Television prefers blondes

This week brought yet more reassuring programmes about how we once gave the Germans a good seeing to, but glance around the schedules and you wonder whether the demonic dream of Aryan supremacy didn't come true after all. Television's obsession with anniversaries (happy birthday, Suez Crisis and the Hungarian Uprising) may look unimaginative, but not as much as its soft spot for blondes. They're uber alles.

Take Ulrika Jonsson. This Nordic infiltrator has cunningly developed a multiple personality which allows her to pop up all over the television map. On one channel, she's a milkmaid, on another, a barmaid: you can tell which by her uniform. On this week's Shooting Stars (BBC2, Fri) - ladies' night, incidentally, in which 75 per cent of the ladies were blonde - she was buckled into a pair of racily crotchless chaps. On Des Res (LWT, Sun), a regional magazine show she presents on property and interior design, it's strictly floral print dresses and floaty cream blouses. When she introduced a feature on a family who have moved to a village called Whimple, you practically expected her to don the complementary headgear.

In a recent episode of Gladiators (ITV, Sat), she chanced upon a competitor called Johnny Alcock. "What a fabulous name!" she drooled, egged on by her black leather trousers. Then on Shooting Stars, quizmasters Vic and Bob asked her what a ballcock is. Alcock, ballcock? She must be working her way through the alphabet: next up, callcock, drillcock, and on through fullcock, nilcock, smallcock and tallcock. She's on the box so often she'll be on to zilchcock in a jiffy.

Blondeness is a broad church. In Vets' School (BBC1, Mon), token veterinary fairhead Trude Mostue was doing a good job living down to the stereotype. A bona fide Nordic milkmaid, she can't do injections to save her life, or anyone else's, and gets every question wrong. But her supervisor somehow contrived to give her a pass. The next best thing to making a pass. "Talk about Mr Jekyll and Dr Hyde," she mused, referring to the well known story by Steven Louis Robertson. "I don't understand him. Men!"

In Beck (BBC1, Wed), meanwhile, our eponymous heroine is still pretending that blondes can be blokes, of whom she's seeing two, which is fairly blokeish in itself. "I'm bad at imitations," she growled at one of her boyfriends. "I don't do wife." Some Rock Wives (C4 Sat) do and some don't. Kim Longinotto's rather ill-edited film looked up the other halves of the musicians, and concluded that the blondes don't do wife as well as the brunettes. Bebe Buell, blonde to quite near the roots of her hair, seems to have worked her way through half the Rock and Pop Music Hall of Fame: only now, at 42, is she actually marrying a musician. One of the groins she coupled with belonged to Rod Stewart, causing much post- coital regret. "I like my men a little bit more ... deep," she said. We never found out what she meant by "deep", so it's perhaps worth mentioning that in her autobiography Britt Ekland, another Nordic milkmaid, said she wasn't best pleased with the dimensions of Rod's rod (or rodcock, as it's known in Ulrika's lexicon).

Angie Bowie, poor love, has mutated into a mad peroxide fright, still making a living out of the story of how she once found her husband and Mick Jagger in bed together. With the benefit of hindsight, she now knows that nothing untoward could have happened between them. It's an empirical fact that a Rolling Stone will only mate with blondes. Blondes like Shirley Watts, a painfully shy dowager we found coping with rockwifery with a good deal more dignity (and, it has to be said, money).

Jagger may have been more seduced by the historian Andrew Roberts, a genetic blond from the same end of the political spectrum. Dressed in the modern firebrand's chainmail of charcoal pinstripes, Roberts delivered his own robust verdict on Suez (BBC2, Wed). It would be easier to sympathise with Roberts's case if his eyes didn't bulge so manically you worried your set had started transmitting in 3D. Apparently, Britain cocked up (upcocked?) the Suez Crisis by deigning to listen to "something called the world community" (which presumably doesn't exist any more than, according to another bug-eyed blonde, society itself exists). In Roberts's case, "historian" may actually be a contraction of "histrionic Aryan".

In Prime Suspect V (ITV, Sun and Mon), Jane Tennison was not killed off, despite the personal assurance that your reviewer received from Helen Mirren on set this summer that she'd been practising her death scene in the mirror. Blondes? You just can't get rid of them.

Arts and Entertainment
A scene from Shakespeare in Love at the Noel Coward Theatre
theatreReview: Shakespeare in Love has moments of sheer stage poetry mixed with effervescent fun
Arts and Entertainment
Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson stars in Hercules

film
Arts and Entertainment
Standing the test of time: Michael J Fox and Christopher Lloyd in 'Back to the Future'

film
Arts and Entertainment
<p><strong>2008</strong></p>
<p>Troubled actor Robert Downey Jr cements his comeback from drug problems by bagging the lead role in Iron Man. Two further films follow</p>

film
PROMOTED VIDEO
Arts and Entertainment

theatre
Arts and Entertainment
Tycoons' text: Warren Buffett and Bill Gates both cite John Brookes' 'Business Adventures' as their favourite book

books
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment
Panic! In The Disco's Brendon Urie performs on stage

music
Arts and Entertainment

film
Arts and Entertainment
Keira Knightley and Benedict Cumberbatch star in the Alan Turing biopic The Imitation Game

film
Arts and Entertainment

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Radio 4's Today programme host Evan Davis has been announced as the new face of Newsnight

