Julia Stephenson: The Green Goddess

I've discovered a gaping hole in the retail market - I can't find any recycled diaries anywhere. Last week I complained that greens were now the new rock gods, with actionpacked social schedules. In the good old days we had to stick together in gluten-free clumps, but these days we are suddenly, terrifyingly, au courant.

For the first time in living memory the hempy set need a diary to keep track. What to do?

If I must use virgin pulp I'm tempted with the Aspinal Ladies' Social Diary. The joy of being reminded of the hideous social events unfortunate smarties are enduring would surely only enhance the pleasures and delights of one's own home.

What I really need is the Ladies' Anti-Social Diary. At a push, one page for the entire year would be quite sufficient for the owner's scanty social engagements.

I did, however, set aside my social torpor this weekend. Donnachadh, my eco-coach, had managed to wrest various eco-luminaries, including this paper's handsome eco-builder, Will Anderson, from their dazzling social diaries with an unmissable lunch invite. I haven't visited his eco-bachelor pad for a year so I was eager to check out the latest on the green gadget front.

The wind turbine hasn't been much of a success. Will agreed they are only effective where there is enough wind. Best to get your wind velocity checked first and invest in solar panels and insulation if they're not up to speed.

If you really want a quick eco-fix for Christmas, why not splash out on a "milk maker". This easy-to-use money-saving gadget makes milk from soy, rice, all nuts and oats. It will also mean dispensing with the packaging. Milk cartons are made out of a dastardly unrecyclable, toxic mish-mash which will clog and poison landfill sites for thousands of years.

However, the pièce de résistance is Donnachadh's latest acquisition, a heavenly woodchip burner. Due to modern technology it's fine to use these in a smokeless zone and once you start looking you see bits of wood and chipboard everywhere due to constant house refurbishment. Burning waste wood creates zero carbon emissions, keeps it out of landfill and hugely reduces heating bills.

This has to be the perfect present for the man in your life, re-awaking his Neanderthal impulses and making him feel useful. Now he will have no excuse to stagger in from the pub empty-handed.

Delivery should be in the New Year now, but I'd better begin stockpiling wood as I fear opportunities for wood foraging may be scarce in Chelsea. However, I plan to furnish S with a small axe. If you find a chunk out of your door one morning, you'll know we've been round.

Milk maker - www.harvestessentials.com and www.ethicaljuicers.co.uk; wood-burning stoves - for information about local stockists and suppliers - www.hetas.co.uk; www.stovax.com; www.stovesareus.co.uk

j.stephenson@independent.co.uk