Secretarial: The Temp: Two faces are the perfect accessory

`The Temp', is published by Century/Arrow on 7 October, price pounds 5.99

THE FLOWER bill has come in and the shouting has started. Mandy has gone from desk to desk, saying: "Why did you send flowers to that bitch at Bride and Household Digest? You think Luis is going to pay for them after what she said about his spring collection? Are you mad?" Or: "Roses for Suzie Rhinestone, lilies for Mickey Mann! Can't you remember anything? Do I have to do everything around here myself?" Or: "Why are these dated two days after the show?" People are replying: "No, but I'm going to put it on the Pink and Plush account. She was raving about their see-through ra-ras on Tuesday and I thought I'd make sure." Or: "Sorry, Mandy. The roses were for Suzie's assistant, actually." And: "Those were the congratulations ones after the write-up in The Times. The after-show ones are here, look."

London Fashion Week may be over for you, if you ever cared, but in the PR world the mopping-up operation is in full swing. Fashion PRs are a breed apart - shallow, and so caught up in their own image they haven't noticed that pink hair and yellow Lycra really, really don't go with 45- year-old skin.

Mandy is on the phone now. "Jean-Claude?" she says, "Jean-Claude, darling, it's Mandy from Pookie Publicity. We met on Tuesday. Mmm. Wonderful, darling, simply wonderful. I couldn't get over how clever you'd been. Now, listen, my love, I was just wondering if you were happy with the job Vasella is doing for you. Well, I couldn't help but notice that she'd completely failed to keep the split crotch on the PVC hipsters out of the press. Well, I never criticise my colleagues. She's one of my best friends, but I can't help wondering if she's not doing a bit too much of the old, you know, darling," and she sniffs, pointedly.

Behind me, Leezy is on the phone to a journalist. "Of course we don't mind, darling. You have to say what you think, obviously. But Tricia was in floods for days and we wondered if maybe we could send you some of the new collection to try to change your mind. She's doing some wonderful handbags in leopard-print bamboo."

"You would?" asks Mandy, "Well, Jean-Claude, we'd be glad to help, sweetie. Not a word to Vasella, of course. Mwaah, mwaah," she blows kisses into the receiver; "missing you already." She hangs up then picks up an incoming call from the other side of the room. "Victor, darling! My favourite client! Oh, of course I wouldn't just say that. So how do you feel, my love? Aren't you proud of yourself? By far the best show of the season... I think I've already got you a profile in Vogue, darling. Vogue! Can you imagine?"

Leezy continues: "No, well, of course, you're one of my favourite writers, and we're always delighted by any support you give us..."

Mandy has gone all quiet and cold. "Oh, she did, did she? And you believed that? Well. Obviously I can't stop you, but I think you ought to know that not even God himself could have stopped the reviews you got for your pointless collection. Fashion? Bin-liners, more like!"

And with that, each hangs up, and the word "Bitch!" spits from their mouths like olive stones. "Bloody journalists," snarls Leezy, then, "Mands! What happened?"

"That bitch Vasella just poached Victor right out from under my nose! Rang him and suggested I wasn't doing my job properly, and he believed her!"

"The cheek!" Leezy cries. "Bitch," cries Mandy. And they both pick up the phone.

PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment
Nick Hewer, Lord Alan Sugar, Karren Brady are returning for The Apprentice series 10

TV
Arts and Entertainment
There has been a boom in ticket sales for female comics, according to an industry survey

comedy
Arts and Entertainment
Angelina Jolie and Winona Ryder star in 'Girl, Interrupted'

TV
Arts and Entertainment
From left to right: Ed Stoppard as Brian Epstein, Sheridan Smith as Cilla Black and Elliott Cowan as George Martin in 'Cilla'

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Thomas Pynchon in 1955, left, and Reese Witherspoon and Joaquin Phoenix in Paul Thomas Anderson's adaptation of his novel, Inherent Vice

film
Arts and Entertainment

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Singer Nicole Scherzinger will join the cast of Cats

theatre
Arts and Entertainment
Fans were left surprised by the death on Sunday night's season 26 premiere