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Pharrell Williams performing on the Main Stage at the Wireless Festival in Finsbury Park, north London

music
Arts and Entertainment
Carrie Mathison returns to the field in the fourth season of Showtime's Homeland

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Crowds soak up the atmosphere at Latitude Festival

music
Arts and Entertainment
Meyne Wyatt and Caren Pistorus arrive for the AACTA Aawrds in Sydney, Australia

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Rick Astley's original music video for 'Never Gonna Give You Up' has been removed from YouTube

music
Arts and Entertainment
Quentin Blake's 'Artists on the beach'

Artists unveils new exhibition inspired by Hastings beach

art
Arts and Entertainment
MusicFans were left disappointed after technical issues
Arts and Entertainment
'Girl with a Pearl Earring' by Johannes Vermeer, c. 1665
artWhat is it about the period that so enthrals novelists?
Arts and Entertainment
Into the woods: The Merry Wives of Windsor at Petersfield
theatreOpen-air productions are the cue for better box-office receipts, new audiences, more interesting artistic challenges – and a picnic
Arts and Entertainment
James singer Tim Booth
latitude 2014
Arts and Entertainment
Lee says: 'I never, ever set out to offend, but it can be an accidental by-product'
comedy
Arts and Entertainment
tvThe judges were wowed by the actress' individual cooking style
Arts and Entertainment
Nicholas says that he still feels lucky to be able to do what he loves, but that there is much about being in a band he hates
musicThere is much about being in a band that he hates, but his debut album is suffused with regret
Arts and Entertainment
The singer, who herself is openly bisexual, praised the 19-year-old sportsman before launching into a tirade about the upcoming Winter Olympics

books
Arts and Entertainment
music
Independent
Travel Shop
the manor
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on city breaks Find out more
santorini
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on chic beach resorts Find out more
sardina foodie
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on country retreats Find out more
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    Screwing your way to the top? Good for Lana Del Rey for helping kill that myth

    Screwing your way to the top?

    Good for Lana Del Rey for helping kill that myth, says Grace Dent
    Will the young Britons fighting in Syria be allowed to return home and resume their lives?

    Will Britons fighting in Syria be able to resume their lives?

    Tony Blair's Terrorism Act 2006 has made it an offence to take part in military action abroad with a "political, ideological, religious or racial motive"
    Beyoncé poses as Rosie the Riveter, the wartime poster girl who became a feminist pin-up

    Beyoncé poses as Rosie the Riveter

    The wartime poster girl became the ultimate American symbol of female empowerment
    The quest to find the perfect pair of earphones: Are custom, 3D printed earbuds the solution?

    The quest to find the perfect pair of earphones

    Earphones don't fit properly, offer mediocre audio quality and can even be painful. So the quest to design the perfect pair is music to Seth Stevenson's ears
    US Army's shooting star: Lt-Col Steven Cole is the man Hollywood calls when it wants to borrow a tank or check a military uniform

    Meet the US Army's shooting star

    Lt-Col Steven Cole is the man Hollywood calls when it wants to borrow a tank or check a military uniform
    Climate change threatens to make the antarctic fur seal extinct

    Take a good look while you can

    How climate change could wipe out this seal
    Should emergency hospital weddings be made easier for the terminally ill?

    Farewell, my lovely

    Should emergency hospital weddings be made easier?
    Man Booker Prize 2014 longlist: Crowdfunded novel nominated for first time

    Crowdfunded novel nominated for Booker Prize

    Paul Kingsnorth's 'The Wake' is in contention for the prestigious award
    Vladimir Putin employs a full-time food taster to ensure his meals aren't poisoned

    Vladimir Putin employs a full-time food taster

    John Walsh salutes those brave souls who have, throughout history, put their knives on the line
    Tour de France effect brings Hollywood blockbusters to Yorkshire

    Tour de France effect brings Hollywood blockbusters to Yorkshire

    A $25m thriller starring Sam Worthington to be made in God's Own Country
    Will The Minerva Project - the first 'elite' American university to be launched in a century - change the face of higher learning?

    Will The Minerva Project change the face of higher learning?

    The university has no lecture halls, no debating societies, no sports teams and no fraternities. Instead, the 33 students who have made the cut at Minerva, will travel the world and change the face of higher learning
    The 10 best pedicure products

    Feet treat: 10 best pedicure products

    Bags packed and all prepped for holidays, but feet in a state? Get them flip-flop-ready with our pick of the items for a DIY treatment
    Commonwealth Games 2014: Great Scots! Planes and pipers welcome in Glasgow's Games

    Commonwealth Games 2014

    Great Scots! Planes and pipers welcome in Glasgow's Games
    Jack Pitt-Brooke: Manchester City and Patrick Vieira make the right stand on racism

    Jack Pitt-Brooke

    Manchester City and Patrick Vieira make the right stand on racism
    How Terry Newton tragedy made iron men seek help to tackle their psychological demons

    How Newton tragedy made iron men seek help to tackle their psychological demons

    Over a hundred rugby league players have contacted clinic to deal with mental challenges of game