The Twilight Saga: New Moon (12A)

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Second time out for the star-crossed high-school lovers Bella and Edward: she's human, he's a vampire, it could never work between them.

Or so we are led to believe. This overlong adaptation of the Stephenie Meyer bestseller is notable for setting itself rules and then breaking them: there's always someone here sombrely vowing that "x" will never happen – must never happen – then, lo and behold, it goes and happens. Edward (Robert Pattinson) and his family have gone from the neighbourhood, leaving Bella (Kristen Stewart) to nurse her broken heart and a bad case of the screaming abdabs at night. Her only comfort is hunky mechanic Jacob (Taylor Lautner), who himself turns out to be more than he appears. The crepuscular light of the Pacific Northwest casts a drab pall over a story that could do with more wit and fewer special effects; the change of scene to sun-buttered Tuscany offers more farce than fear in the shape of Michael Sheen as chief creep of Latin vampires the Volturi. Dakota Fanning plays one of their number – as if they could make her look any scarier than she is.

It's a very maundering sort of picture, much less fun than the first, though it still has that extraordinary-looking duo as its stars; whenever they're on screen together I found myself debating which of them is more alluring, Pattinson with his great hair and killer cheekbones, or Stewart with her pale brow and facial morse code. They're as gorgeous together as Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman, or Bogart and Bacall. If only they also had their dialogue to match.