Silly Questions: Puzzled? Join the queue

THEOREM: The expected time taken to queue at the supermarket is the same for all queues.

Proof: Suppose one queue were slower than another. No rational person would join it, it would get shorter, and the expected time to exit would fall until it becomes equal to that of the other queues.

Corollary: Express queues are not worth operating.

Proof: As long as there are sufficient people fulfilling the special criteria of the queue, the theorem applies, since express queuers will still join other queues if the expected wait is shorter.

That concludes Professor John Treble's theory of supermarket queueing, as outlined last week. That was the end of the queueing forecast; here are the newts:

What do newts drink to get proverbially pissed? Christopher Hobbs gives no answer, but says that whatever it is, it must be equally accessible to Lords and skunks. He suggests we refer the question to the Upper House.

Why is the inside lane on a motorway called the outside lane and vice versa? Mrs J C van Lierop believes it must be because the British drive on the left, which makes the right side the wrong side. J Clements blames the fact that the nearside of a car is the furthest from the driver.

The same correspondent has an answer to Pamela Apthorp's 'open other end' tea problem. Her query was why, whichever end she tried first, it always said 'open other end'. Mr Clements suggests she has already subconsciously glanced at the right end, where nothing was printed to confirm its correct- endedness. The first thing you notice is always 'open other end'.

If anyone wants to know why they don't print 'open this end' on the right side, they may write to 'Good Question', our companion column starting here on Monday. Meanwhile, this week's silly questions are: Why are Americans so loud? (Julie Talbot and Andrew Sharp, who also ask how long a piece of string really is.) Would health conscious cannibals do best only to eat vegans? (B French). And Eddie Scofield wants to know: 'Why is it, after being given directions containing the words 'you can't miss it', I always miss it?'