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I WAS meeting someone for lunch so I set my alarm and then met them at 12.30pm in the City Cafe. I am vegetarian and ordered the vegetarian sausage roll, which I had with chips. I wanted beans or peas but they had neither, so I asked for any old veg - and that's what I got: bits of broccoli, some runner beans that looked like they had been running a long way, and carrots. I also had a pint of orange juice as I was feeling a bit dehydrated. In the afternoon I went to see a show called Beat the Panel which had my chums Jo Brand, Annabel Giles and Tony Hawks in it. We all then went to Henderson's where we skulked through to a smoky corner, but nobody noticed us anyway. So at the 'Celeb table' I had a piece of cherry pie with single cream. I also had a white coffee, no sugar, and a glass of some of our finest British mineral water. I then came over all giddy and vampirish and went back to the flat for a sleep before my show at about 5-ish. I always have about an hour's sleep before the show up here. After this I got up and went to the gig, I had a cup of white coffee just before the show and then a glass of water while on stage - I always have a drink on stage. After the show, which was a triumph, I went to the bar in the Gilded Balloon and had a whisky and coke, and two vodka and tonics. We then went to The Pleasance where I drank two Becks and a Rolling Rock. Then we went back to the Gilded Balloon and I had another Rolling Rock - and then, I think, about five vodka and tonics, one gin and tonic, a packet of McCoy cheese flavour crisps, a KitKat that my friend had stolen and an orange-flavoured Strepsil for my sore throat. We then left in a 'celebrity taxi ride' to Bill Bailey's flat. It was about 4 in the morning by this stage, and I had a straight whisky. I then went to clean up the kitchen, which was in a bit of a mess, by eating all the leftover food. I had two nice bits of apple pie and made a sandwich of a crust of Mighty White bread with a bit of Flora, mature Scottish cheddar, a bit of tomato and Branston pickle. I also finished some leftover bread and butter which I used to mop up the Italian salad dressing and lettuce that was left in the salad bowl. By this stage it was about 6.30am and I was getting tired, so I finished off with a camomile tea before going home to bed at 8am.