New Year's resolutions - take your pick!

`In AD2000 I shall not only buy the `Big Issue', I'll read it. And I'll try to like Man Utd. A bit'
Click to follow
The Independent Culture
WELL, CHRISTMAS has been and gone, but you can't relax for a second, because it's almost New Year's Eve and you know what that means, don't you?

No, not the Millennium.

The Millennium is at the end of AD 2000, and that's still more than a whole year away.

No, New Year's Eve means you have only got a few hours left in which to decide on your new year's resolutions.

And where can you get a New Year's Resolution on New Year's Eve, when everywhere is shut?

Here, that's where.

Today we are bringing you a selection of natty, easy-to-wear, casually styled, New Year Resolutions, any one of which could be just the right one for you.

They are formulated on the principle that far-reaching resolutions are almost impossible to keep, and that it's much better to restrict yourself to small-scale, low-level resolutions. Just pick one of the following and make AD2000 the first year in which you ever choose AND keep a resolution.

So, say after me: "I resolve that in AD2000 I will "..." and then choose ONE of the following resolutions:

Not only buy the Big Issue but read it

Finally master the advance timer on your VCR machine

Try a vegetarian diet for a few days ( if already vegetarian, try bacon again for a few days )

Give up giving up smoking

Skip any newspaper article with a heading which contains the words "Mayor" or "London" or "Ken".

Turn over a page of your calendar on the last day of every month, and not a month or two later

Not put dead matches back into match boxes

Try not to strike your forehead when annoyed and say "Doh !" in a vague imitation of Homer Simpson

Work out once and for all the difference between a "sport" and a "game"

Attempt to ruthlessly split infinitives when necessary

Mercilessly go through your wardrobe and get rid of clothes you've stopped wearing

Yes, you know the trousers I'm thinking of!

Do the unthinkable and think seriously about visiting the Dome

Not read any newspaper article headed, "The Greg Dyke Revolution at the BBC" or "Tomorrow is Digital" or "New Series of `Friends' Lined Up" or "The Internet is The Future"...

Not say "I'm on the train" into your mobile phone, even jokingly or ironically

Not go around saying "ironically" as if it meant the same thing as "jokingly"

Try to like Manchester United, a bit at least

Even if only ironically

When people say that something is "the best thing since sliced bread", reply "Ah, but all bread is sliced sooner or later", and look as if you've said something really meaningful

Never read any article called "How We Met" by two people you've never heard of or anything called "My Day", even if it's by someone familiar

Surprise people now and again by springing to the defence of Andrew Lloyd Webber

Cut short sporting conversations by saying, "Incidentally, can you name any Premier League side which regularly fields 11 English footballers?"

Never say "I refute that!" when you haven't refuted anything, only rebutted or rejected it

Not say "Mustn't grumble" or "Could be worse" when asked how things are, but resolve instead to use a more intriguing and colourful response, such as "About two points down on yesterday" or "Not good enough to be repeated on BBC1" or "Do you want that in euros or dollars?"

More easy-to-use New Year Resolutions coming later this week...

Comments