how to survive the hunger games by chris (simpsons artist)

@getbentsaggy shows you the best ways not to die

Click to follow
The Independent Culture

the hunger games is a fun family annual event where people of all different types of ages get together in a massive see through dome to battle it out to the death to win a free meal for their family at any restaurant of their choice.

as soon as the traditional hunger games throat trumpet is blown by the event organiser to get the hunger games started you should shout at least one of these things:

come on

i am doing this for my family members

lets do this

this is going to get wet

the restaurant vouchers are mine

stay away from my restaurant vouchers




good ways to stay alive for as long as possible:

glue some rocks on to your face to make your face look like it is the side of a cliff

hide up a tree if you can be bothered

act casual

never rest

drink your own spit

drink someone elses spit

chew fabric to keep your teeth and gums healthy




if someone is just about to attack you do one of these things:

say that you think you are having a panic attack and you just want to be on your own for a bit

make bees come out of your mouth

make your mouth look like it is a wolf by sucking your lips inside of your mouth and sticking your tongue out of your mouth really quickly

complement their outfit

do a slow motion wink at them so they think you know something that they dont

tell them that your wife will go mental if you dont get the restaurant vouchers for her because they are all that she has been talking about for weeks


weapons - the best way to not die is to have a weapon and the best weapons are listed below in a helpful list:

knife - this is the easiest weapon to use in a rush because it has got a lightweight touch and it is silver

gun - a gun is a type of knife that can kill people from a long way away but be warned because it has got a loud scream when the bullet comes out of it so i hope that you dont get a bit of a fright

baton - this is the best weapon to use if you are a bit thick because it is just a big bit of wood

glass pipe - a glass pipe isnt just useful for sucking up quiche out of a bumbag no it is also really useful for blowing poisoned spit at a enemy of your choice

bow and arrow - when janis joplin first invented the bow and arrow in 1965 everyone thought that she was completely mad but she has definitely had the last laugh because now bow and arrows are a popular household name throughout the world and they are also a great way to kill people too

whip - this is a type of long thin knife that is made out of hair and it is best used for whipping peoples legs until they fall off


scream or whisper some of these things to scare the other players:

i cant take this anymore

why is this happening to me

the only meal you are going to be winning is a meal for one in hell

come on then

have you never seen a grown man naked before or something

do you want some of this then do you come on then come and get it



helpful skills for you to learn before you go into the hunger games that will make things easier for you:

knot tying - if you dont know how to tie a knot then you might as well just kill yourself now to save other people the bother

why not learn a new language - if you are battling against someone who is french it would be helpful for you to be able to say prepare to meet your doom you french idiot in their own language so they know that this is their final moment

gymnastics - if there is one skill that will help you in the hunger games it is definitely gymnastics because it is a good way to relax

jewellery making - making jewellery will keep you alert at night time

web design - the internet is getting more and more popular every day and it is now used in almost 1 in 5 homes in the uk in the united kingdom so this is a skill that you will definitely want to know before you go into the hunger games

and remember that it is the taking part that counts and if you dont survive the hunger games this year then there is always next year so good luck and may the odds be ever in your flavour.