Valentine's Day massacre: Dan Rhodes returns to the super-short story form that made him a cult favourite

Here, we publish some of the best short stories from Rhodes' anti-romance book, Marry Me - and the author reveals his soft side to Alice Jones.

Don't be fooled by the Valentine's Day publication date or the swirly gold typeface on the cover, Marry Me is no twee anthology of wedded bliss. Each of the 79 short stories is about marriage but the picture they paint is less romance, more Relate. Averaging around 100 words each – none is longer than a page and a half – they rattle through anti-climactic proposals, wasteful weddings, henpecked husbands and cuckolding wives. There are deaths, tears, hats and quite a lot of whispered bickering.

Rhodes has been working on his marital tales – some bleak, some beautiful, all darkly hilarious – for 15 years. He started in the late Nineties, when he was writing his debut collection Anthropology, 101 stories of love, sex and relationships, each one exactly 101 words long. When it was published in 2000, he had a few left over that didn't fit the word count, so he kept them in a box. And kept on writing.

In the meantime, his friends kept on getting married, providing him with regular doses of fresh inspiration. "I'm more interested in the elephants in the room," he says. "The expense of it all is something I find really depressing. I've known so many people who have been pressurised by the older generation into having big weddings that they didn't want. At a time in their lives when they could really do with having a bit of spare cash floating around, they have to spend it all on calligraphy and lilies."

Marry Me was also inspired by a personal milestone: his 40th birthday. "I was worried that I would suddenly become some kind of appalling grown-up and that I wouldn't be able to write these silly stories any more," he says. "So I frantically went through my box and got the book together".

Silly stories is one way to describe them. But to Rhodes' fans – he's adored by comedians and critics alike – they are tiny haiku-like jewels. "Typically I'll write one in one setting," he says. "But I might go back to it several hundred times and tweak it." As a result, they pack an elegant, occasionally devastating, punch.

Marry Me marks Rhodes' return to the super-short form that first made him a cult favourite. In between, he has written five novels including Little Hands Clapping set in a German suicide museum and, last year, This Is Life, an Amélie-style Parisian saga. They have won him numerous awards but his preferred position in the literary world is that of the wry, occasionally troublesome, outsider. In 2003, he was named one of Granta's 20 Best Young British Novelists though he had yet to publish a novel, thanks to Fourth Estate dropping his debut effort. He didn't appreciate the accolade and when half of his fellow listees refused to sign an open letter against the Iraq war, he declared his retirement from writing for good.

Happily, Canongate picked up Timoleon Vieta Come Home, his shaggy dog tale about one gay man and his mutt, and he has remained with the publisher ever since. "It's a bit like being married. You can't be with someone for a decade and not have the occasional bickering session." The last one was over a reprint of This Is Life that removed the original elaborate gatefold cover. He took to his website to tell fans not to buy it and had it withdrawn from sale. He keeps a running blog of his worst reviews and has largely given up on touring ("Very little fee. And I don't like being away from home.") and "cringe-worthy, earnest" literary events.

He is now on another hiatus from writing, working in the real world for a while. Previous "day jobs" include stints in a whisky distillery and a Waterstones warehouse. He won't reveal his current employment except to say that it is physical and "the opposite of writing". In 2008 he was working in the stockroom of Lush on Princes Street in Edinburgh when he won the Clare Maclean Prize for Scottish Fiction and was dismayed to see the headline, "Soap shop worker wins book prize". "I thought it was really condescending. But I've never been very far from a day's work because writing leftfield fiction for an independent publisher isn't quite as lucrative as a lot of people seem to think it is", he says. "At the moment I can't foresee a time when I've got enough time and energy to get stuck into another book, really."

The truth is, a softie's heart beats beneath the bearish author exterior. And for all of Marry Me's beleaguered cynicism, Rhodes has domestic bliss of his own to attend to. When he began writing it he was "a terminally single bloke in his twenties". Then Anthropology came out and, in the manner of one of his stories, set in motion a remarkable chain of events. One Saturday in San Francisco a young woman called Emmily skipped Spanish class and went to the library instead.

"She picked Anthropology off the shelf, read it and decided to marry me," says Rhodes. A few weeks later he passed through the city on tour, they met and nine months later were married in a "cheap as chips" ceremony at City Hall. A photograph of them exchanging vows stands in for an author picture on Marry Me's back cover. They now have two sons – Arthur, five and Eddie, five months – and live in Buxton. "That's why I wrote Anthropology really – in the hope that I would send it out into the world and my future wife would read it," says Rhodes. So there is such a thing as a happy ending, after all.

