Capital gains and losses

The Kensington Diet not to your taste? Find out what your regimen says about you, with Eleanor Bailey's guide

THE DULWICH DIET: Diet books are all about noticing the thoughts and attitudes of successfully thin people, be it the naturally thin, the rich thin or the once-fat-now-thin. The Dulwich diet is inspired by a new category - the too-young-not-to-be-thin, ie the two year old. Called the Dulwich Diet after the young, left-leaning families that flock there for the good state schools, the regime allows middle-class Dulwich mum to lose all her excess weight merely by eating like her child (who eats only until sated and gets thoroughly bored by food when no longer hungry).

Eat freely from the following foods (but spit it out on to the carpet when you've had enough): baked beans, French fries, those little pots of fromage frais, sausages, peas, Ribena. Eat the following cautiously: potatoes, carrots, chicken, broccoli. Avoid: any other vegetables, wholemeal bread.

THE ISLINGTON DIET: Those fashionable people in Islington can't understand why everyone is so down on fad dieting. After all, fads are perfectly fine for fashion and interiors - why the hell not for food too? The fad will of course change by the week, so there's no time to get bored. Buy every new diet book going. Better still, make up your own by filching some spurious "scientific" American study, watch the cash flood in.

Week one: eat only items beginning with the same letter. Engaging the brain in your diet has been shown in studies to increase your metabolic rate by up to 30 per cent. So the harder the letter, the more you lose - in real desperation, try X.

Week two: chew everything you eat 40 times. Extensive studies have proved that swallowing your food in liquid rather than lump form means that it can't settle in lumps around the hips and stomach. Really.

Week Three: only eat food you don't like. I lost four pounds in a week where walnut and brussel sprout bake, parsnip mousse and aniseed bread were top of the menu. Plus studies have shown that eating food you don't like re-educates the stomach to think of food as a bad thing and you are 42.3 per cent less likely to turn to food for comfort in future. Get the idea?

YO-SOHO DIET: Taking as its inspiration Soho's best exports - sushi and sex - this diet does not just change your weight, it changes your attitude too. By the end of January, if you follow it properly, you will be a guaranteed 30lbs lighter. Eat only sushi and while you do it, picture yourself as a scantily-clad performer. For extra authenticity get yourself a part-time job in a strip joint at the end of your diet plan - what an incentive! You will find sex and weight loss are perfect partners, and soon one look at those slippery sushi pieces will put you off eating entirely.

NOTTING HILL MEDIA DIET: The aspirational thin, blonde would-be TV star must weigh no more than seven stone. The physical impossibility of this calls for extreme measures: to wit, eating nothing at all. You know it makes sense. And it's so easy to follow. Take in nothing that wouldn't pass through a sieve. Experimentation will eliminate everything that isn't liquid or powder. This will allow you to maintain your party lifestyle with few compromises. Drink as much alcohol as you like (but if it's Cup-a-Soup, without the croutons only, please) then tuck into Sherbert Dib-Dabs after a heavy night media networking, and watch the pounds fall off!

Suggested Topics
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookA wonderful selection of salads, starters and mains featuring venison, grouse and other game
Luis Suarez looks towards the crowd during the 2-1 victory over England
Life and Style
Cheesecake frozen yoghurt by Constance and Mathilde Lorenzi
food + drinkThink outside the cool box for this summer’s frozen treats
John Barrowman kisses his male “bride” at a mock Gretna Green during the Commonwealth Games opening ceremony
peopleBarrowman's opening ceremony message to Commonwealth countries where he would be sent to prison for being gay
Sir Bradley Wiggins removes his silver medal after the podium ceremony for the men’s 4,000m team pursuit in Glasgow yesterday
Commonwealth games Disappointment for Sir Bradley in team pursuit final as England are forced to settle for silver
Alistair Brownlee (right) celebrates with his gold medal after winning the men’s triathlon alongside brother Jonny (left), who got silver
England's Jodie Stimpson won the women’s triathlon in the morning
Travel Shop
the manor
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on city breaks Find out more
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on chic beach resorts Find out more
sardina foodie
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on country retreats Find out more
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    SQL Report Analyst (SSRS, CA, SQL 2012)

    £30000 - £38500 Per Annum + 25 days holiday, pension, subsidised restaurant: C...

