Yes, of course it’s Alex’s fault! How silly of me. He didn’t do a snagging list – because he was dead

When everything is going wrong even shopping can be painful. Charlotte Cripps loses it with a shop assistant in Notting Hill – over a pair of red shoes

Illustration by Amara May

When Alex died, I couldn’t believe it when I heard people moaning about things like their broken washing machines or smashing their iPhones. It all seemed so utterly trivial especially when dealing with the love of your life – who has killed himself. Life is a blur and you look back and wonder how you got through it – it’s a bit like when you first have a baby.

But now, five years later, I’m worrying about the same things as everybody else. The internet is down. I can’t make a cup of tea because the fuse has gone in the kettle, and the garden is overgrown because the lawnmower is broken. I feel like my world is crumbling before me, and I am alone, with no help.

It was so much easier when Alex was alive. He ran a design and build company and could get things sorted. He wasn’t the man to roll up his sleeves – he was the creative and financial brains behind it, but he had a workforce at the snap of his fingers.