'Marry Me' is published by Canongate (£8.99)

Goethe

Whenever we were invited to a wedding, my girlfriend would be fiercely critical of even the slightest display of extravagance. 'Remember what Goethe said,' she would whisper, at the first sign of ostentation. 'One should only celebrate a happy ending; celebrations at the outset exhaust the joy and energy needed to urge us forward and sustain us in the long struggle. And of all celebrations a wedding is the worst; no day should be kept more quietly and humbly.' I was inclined to agree, so when she accepted my proposal I looked forward to a simple ceremony among our immediate family and very closest friends.

One thing led to another, and a year later I found myself in a white suit, riding a bejewelled ostrich across a castle drawbridge and into an enormous room packed with guests, plenty of whom neither of us particularly liked.

Shortly, an eighteen-horn fanfare heralded the arrival of my bride. She rode in on a white horse with what looked like an ice cream cone stuck to its head in an attempt to make it look like a unicorn.

'What would Goethe have made of all this, then?' I asked her, as we dismounted and prepared to exchange vows.

'Ah, who cares?' she said, glowing with delight.

Mistakes

On our honeymoon my wife lay beside me, writing a letter to her best friend. When she had finished, she asked me to check it over. I was glad to help, so I carefully read it through. Her handwriting is very neat, and her spelling and grammar are pretty good, but there were one or two minor glitches for me to point out. 'See here?' I said. 'You've written "the most biggest mistake I have ever made" – but it should just be "the biggest mistake I have ever made".

And this bit, where you've put "it feels like a life sentance", that should be "sentence".' I'd only caught one more error. 'Where you've written "I dont know what I did to deserve this", you need an apostrophe in "don't".' I explained that it was a contraction, and that it was the job of the apostrophe to take the place of the missing letter. She looked very serious, nodding just a little as she took it all in.

Brave

My wife gave me a big hug, and told me I was going to have to be very brave. 'I'm really sorry,' she said, 'but I just don't think I can carry on being married to you.'

I couldn't understand why she would walk out on everything we had. 'Is there somebody else?' I asked.

'No,' she said, 'there isn't. But I would really, really like there to be.'

Carbon

I asked my girlfriend to marry me, and she said yes. I couldn't afford a diamond, so instead I handed her a lump of charcoal. 'It's pure carbon,' I explained. 'Now, if we can just find a way to rearrange the atoms . . .'

She stared at the black lump in her palm, and I began to worry that ours was going to be the shortest engagement in history. She smiled. 'We'll put it under the mattress,' she said. 'Maybe we'll squash it into a diamond over time.'

It's been there ever since. We check up on it every once in a while, and it never looks any different. I think we would be a bit disappointed if it ever did.

Predictable

Starlight told me she had decided to call time on our marriage. When I asked her why, she said I had become too predictable. I begged her to reconsider. 'I don't know what I would do without you,' I sobbed.

She shook her head in exasperation. 'I knew you were going to say that.'

Issues

As our wedding day approached, my fiancée gently suggested that I get some counselling for my body image issues. 'But, darling,' I chuckled, 'I don't have any body image issues.'

'That's the problem,' she said. 'Just look at yourself.

'You'd better get some – and fast.'

Arts and Entertainment
Eddie Redmayne as transgender artist Lili Elbe in The Danish Girl

First look at Oscar winner as transgender artistfilm
Arts and Entertainment
Season three of 'House of Cards' will be returning later this month

TV reviewHouse of Cards returns to Netflix
Arts and Entertainment
Harrison Ford will play Rick Deckard once again for the Blade Runner sequel

film review
Arts and Entertainment
The modern Thunderbirds: L-R, Scott, Virgil, Alan, Gordon and John in front of their home, the exotic Tracy Island

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Natural beauty: Aidan Turner stars in the new series of Poldark
TV
Arts and Entertainment

Oscars 2015 Mexican filmmaker uses speech to urge 'respect' for immigrants

Arts and Entertainment
The Oscar nominations are due to be announced today

Oscars 2015 Bringing you all the news from the 87th Academy Awards

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

ebooks
Arts and Entertainment
Lloyd-Hughes takes the leading role as Ralph Whelan in Channel 4's epic new 10-part drama, Indian Summers

TV Review

The intrigue deepens as we delve further but don't expect any answers just yet
Arts and Entertainment
Jason Segal and Cameron Diaz star in Sex Tape

Razzies 2015 Golden Raspberry Awards 'honours' Cameron Diaz and Kirk Cameron

Arts and Entertainment
The Oscars ceremony 2015 will take place at the Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles
Oscars 2015A quiz to whet your appetite for tonight’s 87th Academy Awards
Arts and Entertainment
Sigourney Weaver, as Ripley, in Alien; critics have branded the naming of action movie network Movies4Men as “offensive” and “demographic box-ticking gone mad”.
TVNaming of action movie network Movies4Men sparks outrage
Arts and Entertainment
Sleater Kinney perform at the 6 Music Festival at the O2 Academy, Newcastle
musicReview: 6 Music Festival
Arts and Entertainment
Sleater Kinney perform at the 6 Music Festival at the O2 Academy, Newcastle
musicReview: 6 Music Festival
News
Kristen Stewart reacts after receiving the Best Actress in a Supporting Role award for her role in 'Sils Maria' at the 40th annual Cesar awards
people
News
A lost Sherlock Holmes story has been unearthed
arts + ents Walter Elliot, an 80-year-old historian, found it in his attic,
Arts and Entertainment
Margot Robbie rose to fame starring alongside Leonardo DiCaprio in The Wolf of Wall Street

