Tuesday 23 March 1999
And so to tabloid headlines from history. Icarus Tragedy - only in your super, sizzling Sun (Tony Brandon); Sun "The Centre Of the Universe" - We Knew It All Along! (Tony McCoy O'Grady). Cleopatra was popular: Jools, Cleo, Tony in Sex Trio (Paul Turner); Cleo in Denial (Bruce Birchall); Cleo Gasps her Last, Clasping Asp (TB); Fangs For the Mammary (Len Clarke); Cleo & Sting - "Just Good Friends" (John O'Byrne).
Troy: Helen Destroyed (Jeffrey Thomas); Achilles - What a Heel! (Mike Gifford); My Kingdom For a Horse! (WS); Belly Funny! (Ella O'Key). Judea: Herod Promises Immediate Action To Reduce Class Sizes (PT); It's A Boy! (John Lamper)
1066 and All That: Harold Unsighted! (Joan Vinnicombe); Shafted! (R. J. Pickles); "C'Est Un Dans L'Oeil Pour Lui", dit Guillaume (Colin O'Hare). Becket Kicks Bucket, Sir Thomas Is No More! (MG). Godiva gets her kit off - exclusive woodcuts, page 3 (TMOG); "No cover up" sez Godiva (TB); The Peephole's Princess (John Terris). Towergate - Tricky Dicky Siezes Crown! (Alan Brooker)
Anne Boleyn: Axedental Death of an Anna Kissed! (Andrew Duncan); She Axed For It (Colin Archer); Henry Tuder head off (TMOG); Anne Cloven (EOK). Drake: What's Armada? (JV). Charles I: Choppa for Chazza (Janet Holdcroft); That's Another Fine Mess You've Gotten Me Into, Ollie (BB). 1666: House Fire in Pudding Lane Brought Under Control (Matthew White); Phew Survive - What A Scorcher! (John Lamper); Great Balls Of Fire! (JV).
Jeanne D'Arc: Frying Tonight!(JH). 1789: Shut Yer Cakehole, Antoinette! (Tom Gaunt). 1815: Give It Welly! (Colin Archer); Slaughterloo! (RJP) Napoleon BlownApart! 1945: Touche Il Duce! (JeT); Two-Nil! Two-Nil! Two- Nil (JL); Good riddance Adolf - your goose-step is cooked! (TB); Sun King is sunk (Harold Smith).
Chicago: Capone Caput (JO'B). Bohr: Core - What a Theory! (John Hawgood). Chernobyl: Core - Blimey! Bolivia: Gotche! Zia: Bhutt Out! (BB). Pinochet: Chile Con Carnage! (Christopher Lee). First Toilet Break On Moon: One Small Stoop for Man, One Giant Leak for Mankind (Al Ratcliffe). Privatised Trains - The Latest! Santer - The claws are out! Slobbered-On Milosevic bites dog! (Peter Thomas).
Chambers Dictionaries of Quotations for Tony Brandon, Al Ratcliffe and Octavia Leigh's challenge: automated phone-options scripts e.g. "This is Mental Health Helpline. If you are an obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly". Ideas to Creativity, Features, The Independent, 1 Canada Square, London E14 5DL or e-mail to Loki.Valhalla@btinter net.com by 1 April. Three more Chambers prizes on 6 April. Uses for genetically-modified tomatoes on 30 March.
tv Review: Miranda Hart and co deliver the festive goods
tvReview: Older generation get hot under the collar this Christmas
comedy Erm...he seems to be back
tvReview: No ho-ho-hos with Nick Frost's badass Santa
tv Gymnast Louis Smith triumphed in the Christmas special
Film The critics but sneer but these unfashionable festive films are our favourites
TV We're so close to knowing what happened to Oliver Hughes, but a last-minute bluff crushes expectations
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 Exclusive: Abusers using spyware apps to monitor partners reaches 'epidemic proportions'
- 2 Margaret Thatcher 'expressed fears of Asian rising' at Anglo-Irish summit in 1984
- 3 The 'Black Museum': After 150 years, public set to see exhibits from police’s grisly crime museum
- 4 Sussex couple die in suspected Christmas Day 'suicide pact'
- 5 The Unluckiest People of the Year 2014 (and one very unlucky giraffe)
Downton Abbey Christmas special 2014, review: Love is everywhere, actually
The Boy in the Dress, TV review: David Walliams' Boxing Day treat is a celebration of being different
Vagina canoe artist defends herself over ‘obscenity’ charges
Doctor Who Christmas special, review: No ho-ho-hos with Nick Frost's badass Santa
The Interview film review: Controversial gross-out satire is broad, bawdy and bad - but undeniably entertaining
British actor Idris Elba cannot star as James Bond because he is black, says shock jock Rush Limbaugh
Germany anti-Islam protests: 17,000 march on Dresden against 'Islamification of the West'
Ukip member gets into Christmas spirit with Union Flag plea to Santa 'for our country back'
Immigrants make UK racist, says Ukip councillor Trevor Shonk
BBC director Danny Cohen: Rising UK antisemitism makes me feel more uncomfortable than ever
Katie Hopkins speaks out on childhood obesity: 'Parents of fat children should be prosecuted for child cruelty'