On tour

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The Independent Culture
I have never been on tour before. Possibly I never will again. The rehearsing, writing and performing of a show pales into insignificance compared to the requirements of 'putting bums on seats'. In fact if I haven't said that at least five times in a day I know I'm in danger of thinking about something else - like my shopping for instance. The fact is if you tour a one-person show, then that one person must also spend at least six hours a day answering casual questions like 'What's it actually like to be a single parent?' or 'What do you feel the government's policy on single mums should be?'. Inadvertently, touring has made me into the spokesperson for the single mum brigade as depicted by the media. Oh well, I can't complain. If it puts a bum on a . . . sorry there I go again.

When I'm not addressing that shocking state of affairs, I find myself becoming responsible for the fact that there are fewer woman comics than men. Why is this? I don't know.

For my first show last week I made the mistake of eating a Kit-Kat and peanuts in the limo on the way. Renault has lent us a monstrously wonderful car so it feels like we are crawling at 20 mph. By the time we arrived I was white with sickness and bloated with the nuts. They thought I was a young farmer rehearsing for the annual festival. Being double- booked with Reeves and Mortimer in Wolverhampton but in a different room (well I assume there'll be a partition of some kind) means I will get six in, and they'll get the usual 6,000. You can have more fun with six keen audience members than 6,000 . . . bums on seats. Who am I trying to kid?

'Still Crazy After All These Years' is touring to April 17 and is at the Donmar Warehouse from April 25-30 (071-383 5877)

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