The key to enjoying Eurotrash: get trashed

Friday night channel surfers are meant to treat Eurotrash (C4) as the last port of call in a marathon pub crawl. Reviewers meanwhile, whatever you might have heard to the contrary, are traditionally sober when working. This is why, in spite of its popularity with late-night wassailers, Eurotrash has been the victim of a thousand stroppy critical muggings.

In the interests of balance, your correspondent agreed to simulate the impaired senses enjoyed by the show's core audience. By the time the tape was pushed home into the VCR, a procedure which somehow used up more time than was needed to view its contents, a crate of empty bottles of stout bore testimony to a heroically detailed preparation; as did a scattering of tinfoil plates delivered by a neighbouring subcontinental hostelry. And if this selfless professionalism was still subject to doubt, a bucket located within vomiting range of the sofa confirmed that the viewer was prepared to go the whole hog to give Eurotrash a fair hearing.

In these optimum conditions, it no longer bears such a stark resemblance to a trainwreck. This is not just because even a trainwreck doesn't look like a trainwreck when the faculties are swimming in alcohol. The improvement seems to be genuine.

For a start, with the benefit of double vision the nipple count automatically increases twofold. This was most noticeable in the report on the two identical Parisian bank managers who directed their own porn movie. They could only afford a pair of actors, but after a carefully administered dose of stimulants it looked intriguingly like an orgy involving two sets of twins.

With the defences down, Eurotrash becomes an entirely different kettle of kitsch. Items that would ordinarily incite you to visceral loathing now provoke a warm glow of benevolence. Take the piece on the restaurant in Stuttgart where the menu offers maggot, grasshopper and dung beetle, or Michael Winner's review of Parisian restaurant staffed by transvestites. Any other week it would have been impossible to glimpse worms browning in the pan, or a close-up of Winner's proboscis hugely magnified in the reflection of a wine glass, without prompt recourse to the sofa-side bucket. This time, it wasn't needed. There might even have been faint stirrings of peckishness.

The acid test was the story about the mother who drags her son along to all the big fashion shows. The mother, who has money coming out of an orifice featured in a separate item on the history of the posterior, dresses the boy in a bright white suit to match his albino hair. He looks like a human camera flash, which is probably why all the supermodels are drawn to him.

His mother wants him to date a 16-year-old model named after a liqueur - Cointreau, or Curacao, or Crme de Menthe, something sickly - and lured her into the family motor to discuss terms. The young suitor, meanwhile, is keener on Claudia Schiffer, on account of her - and there's no fudging the next bit - impressive chest. Like a drooling ape, he semaphored what he meant by the phrase. This kid is 12, puberty is a speck on the horizon. Even in the bowels of a debilitating stupor, there rose an irrepressible urge to cause him some kind of permanent harm. Fortunately, his mother appears to be making an excellent job of it.

Thanks to its wide panoply of important obsessions the programme could be called any one of Euroflash (flesh), Eurohash (drugs), Euromash (food), Eurobash (parties), Eurosash (fashion), Eurocash (riches) or Eurolash (bondage). These are the things that really matter to Europeans who've never heard of the EU and its 12-starred flag. That's why Eurotrash should be required viewing in Brussels, where the necessary anaesthetic facilities are perhaps the finest on the continent.

PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

ebooks
Arts and Entertainment
Mark, Katie and Sanjay in The Apprentice boardroom
TV
Arts and Entertainment

Film The critics but sneer but these unfashionable festive films are our favourites

Arts and Entertainment
Frances O'Connor and James Nesbitt in 'The Missing'

TV We're so close to knowing what happened to Oliver Hughes, but a last-minute bluff crushes expectations

Arts and Entertainment
Joey Essex will be hitting the slopes for series two of The Jump

TV

Who is taking the plunge?
Arts and Entertainment
Katy Perry as an Ancient Egyptian princess in her latest music video for 'Dark Horse'

music
Arts and Entertainment
Dame Judi Dench, as M in Skyfall

film
Arts and Entertainment
Morrissey, 1988

TV
Arts and Entertainment
William Pooley from Suffolk is flying out to Free Town, Sierra Leone, to continue working in health centres to fight Ebola after surviving the disease himself

music
Arts and Entertainment
The Newsroom creator Aaron Sorkin

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Matt Berry (centre), the star of Channel 4 sitcom 'Toast of London'

TVA disappointingly dull denouement
Arts and Entertainment
Tales from the cryptanalyst: Benedict Cumberbatch in 'The Imitation Game'

film
Arts and Entertainment
Pixie Lott has been voted off Strictly Come Dancing 2014

Strictly
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    Jeb Bush vs Hillary Clinton: The power dynamics of the two first families

    Jeb Bush vs Hillary Clinton

    Karen Tumulty explores the power dynamics of the two first families
    Stockholm is rivalling Silicon Valley with a hotbed of technology start-ups

    Stockholm is rivalling Silicon Valley

    The Swedish capital is home to two of the most popular video games in the world, as well as thousands of technology start-ups worth hundreds of millions of pounds – and it's all happened since 2009
    Did Japanese workers really get their symbols mixed up and display Santa on a crucifix?

    Crucified Santa: Urban myth refuses to die

    The story goes that Japanese store workers created a life-size effigy of a smiling "Father Kurisumasu" attached to a facsimile of Our Lord's final instrument of torture
    La Famille Bélier is being touted as this year's Amelie - so why are many in the deaf community outraged by it?

    Deaf community outraged by La Famille Bélier

    The new film tells the story of a deaf-mute farming family and is being touted as this year's Amelie
    Calls for a military mental health 'quality mark'

    Homeless Veterans campaign

    Expert calls for military mental health 'quality mark'
    Racton Man: Analysis shows famous skeleton was a 6ft Bronze Age superman

    Meet Racton Man

    Analysis shows famous skeleton was a 6ft Bronze Age superman
    Garden Bridge: St Paul’s adds to £175m project’s troubled waters

    Garden Bridge

    St Paul’s adds to £175m project’s troubled waters
    Stuff your own Christmas mouse ornament: An evening class in taxidermy with a festive feel

    Stuff your own Christmas mouse ornament

    An evening class in taxidermy with a festive feel
    Joint Enterprise: The legal doctrine which critics say has caused hundreds of miscarriages of justice

    Joint Enterprise

    The legal doctrine which critics say has caused hundreds of miscarriages of justice
    Freud and Eros: Love, Lust and Longing at the Freud Museum: Objects of Desire

    Freud and Eros

    Love, Lust and Longing at the Freud Museum
    France's Front National and the fear of a ‘gay lobby’ around Marine Le Pen

    Front National fear of ‘gay lobby’

    Marine Le Pen appoints Sébastien Chenu as cultural adviser
    'Enhanced interrogation techniques?' When language is distorted to hide state crimes

    Robert Fisk on the CIA 'torture report'

    Once again language is distorted in order to hide US state wrongdoing
    Radio 1’s new chart host must placate the Swifties and Azaleans

    Radio 1 to mediate between the Swifties and Azaleans

    New chart host Clara Amfo must placate pop's fan armies
    Homeless Veterans appeal: 'It's life, and not the Forces, that gets you'

    Homeless Veterans appeal: 'It's life, and not the Forces, that gets you'

    The head of Veterans Aid on how his charity is changing perceptions of ex-servicemen and women in need
    Torture: It didn't work then, it doesn't work now

    Torture: It didn't work then, it doesn't work now

    Its use is always wrong and, despite CIA justifications post 9/11, the information obtained from it is invariably tainted, argues Patrick Cockburn