    Application Support Analyst (SQL, Incident Management, SLAs)

    £34000 - £37000 Per Annum + excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Lt...

    Embedded Software / Firmware Engineer

    £40000 - £45000 per annum + Pension, Holiday, Flexi-time: Progressive Recruitm...

    Developer - WinForms, C#

    £280 - £320 per day: Progressive Recruitment: C#, WinForms, Desktop Developmen...

    Day In a Page

    Backhanders, bribery and abuses of power have soared in China as economy surges

    Bribery and abuses of power soar in China

    The bribery is fuelled by the surge in China's economy but the rules of corruption are subtle and unspoken, finds Evan Osnos, as he learns the dark arts from a master
    Commonwealth Games 2014: Highland terriers stole the show at the opening ceremony

    Highland terriers steal the show at opening ceremony

    Gillian Orr explores why a dog loved by film stars and presidents is finally having its day
    German art world rocked as artists use renowned fat sculpture to distil schnapps

    Brewing the fat from artwork angers widow of sculptor

    Part of Joseph Beuys' 1982 sculpture 'Fettecke' used to distil schnapps
    BBC's The Secret History of Our Streets reveals a fascinating window into Britain's past

    BBC takes viewers back down memory lane

    The Secret History of Our Streets, which returns with three films looking at Scottish streets, is the inverse of Benefits Street - delivering warmth instead of cynicism
    Joe, film review: Nicolas Cage delivers an astonishing performance in low budget drama

    Nicolas Cage shines in low-budget drama Joe

    Cage plays an ex-con in David Gordon Green's independent drama, which has been adapted from a novel by Larry Brown
    How to make your own gourmet ice lollies, granitas, slushy cocktails and frozen yoghurt

    Make your own ice lollies and frozen yoghurt

    Think outside the cool box for this summer's tempting frozen treats
    Ford Fiesta is UK's most popular car of all-time, with sales topping 4.1 million since 1976

    Fiesta is UK's most popular car of all-time

    Sales have topped 4.1 million since 1976. To celebrate this milestone, four Independent writers recall their Fiestas with pride
    10 best reed diffusers

    Heaven scent: 10 best reed diffusers

    Keep your rooms smelling summery and fresh with one of these subtle but distinctive home fragrances that’ll last you months
    Commonwealth Games 2014: Female boxers set to compete for first time

    Female boxers set to compete at Commonwealth Games for first time

    There’s no favourites and with no headguards anything could happen
    Five things we’ve learned so far about Manchester United under Louis van Gaal

    Five things we’ve learned so far about United under Van Gaal

    It’s impossible to avoid the impression that the Dutch manager is playing to the gallery a little
    Screwing your way to the top? Good for Lana Del Rey for helping kill that myth

    Screwing your way to the top?

    Good for Lana Del Rey for helping kill that myth, says Grace Dent
    Will the young Britons fighting in Syria be allowed to return home and resume their lives?

    Will Britons fighting in Syria be able to resume their lives?

    Tony Blair's Terrorism Act 2006 has made it an offence to take part in military action abroad with a "political, ideological, religious or racial motive"
    Beyoncé poses as Rosie the Riveter, the wartime poster girl who became a feminist pin-up

    Beyoncé poses as Rosie the Riveter

    The wartime poster girl became the ultimate American symbol of female empowerment
    The quest to find the perfect pair of earphones: Are custom, 3D printed earbuds the solution?

    The quest to find the perfect pair of earphones

    Earphones don't fit properly, offer mediocre audio quality and can even be painful. So the quest to design the perfect pair is music to Seth Stevenson's ears
    US Army's shooting star: Lt-Col Steven Cole is the man Hollywood calls when it wants to borrow a tank or check a military uniform

    Meet the US Army's shooting star

    Lt-Col Steven Cole is the man Hollywood calls when it wants to borrow a tank or check a military uniform