Are fishermen gutted (Maureen Hewitt)? No, that's gastro-enterologists (CM Knight). Are medieval castles demoted (Matthew White)? No, that's ophthalmologists (Mary Brooker). So: is Anna Kournikova deduced (Reg Kilby)? No, that's Benito Mussolini (Derek Holmes).
Are heroes unsung (Norah Smith) and jockeys unbridled (Glyn Vinnicombe)? Are Mediterranean holiday guides exCreted (Luela Palmer) and customs officers excised (Muriel Hocking)? Are Kwik-Fit fitters retyred (Graham Thomson) and policemen re-allo-allo-allo-cated (Douglas Whetherly)?
If vasectomists get the sac (John Lamper) and eunuchs are disseminated (John Terris), would a circumciser claim severance pay (Octavia Leigh)? Do jazzmen get the sax (Alan Cook), are musicians minimalised (Bernard Sharp) and mime artists spoken to (Alan Brooker)? And if poets are diversified (Tony Brandon) and authors denounced (Joan Vinnicombe), are serial writers discontinued (Shirley Edmundson) and journalists goodbyelined (David Brunnen) and Creativity columnists outwitted (Philip Marlow)?
If topiarists are clipped (John Bronsdon) and hairdressers trimmed (Harold Smith), are telephonists disconnected (Rae Goddard)? If City traders are given the Porsche (Peter Thomas) and commissioners for oaths discussed (Claire Dalby), are Cyclops decentraleyesed (Richard Alderton)? If Moonies are dissected (John O'Byrne) and nuns are disordered (Patrick Daunt), is the House of Lords dismantled (Liz Golding)?
If secret agents are despised (Peter Houghton) and pirates dispatched (Michael Coyle), are May Queens dismayed (Margaret Woods)? If fishmongers are decoded (Margaret Watson) and teachers declasse (Rosamund Hall), are soft-toy makers deferred (Suzanne Cormack)? If architects are withdrawn (Drew Barrow) and midwives pushed, (L Hughes) are hatters doffed (Valerie Laurance)?
Are seamen disabled (Mick, Jack and Alfie), widows debrided (Bruce Birchall) and Trappist monks disquieted (Daniel Holloway)? Are colonic irrigationists given the bum's rush (Paul Turner) and estate agents subject to contract (Ian Hurdley)? Are fox-hunters hounded out (Mike Gifford) and undertakers boxed off (Andrew Duncan)?
Are rioters demobbed (JA Kelly), grooms destabilised (Bill Palmer) and garment-makers dematerialised (Martin Brown)? Are meteorologists disgusted (TM O'Grady), cashiers distilled (Colin O'Hare) and Asian refugees disoriented (Susan Tomes)? Are taxidermists stuffed (Pat Gould), jugglers dropped (Ken Moore) and balloonists let go (Tom Gaunt)? Are detectives excluded (RJ Pickles), organists stopped (JR Gore) and chefs vomited (NE Gough)?
And are Monster Raving Loony Parties devoted (Peter Fooks), accountants given a P20+5+20 (James P Hickey) and dyslexic bakers made rebundant (Vera James)?
Norah Smith, Claire Dalby, Vera James and Richard Alderton win a Chambers Dictionary of Quotations. Creative uses for a genetically modified tomato could win you one by writing to Creativity, Features, The Independent, 1 Canada Square, London E14 5DL; or e-mail Loki on: Valhalla@btinternet.com. Closing date is 25 March. On 23 March tabloid headlines from history (Pope gives birth! - for Pope Joan).