All men are equal until beaten fairly with a googly

It is a matter of record that Britain has never gone to war against a country that plays cricket
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The Independent Culture
IN THE wake of the death of the late lamented Alan Clark MP, I have received many letters of tribute to him, and think it only right to print a selection of them.

From Mr George "Gubby" Trotter OBE

Sir, in all the richly deserved tributes which have poured out to my old friend Alan Clark MP, I have seen none that mentioned his very real love of cricket. He once said to me, "You know, Gubby, my father may have had a title, taste, money and a huge house, but he had very little else. If you look again at his TV series on Civilisation, you will notice that he talks only about expensive objects - his view of life was the view from Asprey's window. He avoided the finer things of life altogether. Nowhere in the series, for instance, is cricket or sex mentioned. But are they not the twin pillars of civilisation?"

I am sure he was right, whatever he meant by it.

yours etc

From Lord Nearbough

Sir, Alan Clark is often said to have been a snob, but there was more to him than that. I remember once he said to me, "You know, Diddles, on the cricket field all men are equal, at least until given out. You may be surprised to learn that in many ways I had a most underprivileged background. Whereas other children learn cricket from their dads, I was taught to bowl and bat by the butler and head stableman. Until the age of fourteen I thought umpires called everyone `Sir'. Think about it, Diddles."

I have often thought about it, and I now wish I had asked him what on earth he meant by it.

yours etc

From Sir Ralph Kneedle

Sir, May I endorse the foregoing? I remember once fielding in the slips beside him for the Civilisation Casuals (the cricket team which his father Lord Clark started on the proceeds of his TV series). During a lull in play I asked him if, as a historian, he had considered writing a history of cricket.

"In a sense, I already have," he said. "Writing a history of the Great War was very like writing a history of cricket. Trench warfare is like a long series of drawn five-day Test matches laid end to end. The only difference, I suppose, was that in the First World War rain never stopped play. Know what I mean, Kneedle?"

I said I did, but looking back I don't think I really had a clue what he was on about.

yours etc

From Mr Arthur Trimble

I can vouch for everything Sir Ralph says. I worked for 20 years on Lord Clark's estate, dividing my time between the greenhouses and wicket-keeping, so I saw a lot of young Master Alan in the slips. One day, he said: "Do you remember the famous Christmas Day on which the British and German troops stopped fighting for a day and played football? Has it ever occurred to you that there is no record of the British and Germans ever having an impromptu cricket match?"

I had to confess that it hadn't.

"Do you know why?"

I did not.

"Because the Germans don't play cricket, you Dummkopf!"

He cuffed me amiably and then said, more seriously: "Though it is a matter of record that Britain has never gone to war against a country that plays cricket. You could easily shoot a man who had once tackled you from behind, but you could never shoot at a man who had beaten you fairly and squarely with a googly. Think about it."

I have, often, and still wonder what he was on about.

yours etc

From Julian Whitewell

Sir, I helped to edit the late Alan Clark's diaries for publication, and I well remember him coming in one day and insisting on adding an entry. It read as follows:

"Last night I dreamt that I was playing cricket, and Margaret Thatcher was wicket-keeping for our side, wearing pads, gloves and nothing else. It was one of the most exciting games of cricket I have ever known, and her too, did she but know it..."

"Did you really dream this?" I asked.

"No, of course not," he said. "But I thought if she ever read the book, it might give the old bat a bit of a stir."

yours etc