(after "Bagpipe Music" by Louis MacNeice)
It's no go The Buzzcocks sound and no go The Pistols
All we want is divas now with re-constructed bristols
Samey songs and tummy-tucks for Nineties re-inventions
Queuing system music while we tele-shop for pensions
A&R men find a corpse and after re-assembly
Stuff it full of cortisones and put it on at Wembley
Package up its catalogue, wine & dine a critic
Stick it in Hello again, airbrushed and arthritic
It's no go for Morrissey and no go for Johnny
Manchester was finished when The Hac went up the Swannee
It's no go the UK Subs or Britpop ramalamas
All we need is Ovaltine, James Last and our pyjamas
Michael Bolton newly-shorn resembling Max Headroom
Frank Sinatra in the car and Enya for the bedroom
Frozen icons heated up like Tesco prawn masala
Wheeled out to meet a prince at some ill-programmed gala
Harry Secombe, Vera Lynn, waltzes in three/four time
Overdub some sirens and "Hey wow! It's just like wartime!"
Its no go the Flying V and no go heavy metal
Dose them up with Michael Ball and hope to God they settle
It's no go in Britain's homes for anything with meat on
Until they do a remix with some bloody awful beat on
It's no go for Burt Cocaine but great for Cliff or Barry
Careful with that fader John, the dachshund might miscarry
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