Dr Phil Hammond

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"It's really rather embarrassing, doctor."

"That's what I'm here for."

"The thing is, um ... you know how I work away a lot."

"Yes."

"Well, I was at this sales conference in Bournemouth and, well, you can imagine what it was like."

"Tell me."

"Well, there was some pretty heavy partying and the hotel even had a nightclub in the basement, and ..."

"Did you get her name?"

"Who?"

"The woman you shared a sexually transmitted disease with?"

"How did you know?"

"Just a hunch."

"Yes, well, anyway, about 10 days later, I started to get some discomfort at the end of my, um, um ..."

"Arm?"

"Penis. And also some browny gunge that stuck to my pants. And it really hurt to pee."

"So what did you do?"

"I had sex with my wife."

"Oh dear."

"Well, I didn't really know what was happening. I thought about using a condom but she's on the pill, so she might have got a bit suspicious."

"You didn't think about saying `No'."

"How could I? I had a great big erection."

"Splendid. So what happened next?"

"When I came, it didn't hurt as much as peeing, but it wasn't right. So I went up to the clap clinic."

"And what did they say you had?"

"The clap."

"Just like that?"

"Well, no. They asked me a lot about sex - who I had it with, what protection I used, whether I ever put my penis in a hole more commonly associated with digestive effluent."

"And what did you say?"

"Women, none, once in the 1970s."

"Did you tell them about your wife?"

"Of course not. She told me if I ever even kissed another woman on the lips, she'd take the kids."

"And they believed you're single?"

"Well, I'd taken the ring off. And I'm a very good bullshitter."

"You sell life assurance, don't you?"

"Yes. So then, they got very heavy about this tart in Bournemouth."

"I see. You had unprotected intercourse in a hotel basement with someone you'd known for 15 minutes and that makes her a tart?"

"I was drunk. You know what it's like. You must have been to a few nurses' parties in your time, eh, doctor?"

"So nurses are tarts, as well? Sister Parker, could you come in here, please?"

"No! Please, no! I didn't mean it. I just got carried away. I don't even remember the sex. I can't even remember what the woman looked like. But the doctor who swabbed me at the clinic, she was pretty."

"And she said you had gonorrhoea?"

"Yeah. And she treated it there and then with amoxycillin and something."

"Probenecid?"

"Yeah."

"That's to stop the kidneys excreting the penicillin so the concentration in the blood remains high enough to kill the bacteria."

"Fascinating. Then I got a long spiel about safe sex and the third degree about who I'd slept with. And then I was out of there."

"So how are you now?"

"Fine. No more pus. But I'm worried about my wife."

"Mmm."

"She's not complained of anything but the doctor at the clinic said that women with gonorrhoea often don't get symptoms, so she may have it and not know about it."

"That's very likely."

"But I can't tell her that I gave it to her or my marriage would be over and I'd never see my kids again. That would kill me, doctor - they mean everything to me. So I was wondering ..."

"If I could tell her for you?"

"If you could prescribe me some amoxycillin that I could conceal in her food. She's had it lots of times before and she's not allergic to it. Please, doctor, I've thought this through long and hard and it really is the only solution. If you don't engage in this minor deceit, you'll have the break-up of the marriage on your hands, my wife would struggle to cope, I'd get very depressed and two children would be deprived of their father at an early age. They'd probably turn to street crime and drugs, doctor. And it'll all be your fault..."

"Ah, Sister Parker. Thank God you've arrived..."

To be continued next week. Homework: What should Dr Phil do?

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