Can anyone help me with a small sexual problem?

A BIT rough, since you ask. Loss of appetite, spots before the eyes, giddiness, hacking cough, inability to, what was it? Concentrate. General feverish malaise, not helped by ludicrous joke Cro-Magnon "builders" still hammering outside the window. "Nar, weebie dunter day, moite," they proclaim, as they have proclaimed every day for 11 months: a special builders' use of the phrase, meaning "et nunc et semper et in saecula saeculorum." So far, redress has been denied me, but now the cold weather is here, the old bucolic remedy is within my grasp: a jar of Bovril, a mallet and a frost-hardened parsnip.

But even an English parsnip takes time to stiffen, out there on the roof in the first unseasonable snow (why is it that nothing you buy in an English greengrocer's is ready to eat?), and in the meantime, we have some serious work to do. How about this:

"He took her top off and felt her bosoms. Then he got his thing out. It had gone stiff. Then put it in her. 'Oh! Oh!' she said. 'It is so big, like a frost-hardened parsnip.' Then he grunted and stuff came out. He got out of bed and got dressed."

What do you think? No, really; it's important, and I need your help. The thing is, I have just under a year to write a truly appalling sex scene, and it's harder than it seems. Hey! "Harder than it seems." Ha ha ha! But it is. I mean, gosh, I've had plenty of Bad Sex in my time, and not just the can't-get-it-up sort, or, worse, the can't-get-it-down- again version. I mean the hallucinating sort where you keep thinking it's Thursday or Cyprus or something, and the queasy hashish sort where you know that if you stop, you'll throw up. I mean the conspiracy-of-deception sort, where you suddenly realise that you're both faking it; not just orgasm but the whole damned thing, the whole damned evening, you were even faking dinner. I mean the scratchy sort and the marshy sort, the what's-that-funny-smell? sort and the sort where someone's dotty great- aunt wafts into the bedroom and starts reminiscing about Ajaccio. Permutations? Done those, too: three-in-a-bed, four-in-a-bed, round-about-a-dozen-in- a-damp-basement-off-Holland-Park-Avenue-and-who's-that-fat-man-on-the- stairs-eating-ham?, not to mention all the gear, the clobber, ropes and leather and pulleys and latex and Why doesn't the projector work? and Oh God, that bitch has run off with my Mister Sheen, and That'll be fifty, plus something for the maid, and Feel better now, dearie?

And how about this one; you'll like this one. Scene: the inevitable bed. (Good title for my autobiography, what?) Me at my honeyed endeavours, taking the weight on my elbows like a little gentleman but otherwise transported; this is not just sex, this is astral projection, heart and soul, pulchra ut luna, electa ut sol, cue brass section for the descending E minor tutti and, as the heavens open and my eyes fill with tears of joy, she looks up at me and says: "Um... are you actually enjoying this?"

Bad sex; the worst; but having it is one thing, writing about it another, and that's the bit we have to sort out. Let me explain why.

I have in my pocket a cheque for pounds 250, presented to me by a terribly nice man called Adrian Rowbotham - the Adrian Rowbotham, of Adrian Rowbotham Films. If you need any films directing, Rowbotham's your man, although you'll have to join the queue which, let me tell you, stretches all the way down Poland Street, drawn, no doubt, by Rowbotham's distinguished appearance, affable manner, magnetic personality and immense professional distinction, and the fact that he just gave me pounds 250 has nothing to do with it. That was just my prize, for spotting the winner of this year's Literary Review Bad Sex Award, presented last week at a glittering West End soiree graced by all kinds of exciting luminaries: Willy Rushton, Harry Enfield (who told rather a good joke about Lenin), Dr Germaine Greer (who said "fuck" a lot), Clive Anderson, Auberon Waugh and, not to put too fine a point on it, me.

In the normal run of things, I would have told you who wrote the winning entry so that you could all rush out and buy his book. I would have pointed out that his trilogy of detective novels set in Berlin is a masterpiece of the genre, and that even Homer nods. I would have explained that the winning passage was not so much bad as incomprehensible due to metaphorical overload.

But this is not the normal run of things, because the chap concerned showed a sad lack of form. Stood up and made an interminable speech attacking everyone from the evening's sponsors - Hamlet cigars, yum yum - to the lovely and benevolent Naim Atallah. Pers-pired. Pouted. Snarled. Probably expected everyone to shout "Get off" so that he could accuse them of being a coterie of snobs and rotters, but was thwarted because everyone just ignored it. Bad show, you might think, and you might go on to think that a chap who has just been paid a million bucks, cash, for the film rights, could afford to show a touch more style.

