Arsenic and Old Lace, Strand Theatre, London <br></br>Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat, New London Theatre, London <br></br>My Brilliant Divorce, Apollo Shaftesbury, London

Them off the telly, up there on the boards

I was eavesdropping on the woman in the row behind me. "I said I was going to see this show. So she said, 'Is there anybody famous in it?' And I said, 'Thelma Barlow off Coronation Street.' And she said, 'Is that it?'"

That's what the West End is for, after all – seeing "her off the telly" in the flesh. In the case of Arsenic and Old Lace, the unknown friend was being a little unjust. The show also boasts Stephen Tompkinson from Drop the Dead Donkey and Ballykissangel, and Michael Richards, a familiar face from Seinfeld and the movies. Thelma Barlow is indeed extremely accomplished. But this creaky old tale of two sweet little murderesses in wartime Brooklyn is so dated, it's rather like watching somebody ride a penny-farthing with aplomb.

Tompkinson, as the only sane member of the Brewster family, capers, goggles and doubletakes in the dull straight man role. Rupert Vansittart is splendid as mad Uncle Teddy, who thinks he's Roosevelt and can't go up the stairs without shouting "Charge!" Richards plays Jonathan Brewster, the ugly mobster, with panache, and I loved his sidekick, Dr Einstein: Paul Rider impersonates Peter Lorre, forever trying to restrain his psychotic "Chonny".

Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat has Stephen Gately as its "him off the telly". I had only the vaguest idea who this little hop-'o-my-thumb was, but apart from a few nerves and a voice which tended towards the nasal, I found him quite beguiling. I knew musicals were camp, but I didn't realise they were actually gay these days. Gately posed in a variety of shiny outfits and gold pants and looked understandably terrified when Mrs Potiphar, a giantess, flung one of her great gams over his shoulder. For a finale, the entire cast gathered round Gately and appeared to pull a giant rainbow flag out of his bottom. The only bum note comes when Joseph pipes: "I have been promised a land of my own," and you think: "Yeah, and look what happened to that."

If you want the illusion that a telly celeb really is your own personal entertainer, then My Brilliant Divorce might fit the bill. Admittedly, this sour comedy of relationship dysfunction isn't a perfect fit for Dawn French. She doesn't make a convincing 51-year-old: with her Chicago bob, she looks eerily like Catherine Zeta Jones after eating all the pies. The play isn't really a play, either – it falls down on plausibility and consistency, and goes off on strange, sketchy tangents But Dawn French makes selfish, sad Angela incredibly lovable, and her high-energy performance helps you forget the limitations of her material.

'Arsenic and Old Lace': Strand Theatre, London WC2 (020 7930 8800), to 10 May; 'Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat': New London Theatre, London WC2 (0870 890 1110), to 17 July; 'My Brilliant Divorce': Apollo Shaftesbury, London W1 (020 7494 5070), to 10 May