Lyric Sheets

A recent survey of listening tastes by MOJO magazine revealed that we British prefer "pleasant, healing and radio-friendly" music to anything else. Perhaps this is why Vera Lynn and Daniel O'Donnell feature in the Top 100 of the survey whereas The Who, The Pistols and Morrissey don't.

DAD-TYPE MUSIC

(after "Bagpipe Music" by Louis MacNeice)

It's no go The Buzzcocks sound and no go The Pistols

All we want is divas now with re-constructed bristols

Samey songs and tummy-tucks for Nineties re-inventions

Queuing system music while we tele-shop for pensions

A&R men find a corpse and after re-assembly

Stuff it full of cortisones and put it on at Wembley

Package up its catalogue, wine & dine a critic

Stick it in Hello again, airbrushed and arthritic

It's no go for Morrissey and no go for Johnny

Manchester was finished when The Hac went up the Swannee

It's no go the UK Subs or Britpop ramalamas

All we need is Ovaltine, James Last and our pyjamas

Michael Bolton newly-shorn resembling Max Headroom

Frank Sinatra in the car and Enya for the bedroom

Frozen icons heated up like Tesco prawn masala

Wheeled out to meet a prince at some ill-programmed gala

Harry Secombe, Vera Lynn, waltzes in three/four time

Overdub some sirens and "Hey wow! It's just like wartime!"

Its no go the Flying V and no go heavy metal

Dose them up with Michael Ball and hope to God they settle

It's no go in Britain's homes for anything with meat on

Until they do a remix with some bloody awful beat on

It's no go for Burt Cocaine but great for Cliff or Barry

Careful with that fader John, the dachshund might miscarry

MARTIN NEWELL