auntie ag & uncle ony

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I am divorced and live alone. I have two children, both grown up. Every year I find myself hoping that they might remember Mother's Day and send me a card, or even just phone. But they never do. I know it's all silly and just a commercial thing but I feel very sad that my children don't love me enough even to remember.

Mavis, Buxton.

Uncle Ony: Yes. Interesting that despite your self-effacing tone, scratch the surface and what do we find? Blame: blame towards your children, even, I suspect your estranged husband. Did you not have a part in creating these children, bringing them up, and forging this relationship? Rather than blaming them, you might do well to spend Mother's Day considering your failings as a mother and how you might rectify them.

Auntie Ag: Angel! The thought of you spending Mother's Day feeling sad instead of licking the ungrateful blighters into shape, toying with your floral tributes and getting yourself done up for a fat lunch makes me want to shoot myself. After all, darling, you gave them the gift of life. Ring them this instant, demand an Interflora delivery, cards, and a slap-up lunch or you'll disinherit them.

I have been crazy about a girl for a long time and have now finally started dating her.The trouble is, when we got into bed I realised she has quite large breasts and I like small ones. In every other way she is perfect. Can breasts be reduced as well as enlarged by operations, and at what point do you think I could suggest this?

Simon, Winchester

Uncle Ony: It is impossible for me to answer this question without understanding the scale of the problem. Are these breasts abnormally large or merely fulsome? In which case you may need to confront some Oedipal disorder on your own part before consideringsurgery. If you could send me a photo of your girlfriend's breasts, I will be better able to advise.

Auntie Ag: Hmm. Does the expression "arrogant, shallow, sexist git" mean anything to you? How would you feel if she suggested a penis extension? If you want a status symbol built to your specifications I suggest you buy yourself a car and leave the nice girls to men who appreciate them.

My boyfriend has just announced plans for us to spend Easter windsurfing on a reservoir overlooking the M62 and has booked us into a business hotel. I cannot imagine anything worse. I want us to stay in a cosy cottage in the Cotswolds but he won't budge.

Sandra, Sheffield.

Uncle Ony: What you must seek, is a major paradigm shift from the either/or mentality in order to establish a "third alternative". A useful preparatory step would be to examine the relative symbolism of your respective plans: the windsurfer - plainly phallic - flopping then rising, triumphant and all conquering; the freedom of the anonymous business hotel; contrasted with the suffocating "nesting" of your Cotswold fantasy.

Auntie Ag: Darling, does the expression "Cotswold Water Park" mean anything? Simply inform your boyfriend there's been a teensy change of venue. I'm sure you'll have a super time buying antiques while he flops up and down in wet rubber. Then in the evenings you can both enjoy a warming rub down in front of the inglenook.

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