It's not that I'm jealous. OK, yes, I'd love to be 90ft tall with the face of an angel, but I'm not going to hold my breath (and my plastic surgeon is summering in the Dordogne). The problem with splashing yourself all over the tabloids, Hello] and She is that you are making life incredibly difficult for your daughter. It doesn't matter that you live in Surrey and she in New York; the vibes between mother and daughter still quiver across the Atlantic. My mother lives in Illinois and knows exactly when I'm picking my nose. Naomi probably knows what you're thinking and can feel your hot breath on her neck way across the pond.
So, how else are you making life difficult for poor ole Naomi? Well, honeybuns, you are showing the world where her gene pool comes from, thereby revoking her mystery. Normal folks like to think that people like Naomi come from nowhere; it gives them hope that - no matter how ugly and misshapen they are - their children can still be stunners. When we first saw Naomi, she was like manna from heaven. Now that you're on the scene, we see momma's from heaven.
Parental success is a nasty nest of contradictions. Although you weren't on the cover of every magazine and down every catwalk before Naomi made it big, just think what you're doing to her now. You're pulling a Mrs Stallone on us] Why run riot and jump into the limelight now? If you start your own astrology hotline, I'll not be surprised. Not that you'd knowingly embarrass your little girl.
That's why hanging around with aristocracy is so much safer. Heavens to betsy, I expect to see you and Dai together soon at this rate.
Look, I'm proud of what Naomi has done for black models and for women. And I think you do look absolutely super-duper in photos. But I really think - for your daughter's sake - that you should tone down your act. Wear something from Next.
Or better still, ask your fellow regular in Hello] magazine, Barbara Cartland, for the name of her tailor. Cut your own hair. Gain a few pounds. Do whatever you have to to ensure that your daughter doesn't feel threatened by the very woman she should love, trust and turn to. We all know she's mega-famous, but she may have feelings, too.