Tuesday 23 March 1999
And so to tabloid headlines from history. Icarus Tragedy - only in your super, sizzling Sun (Tony Brandon); Sun "The Centre Of the Universe" - We Knew It All Along! (Tony McCoy O'Grady). Cleopatra was popular: Jools, Cleo, Tony in Sex Trio (Paul Turner); Cleo in Denial (Bruce Birchall); Cleo Gasps her Last, Clasping Asp (TB); Fangs For the Mammary (Len Clarke); Cleo & Sting - "Just Good Friends" (John O'Byrne).
Troy: Helen Destroyed (Jeffrey Thomas); Achilles - What a Heel! (Mike Gifford); My Kingdom For a Horse! (WS); Belly Funny! (Ella O'Key). Judea: Herod Promises Immediate Action To Reduce Class Sizes (PT); It's A Boy! (John Lamper)
1066 and All That: Harold Unsighted! (Joan Vinnicombe); Shafted! (R. J. Pickles); "C'Est Un Dans L'Oeil Pour Lui", dit Guillaume (Colin O'Hare). Becket Kicks Bucket, Sir Thomas Is No More! (MG). Godiva gets her kit off - exclusive woodcuts, page 3 (TMOG); "No cover up" sez Godiva (TB); The Peephole's Princess (John Terris). Towergate - Tricky Dicky Siezes Crown! (Alan Brooker)
Anne Boleyn: Axedental Death of an Anna Kissed! (Andrew Duncan); She Axed For It (Colin Archer); Henry Tuder head off (TMOG); Anne Cloven (EOK). Drake: What's Armada? (JV). Charles I: Choppa for Chazza (Janet Holdcroft); That's Another Fine Mess You've Gotten Me Into, Ollie (BB). 1666: House Fire in Pudding Lane Brought Under Control (Matthew White); Phew Survive - What A Scorcher! (John Lamper); Great Balls Of Fire! (JV).
Jeanne D'Arc: Frying Tonight!(JH). 1789: Shut Yer Cakehole, Antoinette! (Tom Gaunt). 1815: Give It Welly! (Colin Archer); Slaughterloo! (RJP) Napoleon BlownApart! 1945: Touche Il Duce! (JeT); Two-Nil! Two-Nil! Two- Nil (JL); Good riddance Adolf - your goose-step is cooked! (TB); Sun King is sunk (Harold Smith).
Chicago: Capone Caput (JO'B). Bohr: Core - What a Theory! (John Hawgood). Chernobyl: Core - Blimey! Bolivia: Gotche! Zia: Bhutt Out! (BB). Pinochet: Chile Con Carnage! (Christopher Lee). First Toilet Break On Moon: One Small Stoop for Man, One Giant Leak for Mankind (Al Ratcliffe). Privatised Trains - The Latest! Santer - The claws are out! Slobbered-On Milosevic bites dog! (Peter Thomas).
Chambers Dictionaries of Quotations for Tony Brandon, Al Ratcliffe and Octavia Leigh's challenge: automated phone-options scripts e.g. "This is Mental Health Helpline. If you are an obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly". Ideas to Creativity, Features, The Independent, 1 Canada Square, London E14 5DL or e-mail to Loki.Valhalla@btinter net.com by 1 April. Three more Chambers prizes on 6 April. Uses for genetically-modified tomatoes on 30 March.
Review: A panoramic account of the hacking scandalbooks
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