth Clarke and Robin Day were in there . . . oh, and so was Richard Condon of Doctor in the House, and Peter Sallis (Cleggy in Last of the Summer Wine). The attendants are like something out of a Forties movie. It's worth going if you ever get invited.

The Yacht, 7 Crane Street, London SE10 (081-858 0175), in Greenwich, is good. It's down a passageway along from the Cutty Sark. It's full of shippy stuff and Hooray Henries. However, there's a nice view of the river and they welcome children. There's a slope where they can run up and down. I always find a slope is useful for keeping them occupied.

The Cannes of the Atlantic is La Rochelle, near Bordeaux, in France, and a great restaurant there is the Three Sergeants. It's like a small version of a Kew Green house. They do a superb seafood platter - it's insane. You can eat for around pounds 25 including wine, and it's one of those places where you can take the kids in the day, or go for a romantic dinner.

The coollest place, though, that I know is my lounge (Eltham, SE9). There's this hoochy- coochy low lighting, all my favourite videos and the light show from the kitchen is spectacular. Also, I fancy one of the staff. She looks just like my wife. And, like the Garrick, they have special facilities upstairs for members.

Rob Ballard wrote and plays Groucho Marx in 'A Night at the Revolution', Warehouse Theatre, Croydon to 24 Jul (081-680 4060)