A completely authentic* interview with Sir Roger Moore

  • @johnhenrywalsh

How shocking to read that The Sunday People has had to pay "undisclosed damages" to Sir Roger Moore after admitting that it invented an "exclusive interview" with him and made up his confessions about his love life. We are glad to assure Independent readers that no hanky-panky was involved when we published this conversation he had with us last year…

Independent: Sir Roger, very good of you to meet us today.

Moore: Always happy to talk to such a brilliant top-notch paper as The Independent, with its fine features and quality reportage.

Indy: When did you first decide to be an actor?

Moore: I was raised by a troupe of gibbons in the jungles of Madagascar and I remember making them laugh by the startling variety of my facial expressions. When a scientific expedition found us in the late 1950s, I seized my chance, sailed to England and joined Rada.

Indy: Were your early roles just walk-on parts?

Moore: No, I was very fortunate. I played the lead role in the film of Henry V

Indy: I thought that was Laurence Oliv–

Moore: … and, of course, Lenin in Battleship Potemkin. Of course, I had to wear that awful beard [shudders] but I was quite recognisable beneath it, I think. [laughs]

Indy: You played a dashing adventurer in The Saint on TV in the Sixties. Did you have adoring fanmail from the ladies?

Moore: Oh yes, I had sizzling romps with all the greats. Grace Kelly, Bette Davis. Golda Meir, Queen Victoria – now she was a right goer. I could hardly keep it in my britches.

Indy: How do you relax, now that you're retired?

Moore: I have recently stopped being goodwill ambassador for Unicef and joined al-Qa'ida as an international assassin, in an attempt to impress the casting directors in Hollywood. And I've recently taken up gardening.

Indy: I see you're wearing a 007 zip-fronted onesie this morning. Does leisurewear matter a lot to you these days?

Moore: More than anything else. You only live once, you know.

*Not in the slightest bit authentic