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Emma Watson has become the latest target of the 4Chan nude hacking scandal

film
Arts and Entertainment
Lady Mary goes hunting with suitor Lord Gillingham

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Nick Dunne, played by Ben Affleck, finds himself at the centre of a media storm when his wife is reported missing and assumed dead

film
Arts and Entertainment
Lindsay Lohan made her West End debut earlier this week in 'Speed-the-Plow'

theatre
Arts and Entertainment
Artist Nathan Sawaya stands with his sculpture 'Yellow' at the Art of Brick Exhibition

art
Arts and Entertainment
'Strictly Come Dancing' attracted 6.53 million viewers on Friday
tv
Arts and Entertainment
David Tennant plays Detective Emmett Carver in the US version on Broadchurch

tv
Arts and Entertainment
The Doctor goes undercover at Coal Hill School in 'The Caretaker'
tv
Arts and Entertainment
Ni , Rock of Rah, Vanuatu: The Ni live on one of the smallest islands of Vanuatu; Nelson flew five hours from Sydney to capture the 'isolation forged by their remoteness'
photographyJimmy Nelson travelled the world to photograph 35 threatened tribes in an unashamedly glamorous style
Arts and Entertainment
David Byrne
musicDavid Byrne describes how the notorious First Lady's high life dazzled him out of a career low
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    Italian couples fake UK divorce scam on an ‘industrial scale’

    Welcome to Maidenhead, the divorce capital of... Italy

    A look at the the legal tourists who exploited our liberal dissolution rules
    Tom and Jerry cartoons now carry a 'racial prejudice' warning on Amazon

    Tom and Jerry cartoons now carry a 'racial prejudice' warning on Amazon

    The vintage series has often been criticised for racial stereotyping
    An app for the amorous: Could Good2Go end disputes about sexual consent - without being a passion-killer?

    An app for the amorous

    Could Good2Go end disputes about sexual consent - without being a passion-killer?
    Llansanffraid is now Llansantffraid. Welsh town changes its name, but can you spot the difference?

    Llansanffraid is now Llansantffraid

    Welsh town changes its name, but can you spot the difference?
    Charlotte Riley: At the peak of her powers

    Charlotte Riley: At the peak of her powers

    After a few early missteps with Chekhov, her acting career has taken her to Hollywood. Next up is a role in the BBC’s gangster drama ‘Peaky Blinders’
    She's having a laugh: Britain's female comedians have never had it so good

    She's having a laugh

    Britain's female comedians have never had it so good, says stand-up Natalie Haynes
    Sistine Chapel to ‘sing’ with new LED lights designed to bring Michelangelo’s masterpiece out of the shadows

    Let there be light

    Sistine Chapel to ‘sing’ with new LEDs designed to bring Michelangelo’s masterpiece out of the shadows
    Great British Bake Off, semi-final, review: Richard remains the baker to beat

    Tensions rise in Bake Off's pastry week

    Richard remains the baker to beat as Chetna begins to flake
    Paris Fashion Week, spring/summer 2015: Time travel fashion at Louis Vuitton in Paris

    A look to the future

    It's time travel fashion at Louis Vuitton in Paris
    The 10 best bedspreads

    The 10 best bedspreads

    Before you up the tog count on your duvet, add an extra layer and a room-changing piece to your bed this autumn
    Arsenal vs Galatasaray: Five things we learnt from the Emirates

    Arsenal vs Galatasaray

    Five things we learnt from the Gunners' Champions League victory at the Emirates
    Stuart Lancaster’s long-term deal makes sense – a rarity for a decision taken by the RFU

    Lancaster’s long-term deal makes sense – a rarity for a decision taken by the RFU

    This deal gives England a head-start to prepare for 2019 World Cup, says Chris Hewett
    Ebola outbreak: The children orphaned by the virus – then rejected by surviving relatives over fear of infection

    The children orphaned by Ebola...

    ... then rejected by surviving relatives over fear of infection
    Pride: Are censors pandering to homophobia?

    Are censors pandering to homophobia?

    US film censors have ruled 'Pride' unfit for under-16s, though it contains no sex or violence
    The magic of roundabouts

    Lords of the rings

    Just who are the Roundabout Appreciation Society?