X Factor 2014 review: Paul Akister performance spurs Cheryl Cole and Mel B into bizarre lap dance

The live performances proved a little too much for two of the judges

Paul Akister cast a spell over the judges, causing them to spontaneously start giving each other lap dances (ITV)

It was all kicking off at Wembley Arena as the X Factor hopefuls attempted to win over the judges and 5,000 strangers in their bid to make it to the judges' houses.

In the most disturbing moment in X Factor history, viewers had the image of Cheryl and Mel B giving Simon Cowell a lap dance seared into their eyeballs. The pair got up and started rhythmically gyrating in front of Simon as Paul Akister delivered a "liquid gold" performance.

It was even more unsettling than all of the weirdest auditions to have graced our screens rolled into one. The bleached white smile certainly stayed fixed throughout Paul’s audition.

Meanwhile Lou Lou remained a sourpuss and chewed on some humble pie as he continued to regret his decision to let Paul go last year. Simon didn't let him forget it either and the pair engaged in brief "spat".

Unfortunately, most of the acts crashed and burned, their dreams disintegrating before our eyes.

The judges were on usual acerbic form, with Mel B telling one auditionee “You ruined one of my favourite songs,” while Simon told another aspiring songstress that she was a “better stripper than a singer”.

Surprisingly, kooky couple The Courtesans, who seemed to have wandered off the set of a Tim Burton film, gave another quirky performance that earned them three yeses. Could they be this year’s joke act of choice?

Simon broke out his well-worn cliché, “You’re fantastically nuts”, while Cheryl despaired. They're not going to get her lap dance seal of approval any time soon.