Tuesday 23 March 1999
And so to tabloid headlines from history. Icarus Tragedy - only in your super, sizzling Sun (Tony Brandon); Sun "The Centre Of the Universe" - We Knew It All Along! (Tony McCoy O'Grady). Cleopatra was popular: Jools, Cleo, Tony in Sex Trio (Paul Turner); Cleo in Denial (Bruce Birchall); Cleo Gasps her Last, Clasping Asp (TB); Fangs For the Mammary (Len Clarke); Cleo & Sting - "Just Good Friends" (John O'Byrne).
Troy: Helen Destroyed (Jeffrey Thomas); Achilles - What a Heel! (Mike Gifford); My Kingdom For a Horse! (WS); Belly Funny! (Ella O'Key). Judea: Herod Promises Immediate Action To Reduce Class Sizes (PT); It's A Boy! (John Lamper)
1066 and All That: Harold Unsighted! (Joan Vinnicombe); Shafted! (R. J. Pickles); "C'Est Un Dans L'Oeil Pour Lui", dit Guillaume (Colin O'Hare). Becket Kicks Bucket, Sir Thomas Is No More! (MG). Godiva gets her kit off - exclusive woodcuts, page 3 (TMOG); "No cover up" sez Godiva (TB); The Peephole's Princess (John Terris). Towergate - Tricky Dicky Siezes Crown! (Alan Brooker)
Anne Boleyn: Axedental Death of an Anna Kissed! (Andrew Duncan); She Axed For It (Colin Archer); Henry Tuder head off (TMOG); Anne Cloven (EOK). Drake: What's Armada? (JV). Charles I: Choppa for Chazza (Janet Holdcroft); That's Another Fine Mess You've Gotten Me Into, Ollie (BB). 1666: House Fire in Pudding Lane Brought Under Control (Matthew White); Phew Survive - What A Scorcher! (John Lamper); Great Balls Of Fire! (JV).
Jeanne D'Arc: Frying Tonight!(JH). 1789: Shut Yer Cakehole, Antoinette! (Tom Gaunt). 1815: Give It Welly! (Colin Archer); Slaughterloo! (RJP) Napoleon BlownApart! 1945: Touche Il Duce! (JeT); Two-Nil! Two-Nil! Two- Nil (JL); Good riddance Adolf - your goose-step is cooked! (TB); Sun King is sunk (Harold Smith).
Chicago: Capone Caput (JO'B). Bohr: Core - What a Theory! (John Hawgood). Chernobyl: Core - Blimey! Bolivia: Gotche! Zia: Bhutt Out! (BB). Pinochet: Chile Con Carnage! (Christopher Lee). First Toilet Break On Moon: One Small Stoop for Man, One Giant Leak for Mankind (Al Ratcliffe). Privatised Trains - The Latest! Santer - The claws are out! Slobbered-On Milosevic bites dog! (Peter Thomas).
Chambers Dictionaries of Quotations for Tony Brandon, Al Ratcliffe and Octavia Leigh's challenge: automated phone-options scripts e.g. "This is Mental Health Helpline. If you are an obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly". Ideas to Creativity, Features, The Independent, 1 Canada Square, London E14 5DL or e-mail to Loki.Valhalla@btinter net.com by 1 April. Three more Chambers prizes on 6 April. Uses for genetically-modified tomatoes on 30 March.
Glastonbury Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend will perform with Paul Weller as their warm-up act
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 Qataris pledge to expand Canary Wharf
- 2 #JeSuisEd: People share photos of themselves eating awkwardly in solidarity with Labour leader
- 3 Women think Irish men are the sexiest, survey finds
- 4 Florida couple forced to register as sex offenders for having sex on public beach
- 5 Watch eerie drone footage of destroyed building in Stalingrad
Penny Dreadful, series 2 episode 1, review: It is still gloriously silly
Top Gear: Jodie Kidd, Philip Glenister and Guy Martin 'in advanced talks' to replace Jeremy Clarkson and co
Eurovision 2015: What date and time is the song contest and who are the favourites to win?
They came in with William Caxton's printing press, but typefaces still matter in the digital age
Fifty Shades of Grey movie shows first sex scene 'after 40 minutes'
In defence of liberal democracy
General Election 2015: Post-election 'shambles' looms as 70 per cent of voters say SNP 'should not be able to veto UK government policies'
The Rothschild Libel: Why has it taken 200 years for an anti-Semitic slur that emerged from the Battle of Waterloo to be dismissed?
General Election 2015: UK will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power, Labour warns
General election live: SNP suspends two members for disrupting Labour rally
General Election 2015: Sturgeon claims Scots 'appalled' by Ed Miliband's refusal to work with SNP