Creativity: The cutting edge of fashion
Tuesday 16 August 1994
Optical accessories were very popular. 'A pair of scissors,' says Des Waller, 'can easily be converted into a pair of glasses for people without ears.' After fitting the finger holes with suitable lenses, he advises that they may then be worn either 'with the scissors closed and both blades stabbed into the nose, or with the scissors open and one blade inserted into each cheek.'
'Lorgnettes for people with perfect eyesight and whose eyes are not more than 1.5 inches apart,' says D M Guest, who goes on to point out that you can use them if your eyes are further apart, but that involves adjusting the legs of the scissors and may require sticking plasters. 'Lorgnettes for women with telescopic vision,' says Len Clarke. Or lawn-mowers (should that be lorgn-mowers, we wonder?) for rather small window-boxes.
Paul Clark suggests removing the screw to obtain two cutting implements for the price of one. He also suggests that the resulting halves - indeed, each individual scissor - may be used as ear- rings.
Practitioners of Zen Buddhism, says David Nicholls, use a scissor 'as an object of contemplation when trying to comprehend the sound of one scissor cutting.'
Chris Bocci suggests using scissors 'divining for ink in the garden', or to 'establish whether a suspected murderer is left-handed'. Claire Paul requires three pairs of scissors for her gymnastic, high jump and wrestling practice, although she considers the last rather unladylike.
'Pinking scissors,' says Geoffrey Langley, 'can be used to recruit people of other beliefs to the Labour Party, while buttonhole scissors are useful for cutting out people who try to engage one in conversation.
'Embroidery scissors, on the other hand,' he continues, making us wonder just how many hands he has, 'are beneficial in cutting bits from other people's forgotten speeches to embellish your own'.
Mark Walmsley believes that dismantled scissors may be a good demonstration of the topology of mirror-image symmetry, or more creatively, they could adorn the beautiful ear-lobes of Suzanne Smith.
Michael Rubinstein proposes wearing - 'for a singular delight' - a scissor on one leg and a trouser on the other. If you should inadvertently cut off a relevant finger, then a pair of scissors may be pointed upwards as a gesture of defiance to the digitally undiminished world.
Stuart Cockerill believes scissors to be the raison d'etre of divorce courts. 'All spousal arguments begin with the parties each denying knowledge of the location of the scissors, as in: 'You had them last,' 'No, you did - you dropped them in the kitchen and made that hole in the lino.' 'No, that was you.' Dissolve into slowly descending shadow behind shower-curtain.'
Steph and Paul, in a somewhat slashed letter, propose 'opera glasses for those who like to cut off their nose to spite their face', or many pairs linked together for versatile and invertable fencing.
Creativity is now going on holiday for a fortnight. When we return, we shall report on swivel chairs. We wish Steph and Paul a happy wedding on the 27th, and, if anyone has any creative ideas on any subject whatsoever, they will, as always, be welcome at: Creativity, The Independent, 40 City Road, London EC1Y 2DB.
Oh, and I nearly forgot, T P O'Connor says: 'If it were not for venetian blinds, it would be curtains for all of us.'
Is the comedy album making a comeback?comedy
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