I'm proud to bring you the small print of the peace pact

Mr Milosevic is an honourable man, a man with whom we can do business

WE CAN'T really discuss the end of the Serbian war until we have read and understood the small print of the peace agreement, so I take great pride today in bringing you the entire text of the Kosovo settlement as hammered out between Nato and the Yugoslavs. I beg you to read this before you reach a dispassionate, objective ver- dict on the whole sorry enterprise.

1. This agreement between Nato and the Yugoslav government is to be known as "this agreement between Nato and the Yugoslav government", wherein Nato shall also be known as "the goodies", and the Yugoslavs as "the baddies", except in Yugoslavia where the roles may be reversed. Note that Yugoslavia (which used to be called Jugoslavia ) is not exactly the same as "the former Yugoslavia", but may, if you wish, be referred to as "the former - former - Yugoslavia".

2. This pact signals the end of hostilities, with the following exceptions.

3. That Nato will continue a full bombing campaign after the peace agreement is signed, until Nato is satisfied that the Yugoslavs are honouring the peace agreement.

4. Meanwhile, as soon as peace is declared, the Serbs will increase their shelling of anywhere they consider to be a KLA stronghold and take advantage of the added-on injury time to cover up as much evidence as possible of the atrocities committed by them in Kosovo.

5. Which were not Serbian atrocities at all, but the result of all that Nato bombing.

6. And I'm the Queen of Sheba.

7. When hostilities are at an end, the peace shall be greeted in the Western media as a great victory for Nato.

8. Also as a great victory on Belgrade TV for President Milosevic.

9. And a personal triumph for Tony Blair.

10. (And for Bill Clinton, etc.)

11. Nato shall claim it has end-ed the war because its initial objective - of getting the refugees back to Kosovo - has been reached.

12. Although that was not the initial objective at all, because when the war started none of these refugees had yet flooded out, the initial objective of the war being to stop the Kosovans being ethnically cleansed in the first place, and the only effect of the bombing being to allow the Serbs to actually do MORE raping, pillaging and murder in Kosovo while they still had the chance.

13. The action of British Airways in taking off the global folksy designs from their tailfins and using instead the Union Jack, shall not be referred to as "ethnic cleansing".

14. The British tabloid papers shall be encouraged to desist from referring to the tyrant Slobodan Milosevic as "Slobba".

15. Or indeed as "the tyrant Slobodan Milosevic".

16. For Mr Milosevic is an honourable man, a man with whom we can do business, a world statesman who has come to an honourable agreement to ensure peace.

17. Even though he is a killer whom everyone hates and who will be arrested on war crime charges if he ever steps outside Yugoslavia - to get that bolt-hole villa in Greece, for example.

18. It shall be made clear to the American public that the Michael Jackson who is command of Nato forces on the ground is not the same Michael Jackson who sings and dances, as the Michael Jackson in charge of Nato is a white guy.

19. Mark you, the singing, dancing Michael Jackson is also pretty much a white guy these days.

20. Nevertheless, it is a different guy, but just as good in his own way.

21. The American public must be persuaded that the end of the war to get rid of Mr Milosevic has been a total victory, even though Slobba shows no signs of going.

22. Just as the US was persuaded that the campaigns to get rid of Saddam Hussein, Colonel Gadaffi, Castro, etc, were total victories.

23. Even though there is no sign of any of them going.

24. Raising the horrible thought that when the Americans set their heart on toppling someone, that only serves to cement them in power for half a century.

25. And that the only people who ever get toppled are close allies of the Americans, like Marcos, the Shah, etc etc.

26. Still, that's another problem for another day.

27. Meanwhile, the refugees from Kosovo shall be allowed to go back to their homes which no longer exist, and look for relatives, and live in peace with the Serbian army when the Nato troops have gone, and so look forward to the next outbreak of fighting and ethnic cleansing.

28. Which is also a problem for another day.

29. Meanwhile, we have won a famous victory, hurray, hurray.

30. And we're the Queen of Sheba.