Tuesday 23 March 1999
And so to tabloid headlines from history. Icarus Tragedy - only in your super, sizzling Sun (Tony Brandon); Sun "The Centre Of the Universe" - We Knew It All Along! (Tony McCoy O'Grady). Cleopatra was popular: Jools, Cleo, Tony in Sex Trio (Paul Turner); Cleo in Denial (Bruce Birchall); Cleo Gasps her Last, Clasping Asp (TB); Fangs For the Mammary (Len Clarke); Cleo & Sting - "Just Good Friends" (John O'Byrne).
Troy: Helen Destroyed (Jeffrey Thomas); Achilles - What a Heel! (Mike Gifford); My Kingdom For a Horse! (WS); Belly Funny! (Ella O'Key). Judea: Herod Promises Immediate Action To Reduce Class Sizes (PT); It's A Boy! (John Lamper)
1066 and All That: Harold Unsighted! (Joan Vinnicombe); Shafted! (R. J. Pickles); "C'Est Un Dans L'Oeil Pour Lui", dit Guillaume (Colin O'Hare). Becket Kicks Bucket, Sir Thomas Is No More! (MG). Godiva gets her kit off - exclusive woodcuts, page 3 (TMOG); "No cover up" sez Godiva (TB); The Peephole's Princess (John Terris). Towergate - Tricky Dicky Siezes Crown! (Alan Brooker)
Anne Boleyn: Axedental Death of an Anna Kissed! (Andrew Duncan); She Axed For It (Colin Archer); Henry Tuder head off (TMOG); Anne Cloven (EOK). Drake: What's Armada? (JV). Charles I: Choppa for Chazza (Janet Holdcroft); That's Another Fine Mess You've Gotten Me Into, Ollie (BB). 1666: House Fire in Pudding Lane Brought Under Control (Matthew White); Phew Survive - What A Scorcher! (John Lamper); Great Balls Of Fire! (JV).
Jeanne D'Arc: Frying Tonight!(JH). 1789: Shut Yer Cakehole, Antoinette! (Tom Gaunt). 1815: Give It Welly! (Colin Archer); Slaughterloo! (RJP) Napoleon BlownApart! 1945: Touche Il Duce! (JeT); Two-Nil! Two-Nil! Two- Nil (JL); Good riddance Adolf - your goose-step is cooked! (TB); Sun King is sunk (Harold Smith).
Chicago: Capone Caput (JO'B). Bohr: Core - What a Theory! (John Hawgood). Chernobyl: Core - Blimey! Bolivia: Gotche! Zia: Bhutt Out! (BB). Pinochet: Chile Con Carnage! (Christopher Lee). First Toilet Break On Moon: One Small Stoop for Man, One Giant Leak for Mankind (Al Ratcliffe). Privatised Trains - The Latest! Santer - The claws are out! Slobbered-On Milosevic bites dog! (Peter Thomas).
Chambers Dictionaries of Quotations for Tony Brandon, Al Ratcliffe and Octavia Leigh's challenge: automated phone-options scripts e.g. "This is Mental Health Helpline. If you are an obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly". Ideas to Creativity, Features, The Independent, 1 Canada Square, London E14 5DL or e-mail to Loki.Valhalla@btinter net.com by 1 April. Three more Chambers prizes on 6 April. Uses for genetically-modified tomatoes on 30 March.
After giving gay film R-rating despite no sex or violencefilm
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 Mother fed her daughter tapeworms to make her skinny for beauty pageant
- 2 Crystal Palace next manager latest: Palace consider Ally McCoist - EXCLUSIVE
- 3 Richard Dawkins on babies with Down Syndrome: 'Abort it and try again – it would be immoral to bring it into the world'
- 4 ALS ice bucket challenge co-founder Corey Griffin drowns, aged 27
- 5 Tim Sherwood column: 'It started as a three-horse race but turned into the Grand National'
Jeremy Clarkson 'sees no problem' with his racist language on Top Gear, says BBC
Lucy, film review: Scarlett Johansson will blow your mind in Luc Besson's complex thriller
Emmys look set to overhaul the Oscars as Hollywood’s prize draw
Miley Cyrus concert banned on morality grounds in the Dominican Republic
Coolio has sold his soul to Pornhub
Richard Dawkins on babies with Down Syndrome: 'Abort it and try again – it would be immoral to bring it into the world'
Scottish independence: English people overwhelmingly want Scotland to stay in the UK
Isis threat: Cameron wants an alliance with Iran
Michael Brown shooting: Chaos erupts on the streets of Ferguson after autopsy shows teenager was shot six times – twice in the head
Disgusting, frustrating, but intriguing: how the country really feels about its politicians
Bin bag full of cats' heads discovered near Manchester's Curry Mile