Music awards: Roughing up The Brits

view gallery VIEW GALLERY

Tuesday's awards ceremony was anodyne and uncomfortable. Andy Gill offers his 20-point plan to inject a bit of danger back into the show

More awards As in more categories. The Grammies dole out awards for such things as Best Cajun Duo and Best Hawaiian Guitar Instrumental, reflecting the diversity of American culture and its breadth of musical genres. Our own music industry has, by contrast, reduced its awards to a few core categories, believing this makes them more important. It doesn't. It just makes them more mainstream. Bring back the Thrash Metal Award, the Folk Group Award and the Free Jazz Award.

No speeches by winners Instead, each nominee gets to list their thanks beforehand on a website, that interested parties (their mums and managers) can consult at their leisure. Just pick up your award, wave it in the air, and clear off. Next!

Better voiceover trivia Less of the tedious, easily manipulated statistics, and more truly interesting stuff – artists' phobias, peccadilloes, PIN numbers. Even their real ages.

Bring back the howling throng of punters in front of the stage Make it seem like an actual gig again. I'm sure the performers would prefer it that way.

No VIP table area If anything were guaranteed to kill an atmosphere stone dead, it's the VIP area and its ambience of overweening smugness. And come to that...

No suits This is the music industry, isn't it? Not some sales convention. Loosen up!

Get a better presenter Someone who can think on their feet. Someone who can do what Ricky Gervais does for the Golden Globes, i.e. make them fun. If he's not available, a good comic persona such as Alan Partridge would at least be entertaining. I suggest Count Arthur Strong, whose gift for malapropism would serve the event well.

No rehearsals Not even a soundcheck. Let's see who can really busk it old-school style.

Some kind of award expressing the general relief that such-and-such an act has finally called it a day and shut up shop It could be called the Phil Collins Award.

Fewer dancers getting in the way Let the dog see the rabbit, for pity's sake!

Less prostration at the altar of commerce And a greater regard for art. We all know what sells, but it's so much more interesting to find out what's good.

Wider nomination lists As in: lists which don't offer us five different varieties of the same kind of cheese. Let Stilton win over cheddar sometimes.

No foldback That's ear monitors to you and me – the headphones that help keep singers in pitch. Live music is so much more memorable when it's clear the frontperson can't carry a tune in a bucket.

Some sort of jeopardy element introduced into the system Maybe the nominee that doesn't win gets dropped by their label. Oh, silly me, that already happens.

No acts connected to Simon Cowell Either nominated or performing. No reason for this, it just makes sense.

Mandatory performance by Lady Gaga Or Björk, or Marilyn Manson. Some- one guaranteed to do something so utterly bonkers, and preferably revolting, that your mum has to go and lie down for a while.

The permanent presence, stage-side, of Mr Jarvis Cocker Like the man with the hook at the talent-show, ready to turn his arse on the deserving under-achievers and waft an imaginary fart their way.

More accountability Let the faceless BPI functionary who chose the winner for a category come on and explain why, without using the words "money", "sales" or "industry". Not easy, eh?

No chummy interviews with celebs Unless they're absolutely blotto and likely to say something outrageous, rather than just thank their fans, who are invariably the best in the world, and all the people at their record company, and... oh, you know what I mean. More Oliver Reed, less One Direction (who wouldn't be allowed in because of their Simon Cowell connection).

More stimulants It's a proven fact that music was better when its creators were all out of their gourds, rather than nibbling tofu. But I'm not referring to the musicians here. I think you'll find they probably have plenty of drugs already. I mean more stimulants for the poor audience, to get them through the night without wanting to slit their wrists from boredom.

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

ebooks
Arts and Entertainment

film
Arts and Entertainment
Chvrches lead singer Lauren Mayberry in the band's new video 'Leave a Trace'

music
Arts and Entertainment

music
Arts and Entertainment
Home on the raunch: George Bisset (Aneurin Barnard), Lady Seymour Worsley (Natalie Dormer) and Richard Worsley (Shaun Evans)

TV review
Arts and Entertainment

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Strictly Come Dancing was watched by 6.9m viewers

