Dear Santa: Some image counselling for the worst-dressed seasonal icon

Look, I know this is a busy time for you. The last thing you need is to be plagued by yet another wheedling, simpering Oh-please-Santa-can-I-have sort of letter. But bear with me. I want to give you something. Advice.

It concerns your presentation, your dress sense, or lack of it. When did you last have a makeover? In the mid-19th century?

Santa, you're a prominent guy. OK, so it's centre stage only once a year, but what a stage] Other celebrities would kill for it. You have to milk it. What you need is a business adviser, a sartorial sidekick. Rudolph's kind of cute, but when it comes to knowing what's hip, he's about as much use as a sockful of reindeer droppings.

The thing is, Red or Dead is a fashion label, not a threat. Honestly. It's fine from time to time but, well, kids these days, they chill out younger. Peau Douce to Mothercare to Baby Gap to junior Comme des Garons and Nike Air Jordans. Seven years old and they are dudes. In black and shades of grey. It's not so easy to pull the cotton wool over their eyes. You have to get out of pharmaceuticals and into ready-to-wear. Get some street-cred. Improve your shelf-life.

With your exposure, all the big names will be tripping over themselves to dress you. Imagine yourself in Jean Paul Gaultier: flowing red gown, thigh-high black leather boots, see-through body stocking. No? Something a little more restrained? You could try Armani; others have. You might even be able to write it off against tax.

This upbeat new image will bring its own rewards. Fed up with stale mince pies and the dregs of last year's Croft Original? You could look forward to an altogether better class of scoff: Canapes and Mot et Chandon, tapas and vintage port, petit fours and a satisfyingly chilled finger or two of Chteau d'Yquem.

Then there's appearance money, sponsorship deals. You are putting yourself about too much. Next thing they'll be asking you to do Panto. Rein in a bit. We'll up the ante. Play your cards right and we'll have you on a jet-powered sleigh in no time at all. Think of it. No more hay, no more mucking out. And best of all, no more Jingle Bells] But take care over the logos: too much graffiti and you'll end up looking like a cross between Nigel Mansell and a Scrabble board. That's a serious charisma bypass.

One final thing. Pack a change of kit. You are a global phenomenon. Half the hemisphere is sweltering at this time of year. The prospect of you swanning down Down-Under chimneys in full winter rig, sleigh parked on the hot tin roof in 40C heat, beggars belief even for a four-year-old. So get out your baggies, T-shirts and flip-flops. Wax up that board. Ride in on the wild surf. Yeeeeehaa] Hang ten, hang loose.

Oh, and Santa - Merry Christmas]

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
ebooks
ebookPart of The Independent’s new eBook series The Great Composers
  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Recruitment Genius: Account Manager - Email Marketing Services

    £18000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This company are looking for a highly or...

    SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant - Manchester

    £18000 - £23000 per annum + competitive: SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultan...

    Recruitment Genius: Plumber

    £22000 - £25900 per annum: Recruitment Genius: The Company is expanding and th...

    Recruitment Genius: Corporate Account Manager

    £27000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Corporate Account Manager is ...

    Day In a Page

    Revealed: Why Mohammed Emwazi chose the 'safe option' of fighting for Isis, rather than following his friends to al-Shabaab in Somalia

    Why Mohammed Emwazi chose Isis

    His friends were betrayed and killed by al-Shabaab
    'The solution can never be to impassively watch on while desperate people drown'
An open letter to David Cameron: Building fortress Europe has had deadly results

    Open letter to David Cameron

    Building the walls of fortress Europe has had deadly results
    Tory candidates' tweets not as 'spontaneous' as they seem - you don't say!

    You don't say!

    Tory candidates' election tweets not as 'spontaneous' as they appear
    Mubi: Netflix for people who want to stop just watching trash

    So what is Mubi?

    Netflix for people who want to stop just watching trash all the time
    The impossible job: how to follow Kevin Spacey?

    The hardest job in theatre?

    How to follow Kevin Spacey
    Armenian genocide: To continue to deny the truth of this mass human cruelty is close to a criminal lie

    Armenian genocide and the 'good Turks'

    To continue to deny the truth of this mass human cruelty is close to a criminal lie
    Lou Reed: The truth about the singer's upbringing beyond the biographers' and memoirists' myths

    'Lou needed care, but what he got was ECT'

    The truth about the singer's upbringing beyond
    Migrant boat disaster: This human tragedy has been brewing for four years and EU states can't say they were not warned

    This human tragedy has been brewing for years

    EU states can't say they were not warned
    Women's sportswear: From tackling a marathon to a jog in the park, the right kit can help

    Women's sportswear

    From tackling a marathon to a jog in the park, the right kit can help
    Hillary Clinton's outfits will be as important as her policies in her presidential bid

    Clinton's clothes

    Like it or not, her outfits will be as important as her policies
    NHS struggling to monitor the safety and efficacy of its services outsourced to private providers

    Who's monitoring the outsourced NHS services?

    A report finds that private firms are not being properly assessed for their quality of care
    Zac Goldsmith: 'I'll trigger a by-election over Heathrow'

    Zac Goldsmith: 'I'll trigger a by-election over Heathrow'

    The Tory MP said he did not want to stand again unless his party's manifesto ruled out a third runway. But he's doing so. Watch this space
    How do Greek voters feel about Syriza's backtracking on its anti-austerity pledge?

    How do Greeks feel about Syriza?

    Five voters from different backgrounds tell us what they expect from Syriza's charismatic leader Alexis Tsipras
    From Iraq to Libya and Syria: The wars that come back to haunt us

    The wars that come back to haunt us

    David Cameron should not escape blame for his role in conflicts that are still raging, argues Patrick Cockburn
    Sam Baker and Lauren Laverne: Too busy to surf? Head to The Pool

    Too busy to surf? Head to The Pool

    A new website is trying to declutter the internet to help busy women. Holly Williams meets the founders