Well; if you want style, you know where to look. Here. Me, sod it: urbane, witty, gracious under pressure, and anyone who doesn't think so can bugger off and read something else. I don't care. You're all a coterie of snobs and rotters, jealous of my worldly success and my custom-made spectacles ground to my own optical prescription so you can stick your - SMACK!

Sorry. Hysteria. Flu. Better now. Here's the plan. During the coming year I scatter sex scenes at random throughout this column, with luck getting worse as the year drags on. You select the worst and send them into the Bad Sex Award 1996. You get the pounds 250, I make the graceful, wry acceptance speech, Britain's reputation for a Sense of Humour is restored, and everything turns out absolutely throbbing, palpitating, moist, and how was it for you? !

Suggested Topics
Arts and Entertainment

game of thrones reviewWarning: spoilers

Arts and Entertainment
The original Star Wars trio of Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher and Mark Hamill

George Osborne confirms Star Wars 8 will film at Pinewood Studios in time for 4 May


Arts and Entertainment
Haunted looks: Matthew Macfadyen and Timothy Spall star in ‘The Enfield Haunting’

North London meets The Exorcist in eerie suburban drama


Arts and Entertainment

Filming to begin on two new series due to be aired on Dave from next year


Arts and Entertainment
Kit Harington plays MI5 agent Will Holloway in Spooks: The Greater Good

'You can't count on anyone making it out alive'film
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    Fishing for votes with Nigel Farage: The Ukip leader shows how he can work an audience as he casts his line to the disaffected of Grimsby

    Fishing is on Nigel Farage's mind

    Ukip leader casts a line to the disaffected
    Who is bombing whom in the Middle East? It's amazing they don't all hit each other

    Who is bombing whom in the Middle East?

    Robert Fisk untangles the countries and factions
    China's influence on fashion: At the top of the game both creatively and commercially

    China's influence on fashion

    At the top of the game both creatively and commercially
    Lord O’Donnell: Former cabinet secretary on the election and life away from the levers of power

    The man known as GOD has a reputation for getting the job done

    Lord O'Donnell's three principles of rule
    Rainbow shades: It's all bright on the night

    Rainbow shades

    It's all bright on the night
    'It was first time I had ever tasted chocolate. I kept a piece, and when Amsterdam was liberated, I gave it to the first Allied soldier I saw'

    Bread from heaven

    Dutch survivors thank RAF for World War II drop that saved millions
    Britain will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power - Labour

    How 'the Axe' helped Labour

    UK will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power
    Rare and exclusive video shows the horrific price paid by activists for challenging the rule of jihadist extremists in Syria

    The price to be paid for challenging the rule of extremists

    A revolution now 'consuming its own children'
    Welcome to the world of Megagames

    Welcome to the world of Megagames

    300 players take part in Watch the Skies! board game in London
    'Nymphomaniac' actress reveals what it was really like to star in one of the most explicit films ever

    Charlotte Gainsbourg on 'Nymphomaniac'

    Starring in one of the most explicit films ever
    Robert Fisk in Abu Dhabi: The Emirates' out-of-sight migrant workers helping to build the dream projects of its rulers

    Robert Fisk in Abu Dhabi

    The Emirates' out-of-sight migrant workers helping to build the dream projects of its rulers
    Vince Cable interview: Charging fees for employment tribunals was 'a very bad move'

    Vince Cable exclusive interview

    Charging fees for employment tribunals was 'a very bad move'
    Iwan Rheon interview: Game of Thrones star returns to his Welsh roots to record debut album

    Iwan Rheon is returning to his Welsh roots

    Rheon is best known for his role as the Bastard of Bolton. It's gruelling playing a sadistic torturer, he tells Craig McLean, but it hasn't stopped him recording an album of Welsh psychedelia
    Morne Hardenberg interview: Cameraman for BBC's upcoming show Shark on filming the ocean's most dangerous predator

    It's time for my close-up

    Meet the man who films great whites for a living
    Increasing numbers of homeless people in America keep their mobile phones on the streets

    Homeless people keep mobile phones

    A homeless person with a smartphone is a common sight in the US. And that's creating a network where the 'hobo' community can share information - and fight stigma - like never before