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Bra of the Week

Hello boys. And girls - De Montfort University, Leicester, has the bra for the way you are. Dr Wei Wang and his team at the Depart-ment of Electronic Engineer-ing have developed the brassiere of tomorrow, a low-cost imaging system for early breast cancer detection. They are looking for further funding. We should all cross our hearts for the success of the project.

Broadside of the Week

Goodbye, sailor. Admiral Sir Jock Slater is retiring as head of the Royal Navy. The First Sea Homo-sceptic doesn't believe that "queers and lesbians" should be allowed to join up. You see, the problem is that "ships were away for very long periods - tin boxes miles away from anywhere. There's no choice about whom you associate with". Well, quite. The answer to undermanning is the ethnic minorities.

No racist, Sir Jock fondly recalls the days when ethnic identity was irrelevant and a "coloured chap" would be called "midnight" and would reply to a white colleague by addressing him as "sunshine".

In the 1980s he was "dead anti-women at sea" (it's OK now, though). So he wouldn't have found a bunk for the greatest of all women sailors, the unsung mother of modern computing who developed programming (the "Flow- matic" language) and coined the term "debugging" - the United States Navy's Rear Admiral Grace Hopper. Not be be confused with our...

Retro Toy of the Week

The Space Hopper. Originally developed in 1909 by a Swiss physiotherapist who used inflatable balls for patients recovering from spinal injuries (no, I can't see it either), it grew spiral horns, a menacing face and became a toy in 1971. The enduring appeal of having something big, red and rubbery clasped between our thighs remains a mystery. More fun than a Rubik's cube anyhow. Until you puncture it.

Lizard of the Week

The Beach Boys of the reptile world, iguanas, have been observed by fishermen surfing on rafts of logs on to the beach to colonise the West Indian island of Anguilla. They do get around don't they?

Image of the Week

Another memorable cover from the currant bun. But isn't this the paper that, a few weeks ago, described Tony Blair as the "most dangerous man in Britain" because he was going to embrace the euro?

Unable to rely on the (deceased) Tories, the soaraway tell us: "There is now no effective opposition to the euro apart from the Sun." Go on, fight 'em on the beaches, but mind the lizards.