Failing the baby test

IN HERE

"Ms Picardie? Please take a seat. You'll find some extra cushions in the corner."

"Ooooph. Thank you."

"Comfy? Never mind. We haven't got much time: August is an extremely busy month."

"All those Christmas parties - "

"I think you'll find it's more complex than that. Anyway, as you know, I am the external examiner in Pregnancy I and II."

"I've failed, haven't I? Oh God, I knew it."

"Not exactly, Ms Picardie. I've called you in to warn you that you have not - how shall I put it? - excelled in Pregnancy I and that unless you improve your attitude for Part II, due any day now, you are in danger of failing."

"It was the morning sickness, wasn't it?"

"Well, I'm afraid you didn't excel in the early part of the exam. As Sheila Kitzinger writes in Pregnancy and Childbirth: 'nausea does not exist in all cultures; many societies have other illnesses and disabilities or special dreams which they connect with pregnancy... It is as if all women need definite signs with which to link pregnancy so that they can say, "I feel this, therefore I must be expecting a baby."' "

"So, being sick up to seven times a day until the fifth month of pregnancy was all in the mind?"

"If you'd let me finish, Ms Picardie, she goes on to explain that prolonged sickness may be 'a symptom of disturbed relationships and that, if the woman has a chance to get away from the relentless day-to-day contact with a partner, mother, mother-in-law, or anyone who is part of the stress to which she is reacting, the vomiting will ease.'"

"You mean I'm a neurotic?"

"I'd say it was more a question of having the wrong attitude, one which shows no signs of improving."

"Do you think hormones could be a factor?"

"Moving swiftly on, Ms Picardie, have you ever heard of the expression, 'pelvic floor muscles'?"

"Um, yes."

"Can you tell me, then, why you appear not to have exercised them over the past nine months, despite the fact that the Health Education Authority's New Pregnancy Book recommends practising them at least 50 times a day, and that failure to do so can lead to post-partum incontinence?"

"I just sort of never got round to it."

"I think you'll find the explanation is laziness, Ms Picardie. Furthermore, did you practise yoga, which The Encyclopaedia of Pregnancy and Birth suggests taking up before conception? And what about swimming, the sort of exercise which can help regulate appetite?"

"I just couldn't find the time, I'm afraid. I worked until the end of my 35th week - "

'While we're on the subject of appetite, Ms Picardie, you were, I believe, ten-and-a-half stone before you got pregnant. And last time you weighed yourself, in early July, you were 14 stone?"

"I'm not sure if the scales were right - "

"In the meantime, Ms Picardie, you have probably put on another half a stone..."

"I think some of that may be water retention - "

"...which is double the typical weight gain for pregnant women."

"I am having twins - "

"...and not unrelated to the unprecedented quantity of sweets and crisps you have consumed since the nausea stopped in April."

"The thing is, I still feel queasy if I don't snack all day."

"If I could refer you to page 85 of Pregnancy and Childbirth: 'Aim for a nutritious diet with plenty of salads and fruit. Cut out the ice creams, flabby slices of bread, sickly doughnuts and biscuits. The easiest way to do this is to convince yourself how nasty they are...'"

"But they're not - "

"You are obviously unable to put your babies first, Ms Picardie. Indeed, I understand that you failed one of the Pregnancy III prelims, the breastfeeding workshop."

"Well, the hospital 'lactation consultant' introduced the workshop by announcing she'd breastfed until her child was four years and two months old."

"The Board's preferred minimum."

"And when I asked for advice, she said there was no difference between twins and singletons, that she knew a woman who'd breastfed quads successfully..."

"If you'd allow me to continue, Ms Picardie, you also did badly in your Pregnancy ll prelims."

"I just hate the idea that you're not a proper mother if you want your partner to help with the feeding..."

"Ms Picardie! I refer to your National Childbirth Trust classes. Your attendance became increasingly erratic as the course progressed."

"All that misinformation about wicked, patriarchal hospitals and the joy of pain - "

"Hostility, Ms Picardie, will not help you get through Pregnancy II. More importantly, I doubt whether the Board will let you resit the course in the near future."

"I wouldn't want to!"

"That's as may be. But your first attempt is imminent. And you will fail unless you do extremely well in Part II. It's not too late to change to a home birth."

"I'm having twins!"

"So you keep saying. Just bear in mind that a Caesarean is out of the question."

"Automatic failure?"

"I'm afraid so. Now, do you have your hospital kit? Earplugs and eyeshades so you can focus on the contractions? A wedge to stop doctors getting into the room? We'll see you in a few week's time."