Film Hollywood's new leading lady talks about her Ramsay Street days

Arts and Entertainment
Right note: Sam Haywood with Simon Usborne page turning
musicSimon Usborne discovers it is under threat from the accursed iPad
Arts and Entertainment
A life-size sculpture by Nick Reynolds depicting singer Pete Doherty on a crucifix hangs in St Marylebone church
arts + ents
Arts and Entertainment
Escalating tension: Tang Wei and Chris Hemsworth in ‘Blackhat’
filmReview: Chris Hemsworth stars as a convicted hacker in Blackhat
Arts and Entertainment

Oscar voter speaks out

film
Arts and Entertainment
The Oscars race for Best Picture will be the battle between Boyhood and Birdman

Oscars
Arts and Entertainment
Anne Boleyn (Claire Foy), Thomas Cromwell (Mark Rylance)
tvReview: Wolf Hall
Arts and Entertainment
Tom Meighan of Kasabian collects the Best Album Award
music
Arts and Entertainment
Best supporting stylist: the late L’Wren Scott dressed Nicole Kidman in 1997
film
Arts and Entertainment
Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan as Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey in Fifty Shades of Grey

Film

Arts and Entertainment
Mick Carter (Danny Dyer) and Peggy Mitchell (Barbara Windsor)
tv occurred in the crucial final scene
Arts and Entertainment
Glasgow wanted to demolish its Red Road flats last year
architecture
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    HIV pill: Scientists hail discovery of 'game-changer' that cuts the risk of infection among gay men by 86%

    Scientists hail daily pill that protects against HIV infection

    Breakthrough in battle against global scourge – but will the NHS pay for it?
    How we must adjust our lifestyles to nature: Welcome to the 'Anthropocene', the human epoch

    Time to play God

    Welcome to the 'Anthropocene', the human epoch where we may need to redefine nature itself
    MacGyver returns, but with a difference: Handyman hero of classic 1980s TV series to be recast as a woman

    MacGyver returns, but with a difference

    Handyman hero of classic 1980s TV series to be recast as a woman
    Tunnel renaissance: Why cities are hiding roads down in the ground

    Tunnel renaissance

    Why cities are hiding roads underground
    'Backstreet Boys - Show 'Em What You're Made Of': An affectionate look at five middle-aged men

    Boys to men

    The Backstreet Boys might be middle-aged, married and have dodgy knees, but a heartfelt documentary reveals they’re not going gently into pop’s good night
    Crufts 2015: Should foreign dogs be allowed to compete?

    Crufts 2015

    Should foreign dogs be allowed to compete?
    10 best projectors

    How to make your home cinema more cinematic: 10 best projectors

    Want to recreate the big-screen experience in your sitting room? IndyBest sizes up gadgets to form your film-watching
    Manchester City 1 Barcelona 2 player ratings: Luis Suarez? Lionel Messi? Joe Hart? Who was the star man?

    Manchester City vs Barcelona player ratings

    Luis Suarez? Lionel Messi? Joe Hart? Who was the star man at the Etihad?
    Arsenal vs Monaco: Monaco - the making of Gunners' manager Arsene Wenger

    Monaco: the making of Wenger

    Jack Pitt-Brooke speaks to former players and learns the Frenchman’s man-management has always been one of his best skills
    Cricket World Cup 2015: Chris Gayle - the West Indies' enigma lives up to his reputation

    Chris Gayle: The West Indies' enigma

    Some said the game's eternal rebel was washed up. As ever, he proved he writes the scripts by producing a blistering World Cup innings
    In Ukraine a dark world of hybrid warfare and murky loyalties prevails

    In Ukraine a dark world of hybrid warfare

    This war in the shadows has been going on since the fall of Mr Yanukovych
    'Birdman' and 'Bullets Over Broadway': Homage or plagiarism?

    Homage or plagiarism?

    'Birdman' shares much DNA with Woody Allen's 'Bullets Over Broadway'
    Broadchurch ends as damp squib not even David Tennant can revive

    A damp squib not even David Tennant can revive

    Broadchurch, Series 2 finale, review
    A Koi carp breeding pond, wall-mounted iPads and a bathroom with a 'wellness' shower: inside the mansion of Germany's 'Bishop of Bling'

    Inside the mansion of Germany's 'Bishop of Bling'

    A Koi carp breeding pond, wall-mounted iPads and a bathroom with a 'wellness' shower