Amy Schumer is everywhere. Having recently stolen Kirsten Wiig’s badge as America’s go to funny woman she has hit big time fame and exposure even on this side of the pond and recently cemented her reputation as irreverent purveyor of belly laughs at a London awards ceremony.
Taking to the podium at the Glamour Women Of the Year awards the 34-year-old accepted the Trailblazer of the Year gong and gave a speech that will go down in comedy history for her utter refusal to thank parents, lovers and managers, shed some tears and shuffle off gratefully.
Schumer, who is often labelled “brash” or a “sex” comedian for her honesty and jokes about the girly stuff men find icky, lived up to her reputation with panache talking about growing breasts as a teenager, getting her period and having a one-night stand at college.
Yes that was funny, but we think these other Schumer jokes are funnier.
“I usually feel pretty good about myself. I know what I look like. You’d bang me, but you wouldn’t blog about it. You won’t be Twittering ‘You won’t believe who I’m inside.’ It’s fine.”
“I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years.”
“I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.'”
“I'm so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he's always turning the lights on, you know what I'm saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he's like, 'Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.' I was like, 'Oh my god, you're so cute. You think I don't want you to see me?'”
“All my friends are getting married. I guess I’m just at that age where people give up.”
Being a WOMAN
“It's work having a vagina. Guys don't think that its work but it is. You think it shows up like that to the event? It doesn't. Every night it's like getting it ready for its first Quinceanera, believe me.”
“The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess.’”
“I get labelled a sex comic. But if a guy got up onstage and pulled his dick out, everybody would say, ‘He’s a thinker.'”
“I wrote an article for Men’s Health and was so proud, until I saw instead of using my photo, they used one of a 16-year-old model wearing a clown nose, to show that she’s hilarious. But those are my words. What about who I am, and what I have to say? I can be reduced to that lost college freshman so quickly sometimes, I want to quit. Not performing, but being a woman altogether. I want to throw my hands in the air, after reading a mean Twitter comment, and say, ‘All right! You got it. You figured me out. I’m not pretty. I’m not thin. I do not deserve to use my voice…. All my self-worth is based on what you can see.’ But then I think, Fuck that.“
“[When you’ve got a baby the advice] says, 'It's safest to let them sleep alone, especially if you drink, use drugs or are overweight.' Yeah, I thought that was weird, too. But if you think about it, if you're drunk, stoned or really fat, in the middle of the night, that baby might look delicious. I've eaten weirder things.”
“I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.”
“I will speak and share and f*ck and love and I will never apologize to the frightened millions who resent that they never had it in them to do it. I stand here and I am amazing, for you. Not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.”
“I may sound like a megalomaniac, but I feel like I’m equipped to become a great, memorable comedian, if I keep working my ass off and staying at the pace I’m at, and I feel a responsibility to do that because of the women who have done it before me, and the ones who need to do it after me.”
“Now I feel strong and beautiful. I walk proudly down the streets of Manhattan. The people I love, love me. I make the funniest people in the country laugh, and they are my friends. I am a great friend and an even better sister. I have fought my way through harsh criticism and death threats for speaking my mind. I am alive, like the strong women in this room before me.”
Comedians say the most controversial things
Comedians say the most controversial things
1/11 Frankie Boyle on Katie Price
'I have a theory that Jordan married a cage fighter cause she needed someone strong enough to stop Harvey from f***ing her.’
2/11 Dapper Laughs on sexual harassment
‘Remember, it’s only sexual harassment if she’s more attractive then [sic] you.’
3/11 Jimmy Carr on Reeva Steenkampf death
'I blame her. If she hadn’t been in that disabled toilet none of this would have happened.'
4/11 Frankie Boyle on Rebecca Adlington
‘I worry that Rebecca Adlington will have an unfair advantage in the swimming by possessing a dolphin's face.’
5/11 Dapper Laughs tells audience members she's 'gagging for a rape'
‘She's gagging for a rape. We'll have a chat afterwards.... Poor girl, do you want to come backstage after, yeah? Bring two of your mates, you’ll need them.’
6/11 Jim Jefferies on why he could never be gay
'I can never be gay because I can never f*** another man...because I can never f*** something that I respect.'
7/11 Reginald D Hunter uses N-word several times at football gala
The Professional Footballers' Association later asked the comedian to pay back his fee
8/11 Russell Brand booed at GQ awards for Nazi joke
“And the Nazis did have flaws, but, you know, they did look f**king fantastic, let’s face it, while they were killing people on the basis of their religion and sexuality.”
9/11 Frankie Boyle on Barack Obama
‘When Barack Obama was giving his speech after being elected as president, he had to do it behind three inch thick bullet-proof glass. I thought that was a bit harsh – just because he’s black doesn’t mean he’s going to shoot anyone'
10/11 Anthony Jeselnik on Boston marathon bombing
‘There are some lines that just shouldn’t be crossed today. Especially the finish line.’
11/11 Frankie Boyle on Camilla Parker Bowles
'Does anyone think that Camilla is what Princess Diana would look like if she survived the crash'.