Don't Tell The Bride, TV review: Bride shows real love as she rocks out with her wedding frock out

Nicki might consider herself lucky her hubby wasn’t a big fan of ‘White Wedding’, otherwise she may have been flanked by bridesmaids wearing leather

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The Independent Culture

“If ignorance is bliss, then knock the smile off my face,” Rage Against The Machine’s Zack de la Rocha insisted in one of the metal band’s ditties.

Such lyrics may have flitted through groom-to-be and rock fan Stephen’s mind as he began to realise an entire wedding concept revolving around the 1992 music video for Guns N’ Roses ‘November Rain’ may not be a hit with his intended.

To give him his due, Stephen’s power ballad-inspired nuptials may not have been too far off the mark if the 40-year-old dad-of-two had known his partner of two decades, Nicki, had been faking her enthusiasm for matters metal ever since they first met on the Manchester scene by accessorising her look with Doc Martens.

“What are you going to do?” enquired their young daughter, seeing her dad crestfallen after some stern words from Nicki’s sister as trying on – never mind fitting – a dress that came with the front all bunched up as if to aid brides who fancy a quick paddle in the font between the vows and the signing of the register was soundly rejected. Still, at least Nicki’s ‘something old’ wasn’t her fusty Dockers.


“Ring Dave,” affirmed a staggered and previously upbeat Stephen, despatching his best man to deal with the sobbing and the resistance of a bride whose expectations were more aligned with Cinderella rather than ‘Sin’ by Nine Inch Nails.

“The last thing I want to do is have her genuinely upset,” he continued, having already pranked Nicki with a bland dress, knowing he’d be rumbled.

“I thought she’d just go with the flow on this dress,” pondered the poor oblivious blighter, suddenly worrying about the thematic unity of his wider planning when maybe his concerns should have been about the reception in a dive bar negotiated over a couple of rounds of Jägers.

But somehow, somehow Dave came through. Despite his attempts at reassuring a weeping Nicki bearing all the helplessness of a man lost beyond the stag bar crawl route, she eventually agreed to get her knees out on her big day, seemingly accepting her attire was a “big issue” to her but was “fantastic in the grand scheme of what’s going to happen”.

“I’m going to kill him after we’re married, I’m going to throttle him,” she vowed, with genuine love. As with last week’s first episode since the series switched from BBC Three, there was less jeopardy than has been seen previously, but the characters are warmer and less histrionic – despite the high stakes.

Looking back, Nicki might consider herself lucky her hubby wasn’t a big fan of ‘White Wedding’, otherwise she may have been flanked by bridesmaids wearing leather rather than serenaded down the aisle by an ersatz Axl and a knock off Slash. And who would have ruled out a lip-curling Billy Idol lookalike from Rochdale making his entrance through a stained glass window on a motorbike?

Luckily, with renewed perspective, Stephen had nixed his original intention of having Nicki ferried to the church on the back of a bike.