Creativity

Our request for uses for golfers has opened up a debate on the subject of whether golfers are of any use at present. "Golfers have always been useful," John Bateman maintains. "Their very existence proves to the rest of us that, however we may choose to spend our time, it is surely more meaningful than time spent on a golf course. Golfers thus provide humanity with a benchmark for the measurement of ennui." Mollie Caird, however, suggests that: "a painless l-ectomy should be performed on all golfers; then they can become really useful members of society."

Duncan Bull wants to employ golfers on election night TV to demonstrate small and large swings, with Tiger Woods ready in case of a landslide victory. Jill Warner writes:

"Tiger Woods, burning bright in the forests of the night,

Eagles, birdies, albatross, club together it's no loss.

Drive them off the range from tee, dispatch them to menagerie."

Judith Holmes wants to release the birdies into the hedgerows and retrain the eagles and albatrosses as hovercraft. John Parke refers us to research by the hunting lobby that claims to prove that animals are inadequately stressed when not pursued. He recommends redeploying golfers to Exmoor to harass deer herds, "the occasional direct hit providing the optimum cull ratio".

Maggie Lees has a similar idea in mind when she recommends the use of golfers as an alternative to lethal injections on death row. "It would give them something to aim at on the driving range, and bring stoning out of the Middle Ages."

Sian Cole signs off "yours shamelessly" after explaining what she'd like to do with golfers in the rough. (Suffice it to say that her suggestion mentions "birdie" and "a hole in one".) Susan Tomes adds that golfers are reputed to be good at fore!play, "but don't ask them to supply the condoms; they might get a hole in one". Women golfers, says John Saunders, "should be spliced together in strings and used as tails for kites". The male variety (of which he is one) should be placed high on steeples as weathervanes. "Golfers, like trousers, should be bought in pairs," says Eric Brown, "in case you get a hole in one." But enough of these hole- in-one jokes. RJ Pickles says that golfers should be made to eat their greens.

Mike Peart pitched several suggestions for us to putt in the column. In particular, he thinks they could be employed around our coast, making divots in an ordered way to smooth out the coastline and reduce Britain to a neat rectangle so that the weather map will fit TV screens more tidily. Len Clarke points out how useful golfers are in assisting small children learning to count. "When the child says 'one, two, three' some nice golfer is sure to help with Four!" Norman Foster mentions that his local bingo hall tried to retrain a golfer as a bingo caller, "but he would only shout out one number and never go past number 19". What with their brightly coloured clothing, flailing arms and periodic shouts of Fore! he also sees them as perfect scarecrows. Danny Colyer thinks they make great lightning conductors. Prizes to John Parke, Maggie Lees and Eric Brown.

Next week, things to do with the letters a and A. Meanwhile, we seek uses for thousands of slightly used ballot boxes. Ideas for things to do with them will be welcome at: Creativity, The Independent, 1 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London E14 5DL. Chambers 21st Dictionary prizes for those we like best.