A guide to pretending you hate Glastonbury because you're not at Glastonbury

If you can't beat them, go into furious self-denial

(Glastonbury Festival/Facebook)

Have a sneaking suspicion you'd have fun if you were at Glasto this weekend, but didn't register for a ticket and now sat seething as you watch it unfold in Instagram fragments, in desperate need to denigrate the festival so you feel better? We've got your back!

Here's some reasoning you'll be seeing howled over social media this weekend…

"£225 to wallow in mud? No thank you!"

Effectiveness: 7/10

Rain is expected later in the week due to the remnants of Tropical Storm Bill (sounds like a stag do guy you might see walking around) but mud isn't the end of the world so long as you bring willies and employ the time-honoured successful method of just walking around it.

"It's full of c**ts anyway"

(Pic: @higher_rhythm)

Effectiveness: 1/10

A perennial dismissal on Twitter but inaccurate. For every teen in a hopelessly low slung vest bearing the slogan 'MIAMI LUSH 1882' or something, there are a hundred reasonable human beings just out to have a nice time.

"The line-up looks rubbish"

Effectiveness: 4/10

Do you how many stages there are at Glastonbury 2015? Bloody 84! Detractors will focus on the acts taking the Sunday dad slots (mainly Lionel Richie) but pretty much every taste is being catered for somewhere.

"Kanye West."

Effectiveness: 0/10

Come on, who would you rather have, Metallica? Kanye should be closing this thing not The Who and will doubtless give one of the most original, inventive and well thought-out sets of the weekend.

Ladbrokes are offering 2/1 odds that he'll get booed, which also presents the exciting prospect of a 'Kanye West vs the world' om-stage argument.

"People are just there to brag on social media anyway"

Effectiveness: 6/10

This is painfully evident from the ridiculous queues for phone charging tents, as people wait hours just to get enough battery to post a dreamily-filtered photo of some grass or fill a Whatsapp conversation with sun emoji.

But to be fair, you're the one bitterly sat there viewing it. Consider a bookmarklet like DeClutter that lets you filter out all mentions of Glasto.

"Tents are really gross, the sex sucks and waking up in sweat/Bulmers condensation is horrible."

Effectiveness: 10/10

Fair enough, if you make it to Worthy Farm in future maybe consider a luxury yurt.