The key to enjoying Eurotrash: get trashed

Friday night channel surfers are meant to treat Eurotrash (C4) as the last port of call in a marathon pub crawl. Reviewers meanwhile, whatever you might have heard to the contrary, are traditionally sober when working. This is why, in spite of its popularity with late-night wassailers, Eurotrash has been the victim of a thousand stroppy critical muggings.

In the interests of balance, your correspondent agreed to simulate the impaired senses enjoyed by the show's core audience. By the time the tape was pushed home into the VCR, a procedure which somehow used up more time than was needed to view its contents, a crate of empty bottles of stout bore testimony to a heroically detailed preparation; as did a scattering of tinfoil plates delivered by a neighbouring subcontinental hostelry. And if this selfless professionalism was still subject to doubt, a bucket located within vomiting range of the sofa confirmed that the viewer was prepared to go the whole hog to give Eurotrash a fair hearing.

In these optimum conditions, it no longer bears such a stark resemblance to a trainwreck. This is not just because even a trainwreck doesn't look like a trainwreck when the faculties are swimming in alcohol. The improvement seems to be genuine.

For a start, with the benefit of double vision the nipple count automatically increases twofold. This was most noticeable in the report on the two identical Parisian bank managers who directed their own porn movie. They could only afford a pair of actors, but after a carefully administered dose of stimulants it looked intriguingly like an orgy involving two sets of twins.

With the defences down, Eurotrash becomes an entirely different kettle of kitsch. Items that would ordinarily incite you to visceral loathing now provoke a warm glow of benevolence. Take the piece on the restaurant in Stuttgart where the menu offers maggot, grasshopper and dung beetle, or Michael Winner's review of Parisian restaurant staffed by transvestites. Any other week it would have been impossible to glimpse worms browning in the pan, or a close-up of Winner's proboscis hugely magnified in the reflection of a wine glass, without prompt recourse to the sofa-side bucket. This time, it wasn't needed. There might even have been faint stirrings of peckishness.

The acid test was the story about the mother who drags her son along to all the big fashion shows. The mother, who has money coming out of an orifice featured in a separate item on the history of the posterior, dresses the boy in a bright white suit to match his albino hair. He looks like a human camera flash, which is probably why all the supermodels are drawn to him.

His mother wants him to date a 16-year-old model named after a liqueur - Cointreau, or Curacao, or Crme de Menthe, something sickly - and lured her into the family motor to discuss terms. The young suitor, meanwhile, is keener on Claudia Schiffer, on account of her - and there's no fudging the next bit - impressive chest. Like a drooling ape, he semaphored what he meant by the phrase. This kid is 12, puberty is a speck on the horizon. Even in the bowels of a debilitating stupor, there rose an irrepressible urge to cause him some kind of permanent harm. Fortunately, his mother appears to be making an excellent job of it.

Thanks to its wide panoply of important obsessions the programme could be called any one of Euroflash (flesh), Eurohash (drugs), Euromash (food), Eurobash (parties), Eurosash (fashion), Eurocash (riches) or Eurolash (bondage). These are the things that really matter to Europeans who've never heard of the EU and its 12-starred flag. That's why Eurotrash should be required viewing in Brussels, where the necessary anaesthetic facilities are perhaps the finest on the continent.

Arts and Entertainment

Film Leonardo DiCaprio hunts Tom Hardy

Arts and Entertainment
And now for something completely different: the ‘Sin City’ episode of ‘Casualty’
TV
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

ebooks
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
SPONSORED FEATURES

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    Turkey-Kurdish conflict: Obama's deal with Ankara is a betrayal of Syrian Kurds and may not even weaken Isis

    US betrayal of old ally brings limited reward

    Since the accord, the Turks have only waged war on Kurds while no US bomber has used Incirlik airbase, says Patrick Cockburn
    VIPs gather for opening of second Suez Canal - but doubts linger over security

    'A gift from Egypt to the rest of the world'

    VIPs gather for opening of second Suez Canal - but is it really needed?
    Jeremy Corbyn dresses abysmally. That's a great thing because it's genuine

    Jeremy Corbyn dresses abysmally. That's a great thing because it's genuine

    Fashion editor, Alexander Fury, applauds a man who clearly has more important things on his mind
    The male menopause and intimations of mortality

    Aches, pains and an inkling of mortality

    So the male menopause is real, they say, but what would the Victorians, 'old' at 30, think of that, asks DJ Taylor
    Man Booker Prize 2015: Anna Smaill - How can I possibly be on the list with these writers I have idolised?

    'How can I possibly be on the list with these writers I have idolised?'

    Man Booker Prize nominee Anna Smaill on the rise of Kiwi lit
    Bettany Hughes interview: The historian on how Socrates would have solved Greece's problems

    Bettany Hughes interview

    The historian on how Socrates would have solved Greece's problems
    Art of the state: Pyongyang propaganda posters to be exhibited in China

    Art of the state

    Pyongyang propaganda posters to be exhibited in China
    Mildreds and Vanilla Black have given vegetarian food a makeover in new cookbooks

    Vegetarian food gets a makeover

    Long-time vegetarian Holly Williams tries to recreate some of the inventive recipes in Mildreds and Vanilla Black's new cookbooks
    The haunting of Shirley Jackson: Was the gothic author's life really as bleak as her fiction?

    The haunting of Shirley Jackson

    Was the gothic author's life really as bleak as her fiction?
    Bill Granger recipes: Heading off on holiday? Try out our chef's seaside-inspired dishes...

    Bill Granger's seaside-inspired recipes

    These dishes are so easy to make, our chef is almost embarrassed to call them recipes
    Ashes 2015: Tourists are limp, leaderless and distinctly UnAustralian

    Tourists are limp, leaderless and distinctly UnAustralian

    A woefully out-of-form Michael Clarke embodies his team's fragile Ashes campaign, says Michael Calvin
    Blairites be warned, this could be the moment Labour turns into Syriza

    Andrew Grice: Inside Westminster

    Blairites be warned, this could be the moment Labour turns into Syriza
    HMS Victory: The mystery of Britain's worst naval disaster is finally solved - 271 years later

    The mystery of Britain's worst naval disaster is finally solved - 271 years later

    Exclusive: David Keys reveals the research that finally explains why HMS Victory went down with the loss of 1,100 lives
    Survivors of the Nagasaki atomic bomb attack: Japan must not abandon its post-war pacifism

    'I saw people so injured you couldn't tell if they were dead or alive'

    Nagasaki survivors on why Japan must not abandon its post-war pacifism
    Jon Stewart: The voice of Democrats who felt Obama had failed to deliver on his 'Yes We Can' slogan, and the voter he tried hardest to keep onside

    The voter Obama tried hardest to keep onside

    Outgoing The Daily Show host, Jon Stewart, became the voice of Democrats who felt the President had failed to deliver on his ‘Yes We Can’ slogan. Tim Walker charts the ups and downs of their 10-year relationship on screen