cinema

Welcome to our latest movie quiz. As usual, we are as much multi-plex as multiple choice, so poor, pathethic punters who only go to the movies three times a year are on an equal footing with the 21-carat buff (yeah, right). You have the running time of Fanny and Alexander to complete the quiz - namely eternity - and everyone has to do the Helen Keller thing: no conferring, comprehende?

1) In The River Wild, Oscar-winning accent-addict Meryl Streep plays a gun toting ex-wild water queen with muscle and attitude. How hard did you laugh?

a) Hard

b) Very hard

c) Wet myself

2) Jim Carrey (right). Why?

3) Platoon: The Musical. Discuss.

4) In La Reine Margot, Isabelle Adjani unveils a new facial expression, bringing her to a grand total of two. What does this new expression convey?

a) The suffering of a tormented soul

b) Haemorroids

c) Shock that Daniel Day-Lewis refuses to publicly declare himself the father of her unborn child

5) Draw up an auditorium layout tracing the longest and most inconvenient route to the toilets. Your path must take you through the stalls, back of the cinema and the balcony. Extra points awarded for passing in front of the screen more than four times.

6) In order of preference, which of these imaginary films would you most like to see?

a) Death and the Maidenform Bra

b) Interview with the Umpire

c) Little Bitches

d) Shallow Rave

e) The Madness of Prince Charles

7) In 100 words or less, explain why today's movie trailers show and tell you everything, making you feel you've already seen the film they're flogging. No, forget that. This is no place for metaphysical questions.