AIRLINE ANNOUNCEMENT of the week: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane..."
RUUD GULLIT - we've got a player for you. She's Sister Kyrian Ononiwu, a nun who's gagging for a game. "I love football," says the 35-year-old, who played for youth leagues in Nigeria as a teenager. "I'd love to form a team, but we're not allowed to at the convent. We've got a small ball but it isn't pumped up." Kyrian's sisters at the Daughters of Mary, Mother of Mercy, in Edgware, are also fans of the beautiful game. "Michael Owen's my favourite player; he always looks so smart," says Sister Kyrian, who helps at Barnet Hospital. "Man Utd are my favourites, but Chelsea are often in my prayers." Ononiwu could maybe relieve Shearer? She's no prima donna: "I don't do much when I score. The glory should go to the whole team."
PAUL McCARTNEY will perform live at Paramount Studios on 18 September. He's doing the gig, which may be his last, to raise cash for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (Peta). Linda McCartney, who died in April last year, was Peta's number one celebrity recruiter, bringing a galaxy of stars to the zealous organisation. Richard Pryor will make a rare public appearance. The night will be celeb-heavy; expect Pamela Lee Anderson to champion our differently DNA-ed animal companions. McCartney himself will present the first Linda McCartney award "for outstanding commitment to animal rights". Envelope, please...
RUSSKIE ZDYES! (The Russians are coming!) to Blackpool - from Las Vegas. The singularly named Vladimir and Eclipse, his troupe of prehensile-limbed balletomanes, jugglers and tumblers, are playing Blackpool's Globe Theatre until the end of November. B&B landladies, says Harpers & Queen, are hanging out "Russian spoken" signs. Other acts to catch - on the first bounce - on the Globe bill are Mystique and Hot Ice.
SECRETS 4 SALE. One of Pandora's boys caught the eye of the euphoniously named Anna Livia Lowendahl. She's an artiste who sells secrets; they're the story of her life. Here comes the hustle: you don't know the secret until you've paid for it. Number five in her catalogue (from her early childhood, c. 1970) is pounds 350. Item 30 (late teens, c. 1985) hits the max at pounds 7,000. 47-55 (early thirties, 1996-1999) are "not for sale".
OH, AND looking through The Independent's wonderful Ucas supplement inspired Pandora's players to pick some courses for more lifelong learning. Try these (player comments follow the course name): Appropriate Technology ("inappropriate technology"), Sonic Arts ("punch the buttons, but if you haven't hit level five by the end of the first year, press `escape' or you turn into a giant hedgehog"), Equine Studies ("homework at Ladbroke's, fieldwork at Lingfield"), Celtic ("it's at Luton, where presumably there aren't many Rangers or Hibs fans"), and Leather Technology ("University of Ibiza?")
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