Auntie ag

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BORING IN BED

I have been married a long, long time and feel that doing things differently is probably necessary to keep things fresh. I have suggested to my wife that we swap places in bed, but no, she insists on sleeping on "her" (the right-hand) side. She won't even try it out for 10 minutes in case she goes to sleep and wakes up disorientated. Is this normal. If not, what should I do?

Dave, Liskeard, Cornwall.

AUNTIE AG: I think, if you're going to keep things fresh by doing things differently, darling, it might be better to go for something a little more different still, so she feels it's worth the effort. Why not start with sleeping head to toe?

IT'S GRUEL FOR CATS

We have a cat that refuses to eat tinned food, even the expensive stuff. It sniffs, then turns away and stares daggers. It will carry on this battle of wills for days all because the woman next door has four cats and a cat-flap and feeds it fresh chicken. I've asked her to stop, but she refuses and says we are mean to our cat. Should we start feeding the cat real chicken, too?

Graham, Penarth.

AUNTIE AG: Oh for God's sakes, no, darling. I've no idea what you're complaining about. Let it have its meals next door and save yourself no end of expense and fiddling around with tin-openers.

THE GIRL CAN HELP IT

I have been going out with a gorgeous girl for the past few weeks but have discovered that she tends to go on rather a lot about how many other men fancy her. I realise she doesn't want to take up all these passes. I'm sure she's just trying to reassure me that she's not going to go off with anyone, or maybe it's designed to keep me on my toes, but I don't much like it. It makes me feel all sort of annoyed and vaguely inadequate and I don't need to be made jealous to be keen. I've thought of retaliating by mentioning all the girls who flirt with me but it seems so childish. What should I do?

Tarquin, Tooting.

AUNTIE AG: Don't make excuses for her, darling. She's obviously not been upset or threatened by these alleged passes and is quite simply telling self-laudatory anecdotes. This is a most unattractive trait, following closely on the heels of sexual arrogance, and it sounds as though she might suffer from both. Of course you don't like listening to this stuff. Next time she starts, tell her to stop showing off - always tremendously crushing to a child and it sounds as though, as you spotted, that's what you're dealing with.

YOU WERE ALWAYS ON MY MIND

It is spring and I seem to be going out on lots of dates. Whenever the dates get to the point where a snog might be appropriate, or even going to bed, I always feel it isn't quite the moment, or I'm working the next day, or I can't really be bothered (all things which shouldn't matter in romantic circumstances) and turn into a chirpy Mary Poppins figure, trilling, "It's been super fun! Must whizz! Goodnight!" and spring out of the car. I have suddenly realised, like a thunderbolt out of the blue, that the reason for all this is that the person I really want to go to bed with is going out with someone else. What shall I do?

Louisa, Dundee

AUNTIE AG: Let him know, darling, as discreetly as you can. You don't have to come on like Elsie Tanner, but a)everyone likes to know when someone fancies them, b)these things are rarely one-sided, c)none of us know what's going on in other people's lives and he might be free one day and d) it'll be flirty and fun. Then just carry on with the dates but lighten up and chill out at the end of the evening. Ask the poor, young whippersnappers in for coffee - a car isn't conducive to kissing - and you may find that on the sofa, in the warm, with a bit of wine, you will start to feel rather less like Mary Poppins. After all, we only have one life and, as you so rightly pointed out, it is spring.

BUY BUY BLUES

What is the best thing to do when you are fed up?

Rachel, Winchester

AUNTIE AG: Shopping, darling.

FINAL SCORE

My boyfriend insists on watching Match Of The Day every Saturday when we get home from going out, during which he drinks several more bottles of lager, gets even more pissed and flops into bed like a great big bag of booze and falls asleep while I'm left feeling all pointlessly sexy. Is it absolutely necessary to put up with this if I want to stay with him?

Gillian, Leeds.

AUNTIE AG:Yes to the Match Of The Day, I'm afraid. There is no point trying to substitute anything else, like talking or snogging, because they just won't concentrate. But you could try and keep him sober, awake and active. Men are creatures of habit and with firmness and persistence can be easily trained. Why not get him to your place and let him discover you've only got one can of lager in when the programme's already started and he's too far in to go out and has to make do with coffee (black, very strong and plentiful). Then, the second the credits roll, muster all the troops of your feminine wiles to turn his attention away from beer and sleeping and firmly in the direction you have in mind. Repeat for several weeks until it becomes a natural extension of the football highlights.

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