The unkindest cut of all is coming to a screen near you

Miles Kington trembles with excitement at the BBC autumn schedules - what a feast of treats in store for you!

WELL, THE BBC autumn schedules are upon us again, an event which leaves many of us weak with excitement. In case you can hardly bear to find out what unexpected things they are bringing us, I have decided to calm you down with an introductory compilation of the best of the Beeb's new ideas...

We enter the inner sanctum of Chateau Delia, yes, into the recesses of Delia's new conservatory, where Delia is waiting impatiently for us to arrive.

Delia: Right, let's get cracking, as I said last week when tackling how to boil an egg. But I fear I may have gone too far, too fast, as many of you never really learnt from their parents all about the concept of boiling, so this week I am going to go right back to basics and tell you how to boil a kettle. It's important to choose the right kettle, so...

Cut to a cocktail bar in Havana, Cuba, where Michael Palin is sitting on a bar stool.

Palin: So here I am, trying to follow in Ernest Hemingway's footsteps round the world in 80 days. I wonder if I can make it. I wonder what Papa Hemingway would have done. Well, he would have stopped off for a drink, I think, so I've come to Ernest's favourite bar here in Havana to ask for his favourite drink. OK, Alfredo?

Barman: Lo siento, senor, pero no hablo Ingles.

Palin: Oh, dear. He doesn't talk English. I wonder what Ernest Hemingway would have done.

Cut to Angus Deayton.

Deayton: So Ian's team have a wind-assisted four points, but Paul Merton has a super-charged six points. Moving on from the first round we come to something which, in time-honoured fashion, we call Round Number Two...

Cut to time-lapse clouds racing over a huge plain at the far end of which are vast mountains. Sir David Attenborough glides past in a hot-air balloon.

Attenborough: There are only two animals that can fly. Man and the birds. Birds do it by flapping their wings. Man does it by going into a travel agency and asking what's on offer in the Med, or, failing that, the Canaries. In some ways I think we can say that birds are more advanced...

Cut to Delia's kitchen. Delia is holding a kettle under a tap.

Delia: How to fill a kettle? Well, it's quicker to turn the tap on full and, of course, that will fill it more quickly, but you've always got the danger of splashing yourself then. I'd always opt every time for a slower flow. It takes a little longer, but it's a lot safer.

Cut to Michael Palin sitting on the bar stool in Cuba.

Palin: Alfredo has just told me that, when Hemingway died, he left a bar bill of nearly $400 behind, and he would be grateful if I paid it. I've had a whip-round with the camera crew and the producer, and we've just about got it between us, so...

Cut to Angus Deayton

Deayton: ...and in this round, which is called The Missing Word Round, you have to supply the missing word in the headline, which is why it's called The Missing Word Round.

Paul Merton: Why isn't it called The Missing Word In The Headline Round? (Laughter.)

Deayton: I don't really know. (Laughter.)

Ian Hislop: If I know, do I get a point? (Laughter.)

Deayton: And the headlines will either be from the national press or from this week's guest publication, Poultry Keepers' Times...

Cut to a meeting of BBC TV executives.

First Exec: This Bridget Jones's Diary seems very popular. Why don't we put it on television?

Second Exec: We can't afford to buy the rights.

Third Exec: Why don't we repeat old programmes about single women and call it a Bridget Jones evening, even though there's nothing about her in it?

All: Brilliant!

Cut to Delia Smith.

Delia: Which way should you turn the tap ? Well, in my experience it's always best to...

Cut to David Attenborough going through passsport control.

Attenborough: Flying isn't just about flying. It's about taking off as well. And landing.

Cut to Michael Palin.

Palin: I think we're in trouble here, settling this bar bill. Apparently $400, allowing for inflation, would be about five grand by now. I wonder what Papa Hemingway would have done...?

Cut to Angus Deayton

Deayton: So Ian Hislop's team are charging up the fast lane with a speedy eight points, but Paul Merton's side are stuck behind a lorry in the slow lane with a tortoise-like five points...

Cut to BBC announcer.

Announcer: And now it's time for Test Match cricket, so let's turn over to Channel 4...

Arts and Entertainment

Film Leonardo DiCaprio hunts Tom Hardy

Arts and Entertainment
And now for something completely different: the ‘Sin City’ episode of ‘Casualty’
TV
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

ebooks
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
SPONSORED FEATURES

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    Giants Club: After wholesale butchery of Idi Amin's regime, Uganda’s giants flourish once again

    Uganda's giants are flourishing once again

    After the wholesale butchery of Idi Amin's regime, elephant populations are finally recovering
    The London: After 350 years, the riddle of Britain's exploding fleet is finally solved

    After 350 years, the riddle of Britain's exploding fleet is finally solved

    Archaeologists will recover a crucial item from the wreck of the London which could help shed more light on what happened in the vessel's final seconds
    Airbus has patented a jet that could fly from London to New York in one hour

    Airbus has patented a jet that could fly from London to New York in one hour

    The invention involves turbojets and ramjets - a type of jet engine - and a rocket motor
    10 best sun creams for kids

    10 best sun creams for kids

    Protect delicate and sensitive skin with products specially formulated for little ones
    Tate Sensorium: New exhibition at Tate Britain invites art lovers to taste, smell and hear art

    Tate Sensorium

    New exhibition at Tate Britain invites art lovers to taste, smell and hear art
    Ashes 2015: Nice guy Steven Finn is making up for lost time – and quickly

    Nice guy Finn is making up for lost time – and quickly

    He was man-of-the-match in the third Test following his recall to the England side
    Ashes 2015: Remember Ashton Agar? The No 11 that nearly toppled England

    Remember Ashton Agar?

    The No 11 that nearly toppled England
    Turkey-Kurdish conflict: Obama's deal with Ankara is a betrayal of Syrian Kurds and may not even weaken Isis

    US betrayal of old ally brings limited reward

    Since the accord, the Turks have only waged war on Kurds while no US bomber has used Incirlik airbase, says Patrick Cockburn
    VIPs gather for opening of second Suez Canal - but doubts linger over security

    'A gift from Egypt to the rest of the world'

    VIPs gather for opening of second Suez Canal - but is it really needed?
    Jeremy Corbyn dresses abysmally. That's a great thing because it's genuine

    Jeremy Corbyn dresses abysmally. That's a great thing because it's genuine

    Fashion editor, Alexander Fury, applauds a man who clearly has more important things on his mind
    The male menopause and intimations of mortality

    Aches, pains and an inkling of mortality

    So the male menopause is real, they say, but what would the Victorians, 'old' at 30, think of that, asks DJ Taylor
    Man Booker Prize 2015: Anna Smaill - How can I possibly be on the list with these writers I have idolised?

    'How can I possibly be on the list with these writers I have idolised?'

    Man Booker Prize nominee Anna Smaill on the rise of Kiwi lit
    Bettany Hughes interview: The historian on how Socrates would have solved Greece's problems

    Bettany Hughes interview

    The historian on how Socrates would have solved Greece's problems
    Art of the state: Pyongyang propaganda posters to be exhibited in China

    Art of the state

    Pyongyang propaganda posters to be exhibited in China
    Mildreds and Vanilla Black have given vegetarian food a makeover in new cookbooks

    Vegetarian food gets a makeover

    Long-time vegetarian Holly Williams tries to recreate some of the inventive recipes in Mildreds and Vanilla Black's new cookbooks