The plot so far: Petronella Swillsby's favourite pig, George, has been found dead in the library at Clinton Eastwood, near Bath, stabbed in the back with a Byzantine Goat-Sacrificing Dagger. The librarian, Ralph Spcok, reveals under police interrogation that a copy of '1001 Uses for Dandruff' is missing from the library. Meanwhile, Petronella's own dandruff has cleared up. Now read on:
"Bloody Greek daggers," barked Colonel Gate from his usual chair at the bar of the Soon to be Fallen Virgin. "Shouldn't let them into the country. No goat is safe. Nor pigs now. Bring back British steel, I say. Another of your excellent bacon sandwiches, if you please, my dear."
Meanwhile, in the graveyard of St Anthony's, Petronella and Vlad, the work-experience boy, were searching for truffles. "It's just not the same without George," sighed Petronella. "He was genetically engineered."
"Sod the truffles," said Vlad. "It's your jeans that I'd like to be engineering right now."
"Not now! You know what we have to do," commanded Petronella. "We must catch the fiend who did this."
Later, as they left the graveyard, Vlad surveyed the result of their evening's toil. Tethered to George's tombstone was a huge pink balloon with ears and tail glued on. "Anyone who takes a dagger to that will get more than he bargained for."
In the great kitchen at Dunwutherin farmhouse, Colin was "scurfing the net" as he called it. He brushed the Swillsby's Extra Special Pork Scratchings from his keyboard and typed the word "trichology".
While waiting, he turned his attention to the book on his knee: 1001 Uses for Dandruff. By the fireplace, the dandruff vat was almost empty.
Back in the village pub, nobody paid much attention when the colonel predicted "another boar war", and no one even heard the Chancellor on the television announcing a swingeing import tax on Greek steel. But they all heard the explosion that came from the direction of the graveyard.
Has the rubber pig been interfered with? What does Colin do with dandruff? Who killed George, and is the Colonel a secret adviser to Kenneth Clarke? Please let us know what happens next. All contributions to: Soapy Pastimes, Independent, 1 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London E14 5DL.
This week's contributors: Lorraine Watling, S Robinson, Joan Hoult, TN Evans, Martin Brown, Duncan Bull Len Clarke, Lucy Eastwood (no relation). Joan Hoult wins a Larousse Dictionary of World Folklore.Reuse content