Creativity

USES FOR an extraterrestrial? Mike Gifford warns against even trying to put one to work: "An ET is usually unemployable as it spends too much time mooning around with stars in its eyes gazing into space, followed by being given a rocket and fired." He suspects, however, that this may be caused by our cannibalistic desires to eat things with names such as Milky Way and Mars. Several readers pointed out that we already have too many extra terrestrials on earth anyway.

Nicholas E Gough sees evidence that they have been abducting 51-year- olds - the "LI" in "alien" leads him inexorably to that conclusion. Alex Harley sees one as the perfect dinner-party guest, "assuming they eat space food". She says they'll provide plenty to talk about and little or no washing-up.

Nigel Plevin sees an ET as very useful in any game of charades when you need to mime the word "alienation". Just maroon it on an uninhabited island and you've done it. He reminds us that the only correct enquiry to make of an ET is: "What on earth are you doing here?" but says this should be promptly followed up with a bill for crop circle damage.

Judith Holmes writes: "Any ET would be handy around the home, tidying up the detritus of cold cups of tea, old newspapers and dirty clothes that no human admits to having left around," but she wonders what psychedelic drug you would need to give an alien for it to become spaced out. "Give it a 'phone" RJ Pickles advises.

Bruce Birchall recommends taking it down the pub, getting it blind drunk and putting David Bowie's "Ground Control, to Major Tom" on the karaoke for a singalong. If that doesn't help, he suggests: "Confuse it by saying there is a message to phone home. Since it has probably fled in search of refuge from the calamity that wiped out its home civilisation, this will cause it to wonder how a message, obviously emanating from the past, got here first, and to reconsider the Theory of Special Relativity. While it is thus distracted, clap it in irons and take it down the nick, to be charged with speeding in a built-up area."

The almost-extraterrestrial-herself Sian Cole shows commendable lack of racism, speciesism and, indeed, all other isms except sexism in her plans for ET. Paul Turner thinks its credentials would be perfect to write his next Creativity entry for him.

Magy Higgs suggests spelling him E-Tee and using him on a golf course in space. "Mate the extraterrestrial with an extraterritorial," Jan Moor recommends. "Their offspring will know no bounds". JE Shackleton offers advice to any potential ET thinking of travelling here: "Don't risk it. Find another planet anywhere else in the universe. Give us a miss. We are not nice to know. In one way or another we'll screw you.

That ties in well not only with the beloved Sian's plans, but also with Patrick Daunt's idea of screwing it to the top of the television set to ensure reception of additional non-satellite programmes. He also mentions that artesian wells and coleslaw provide all you need to make Sian Cole. Except the circumflex, I suppose.

Chambers Dictionary prizes to Bruce Birchall, Paul Turner and Mike Gifford and Patrick Daunt. Next week, we shall be discussing what to do with the sock that went missing several years ago but has now turned up again. We shall also tell you all then about the plans for Creativity's long-overdue summer holiday.

Arts and Entertainment
Art on their sleeves: before downloads and streaming, enthusiasts used to flick through racks of albums in their local record shops
musicFor Lois Pryce, working in a record shop was a dream job - until the bean counters ruined it
Arts and Entertainment
Serial suspect: the property heir charged with first-degree murder, Robert Durst
TV review
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

ebooks
Arts and Entertainment
Igarashi in her

Art Megumi Igarashi criticises Japan's 'backwards' attitude to women's sexual expression

Arts and Entertainment
Could Ed Sheeran conquer the Seven Kingdoms? He could easily pass for a Greyjoy like Alfie Allen's character (right)

tv Singer could become the most unlikely star of Westeros

Arts and Entertainment
Beyonce, Boris Johnson, Putin, Nigel Farage, Russell Brand and Andy Murray all get the Spitting Image treatment from Newzoids
tvReview: The sketches need to be very short and very sharp as puppets are not intrinsically funny
Arts and Entertainment
Despite the controversy it caused, Mile Cyrus' 'Wrecking Ball' video won multiple awards
musicPoll reveals over 70% of the British public believe sexually explicit music videos should get ratings
Arts and Entertainment
Lena Headey as Cersei Lannister and Ian Beattie as Meryn Trant in the fifth season of Game of Thrones

TV
Arts and Entertainment

book review
Arts and Entertainment
It's all in the genes: John Simm working in tandem with David Threlfall in 'Code of a Killer'

