Dear Julia Stent: So the mother of Tim Yeo's love child has left the Tory party. What took her so long?

When I heard yesterday morning that you had quit the Tory party on the day of the European elections, I thought: who's Julia Stent?

Then, with all the speed and alacrity of an ad lib by John Major, I remembered: Oh, that Julia Stent, Hackney councillor, monumentally shafted by the Conservative Party - well, Tim Yeo anyway. Love child, wasn't it? Put the kibosh on 'back to basics' all right.

Which joyful recollection leaves me wondering, what took you so long to dump the party? OK, so a lot of people have spent the last 16 years being screwed by the Tory party and still can't give them the cold shoulder. And like you, they are forced to carry the burden of their folly (not that your daughter, Claudia-Marie, is necessarily a burden, or should be in any way be compared to, say, VAT on fuel and heating).

But unlike the rest of them, you could have escaped. The Tory nation has been trapped by a divided and largely inadequate Opposition, a loaded electoral system, and endless false promises about a future together happy ever after (though not perhaps your experience, as you're still on good terms with Mr Yeo).

And now, thinking about it, I realise you could not have picked a better moment to lance the political boil. Election day. Just when the New Puritans at Smith Square thought you had gone the way of Antonia de Sancha and Steven Norris's Famous Five (or was it the Secret Seven?), up you pop with a not-so-gentle reminder of the integrity vacuum in which our leaders operate.

In truth, your resignation carries all the crisp timing and calm execution of a drive through the covers by that other top scorer, Brian Lara. A row of perfect sixes for technical merit from this British judge, the only question mark remaining over originality. After all, eve-of-election defections are becoming a bit of a habit of late, what with the Lib Dem candidate Alec Kellaway going over to Labour the day before the by-election at Newham North East. That's just down the road from you, isn't it?

And I think it's catching. Lord Tebbit was spotted hopping yogically across Westminster Bridge last night to get in a fairly shameless bid for the leadership of the Natural Law Party.

The only question is: where do you go now? Next week's Hello] is the obvious answer, if past form is anything to go by. What was it last time? While pleading for privacy from a holiday retreat on Lanzarote earlier this year, you accepted a five-figure sum for a seven-page colour spread of you in your north London home singing 'One man went to mow' to Claudia. Or did you change the words to 'sow'?

Never mind. You'll always have a home at the Lib Dems - they're a principled lot, and besides, very unreproaching about affairs.

(Photograph omitted)