Billy Clinton strokes my hair
Says he'll love me every mair
Had me on the bottom stair
Silly Billy Clinton (say John and Fiona Earle).
RJ Pickles suggests telling him he is only expected to be "Father of the Nation" metaphorically, but says that: "Obviously, he should be Vice- President". We should, however, be grateful to him for giving a "whole new meaning to the Zip Code".
Magy Higgs has penned a cautionary tale in verse. It begins:
In office or in private place when not intent on losing face,
His actions (proved, if so they be) provide a note most caution'ry
And should be studied well by those who wish to get ahead by a nose.
John and Renee Dolan say: "When he is a retired head of state, he could make loads of money doing lecher tours". In the meantime they suggest he be used as a coat hanger.
Ian Hurdley, who seems to be unnaturally concerned with standard deviations, informs us that: "The Clinton is a vital statistical tool in the field of human sexuality. In a normally distributed population, it will be found that 68 per cent of husbands stray no more than one Clinton from total fidelity; 95 per cent will be contained within two Clintons; and only one husband per thousand will stray more than three Clintons from total fidelity." He says that lawyers find this useful in negotiating divorce settlements and commends it to Sian Cole in selecting partners.
On which subject, we feel obliged to comment on the increasing number of contributors who seem to be trying to turn this column into a "Things to do with Sian Cole" manual. Nigel Plevin thinks that Ms Cole should be employed as the President's "press here and here and here secretary". Miss Tessa Bennett thinks there should be a press embargo on all Clintonesque sexual matters "so the world can discuss the really important issues such as where does Sian Cole go when Creativity is on holiday". John and Fiona Earle suggest simply: "Send him gift-wrapped to Sian Cole - perhaps she can sort him out". Even John and Renee have suggested that Bill Clinton should be fed to her (if he isn't a banned foodstuff). Ms Cole confirms that she has thought the matter through: "Lie back and think of the USA," she says.
Let's use Bill to urge the young
Each in turn to hold their tongue:
Worship power on your knees
If you will - but distant, please (continues Ms Higgs).
Bruce Birchall says: "Get him to stop playing sax and play the lyre instead." He also suggests cloning him 200 million times "so every American girl can have sex with the President every night".
More ideas: "He could become a carpenter, with a vice from Al Gore, experience of joints you don't inhale, and he can say 'Arkansas' too." (David Hey). "Appoint him officer-in-charge of the Lie Detector machine" (P Paye). "Employ him to advertise bananas, with the slogan 'Always taste good, whatever the shape'" (Luela Palmer). "Bill's 'Little President' could be used as a doughnut maker" (Carol Doherty).
Of the many Clinton jokes sent in, there was only one we hadn't heard before: "It occurs to me", Susan Tomes says, "that Hillary Clinton is the only one of the President's women to stand by her man - all the others had to kneel."
Political alignment's been
Admitted to the White House scene
In a manner heretofore
Rarely hear about; what's more,
Post hoc propter hoc, it's true
Future presidents should eschew.
And finally, Val Crysell thinks we've solved the problem ourselves with next week's object, the electric plug socket. "Plug him in," she says.
Chambers Dictionary prizes to Ian Hurdley, Maguy Higgs and Carol Doherty.
After all that, we're left wondering what to do with an oval office. Ideas will be welcome at: Creativity, The Independent, 1 Canada Square, London E14 5DL.Reuse content