TV review
Arts and Entertainment
Far Right and Proud: Reggies Yates' Extreme Russia

TV review
Arts and Entertainment
Kanye West was mobbed in Armenia after jumping into a lake

music
Arts and Entertainment
The show suffers from its own appeal, being so good as to create an appetite in its viewers that is difficult to sate in a ten episode series

Game of Thrones reviewFirst look at season five contains some spoilers
Arts and Entertainment
Judi Dench and Kevin Spacey on the Red Carpet for 2015's Olivier Awards

Ray Davies' Sunny Afternoon scoops the most awards

Theatre
Arts and Entertainment
Proving his metal: Ross Poldark (played by Aidan Turner in the BBC series) epitomises the risk-taking spirit of 18th-century mine owners

Poldark review
Arts and Entertainment
Eddie Redmayne is reportedly favourite to play Newt Scamander in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

film
Arts and Entertainment
Tom Hardy stars in dystopian action thriller Mad Max: Fury Road

film
Arts and Entertainment
Josh, 22, made his first million from the game MinoMonsters

Grace Dent

Channel 4 show proves there's no app for happiness
News
Disgraced Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson
people
Arts and Entertainment
Game face: Zoë Kravitz, Bruce Greenwood and Ethan Hawke in ‘Good Kill’

film review

Arts and Entertainment
Living like there’s no tomorrow: Jon Hamm as Don Draper in the final season of ‘Mad Men’

TV review

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    Revealed: Why Mohammed Emwazi chose the 'safe option' of fighting for Isis, rather than following his friends to al-Shabaab in Somalia

    Why Mohammed Emwazi chose Isis

    His friends were betrayed and killed by al-Shabaab
    'The solution can never be to impassively watch on while desperate people drown'
An open letter to David Cameron: Building fortress Europe has had deadly results

    Open letter to David Cameron

    Building the walls of fortress Europe has had deadly results
    Tory candidates' tweets not as 'spontaneous' as they seem - you don't say!

    You don't say!

    Tory candidates' election tweets not as 'spontaneous' as they appear
    Mubi: Netflix for people who want to stop just watching trash

    So what is Mubi?

    Netflix for people who want to stop just watching trash all the time
    The impossible job: how to follow Kevin Spacey?

    The hardest job in theatre?

    How to follow Kevin Spacey
    Armenian genocide: To continue to deny the truth of this mass human cruelty is close to a criminal lie

    Armenian genocide and the 'good Turks'

    To continue to deny the truth of this mass human cruelty is close to a criminal lie
    Lou Reed: The truth about the singer's upbringing beyond the biographers' and memoirists' myths

    'Lou needed care, but what he got was ECT'

    The truth about the singer's upbringing beyond
    Migrant boat disaster: This human tragedy has been brewing for four years and EU states can't say they were not warned

    This human tragedy has been brewing for years

    EU states can't say they were not warned
    Women's sportswear: From tackling a marathon to a jog in the park, the right kit can help

    Women's sportswear

    From tackling a marathon to a jog in the park, the right kit can help
    Hillary Clinton's outfits will be as important as her policies in her presidential bid

    Clinton's clothes

    Like it or not, her outfits will be as important as her policies
    NHS struggling to monitor the safety and efficacy of its services outsourced to private providers

    Who's monitoring the outsourced NHS services?

    A report finds that private firms are not being properly assessed for their quality of care
    Zac Goldsmith: 'I'll trigger a by-election over Heathrow'

    Zac Goldsmith: 'I'll trigger a by-election over Heathrow'

    The Tory MP said he did not want to stand again unless his party's manifesto ruled out a third runway. But he's doing so. Watch this space
    How do Greek voters feel about Syriza's backtracking on its anti-austerity pledge?

    How do Greeks feel about Syriza?

    Five voters from different backgrounds tell us what they expect from Syriza's charismatic leader Alexis Tsipras
    From Iraq to Libya and Syria: The wars that come back to haunt us

    The wars that come back to haunt us

    David Cameron should not escape blame for his role in conflicts that are still raging, argues Patrick Cockburn
    Sam Baker and Lauren Laverne: Too busy to surf? Head to The Pool

    Too busy to surf? Head to The Pool

    A new website is trying to declutter the internet to help busy women. Holly Williams meets the founders