Strictly
Arts and Entertainment
NWA biopic Straight Outta Compton

film
Arts and Entertainment
Natalie Dormer as Margaery Tyrell and Lena Headey as Cersei Lannister in Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones
Arts and Entertainment
New book 'The Rabbit Who Wants To Fall Asleep' by Carl-Johan Forssen Ehrlin

books
Arts and Entertainment
Calvi is not afraid of exploring the deep stuff: loneliness, anxiety, identity, reinvention
music
Arts and Entertainment
Edinburgh solo performers Neil James and Jessica Sherr
comedy
Arts and Entertainment
If a deal to buy tBeats, founded by hip-hop star Dr Dre (pictured) and music producer Jimmy Iovine went through, it would be Apple’s biggest ever acquisition

album review
Arts and Entertainment
Paloma Faith is joining The Voice as a new coach

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Dowton Abbey has been pulling in 'telly tourists', who are visiting Highclere House in Berkshire

TV
Arts and Entertainment

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Patriot games: Vic Reeves featured in ‘Very British Problems’
TV review
Arts and Entertainment
film review
Arts and Entertainment
Summer nights: ‘Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp’
TVBut what do we Brits really know about them?
Arts and Entertainment
Dr Michael Mosley is a game presenter

TV review
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
SPONSORED FEATURES

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    The Silk Roads that trace civilisation: Long before the West rose to power, Asian pathways were connecting peoples and places

    The Silk Roads that trace civilisation

    Long before the West rose to power, Asian pathways were connecting peoples and places
    House of Lords: Outcry as donors, fixers and MPs caught up in expenses scandal are ennobled

    The honours that shame Britain

    Outcry as donors, fixers and MPs caught up in expenses scandal are ennobled
    When it comes to street harassment, we need to talk about race

    'When it comes to street harassment, we need to talk about race'

    Why are black men living the stereotypes and why are we letting them get away with it?
    International Tap Festival: Forget Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers - this dancing is improvised, spontaneous and rhythmic

    International Tap Festival comes to the UK

    Forget Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers - this dancing is improvised, spontaneous and rhythmic
    War with Isis: Is Turkey's buffer zone in Syria a matter of self-defence – or just anti-Kurd?

    Turkey's buffer zone in Syria: self-defence – or just anti-Kurd?

    Ankara accused of exacerbating racial division by allowing Turkmen minority to cross the border
    Doris Lessing: Acclaimed novelist was kept under MI5 observation for 18 years, newly released papers show

    'A subversive brothel keeper and Communist'

    Acclaimed novelist Doris Lessing was kept under MI5 observation for 18 years, newly released papers show
    Big Blue Live: BBC's Springwatch offshoot swaps back gardens for California's Monterey Bay

    BBC heads to the Californian coast

    The Big Blue Live crew is preparing for the first of three episodes on Sunday night, filming from boats, planes and an aquarium studio
    Austin Bidwell: The Victorian fraudster who shook the Bank of England with the most daring forgery the world had known

    Victorian fraudster who shook the Bank of England

    Conman Austin Bidwell. was a heartless cad who carried out the most daring forgery the world had known
    Car hacking scandal: Security designed to stop thieves hot-wiring almost every modern motor has been cracked

    Car hacking scandal

    Security designed to stop thieves hot-wiring almost every modern motor has been cracked
    10 best placemats

    Take your seat: 10 best placemats

    Protect your table and dine in style with a bold new accessory
    Ashes 2015: Alastair Cook not the only one to be caught in The Oval mindwarp

    Cook not the only one to be caught in The Oval mindwarp

    Aussie skipper Michael Clarke was lured into believing that what we witnessed at Edgbaston and Trent Bridge would continue in London, says Kevin Garside
    Can Rafael Benitez get the best out of Gareth Bale at Real Madrid?

    Can Benitez get the best out of Bale?

    Back at the club he watched as a boy, the pressure is on Benitez to find a winning blend from Real's multiple talents. As La Liga begins, Pete Jenson asks if it will be enough to stop Barcelona
    Athletics World Championships 2015: Beijing witnesses new stage in the Jessica Ennis-Hill and Katarina Johnson-Thompson heptathlon rivalry

    Beijing witnesses new stage in the Jess and Kat rivalry

    The last time the two British heptathletes competed, Ennis-Hill was on the way to Olympic gold and Johnson-Thompson was just a promising teenager. But a lot has happened in the following three years
    Jeremy Corbyn: Joining a shrewd operator desperate for power as he visits the North East

    Jeremy Corbyn interview: A shrewd operator desperate for power

    His radical anti-austerity agenda has caught the imagination of the left and politically disaffected and set a staid Labour leadership election alight
    Isis executes Palmyra antiquities chief: Defender of ancient city's past was killed for protecting its future

    Isis executes Palmyra antiquities chief

    Robert Fisk on the defender of the ancient city's past who was killed for protecting its future