Fast Track: e-mail > female - Oh god oh no, it's true. i am turning into ann widdecombe

From: ClarissaH@greatestates.co.uk

Men! Got in last nite to find idle brother jim lounging round in flat with jon, endless cans of fizzy drink piled up before them

From: annahowe@richardsons.com

urggh. what were they doing?

From ClarissaH

"Yeah man, this is really boss," says jim "It's gazza, he's riding a pink llama and he's telling me that peace is what the world needs ... now it's all turning into a kaleidoscope ..."

From annahowe

wot the hell was he on about?

From ClarissaH

Then jon joins in: "yeah man i can see the rainbow ... the elephants are dancing ... i'm in love, love, love." "these bennies are boss," says jim "wot?" i say

"these bennies - in the fizzy drinks," says jim

From annahowe

o god ...

From ClarissaH

"jim," i say. "these drinks have small levels of benzene in them. not bennies. benzene is a potentially cancer-causing chemical, not some groovy drug."

"wot?" they say

"benzene. minor-health-scare kind of chemical," i say.

"o god i feel ill," says jim suddenly. runs off to loo.

From annahowe

well if i'd drunk fizzy drinks all afternoon i'd feel ill too

From ClarissaH

well i dont care. becos i am ann widdecombe of office. hurrah

From annahowe

huh?

From ClarissaH

last week i was unpopular geek in hateful dress with puffy face whom everyone thought was mad. suddenly am popular in position of power over former enemies (ie martina).

From annahowe

huh?

From ClarissaH

have been given upgraded computer and responsibility for nice SW1 houses instead of grotty north london flats. am sure hated bossman solmes only did it becos it's embarrassing that his bonkers mistress beat me up but who cares? "congratulations," said martina aka michael howard of office. "tho a bit upmarket for u clarissa." i said: "i have always had something of the knightsbridge about me martina"

From annahowe

well many congrats for promotion. all is going well 4 u.

From ClarissaH

o yeah? apart from bloody world cup. rob rang up today.

"clarissa babes. wd u like to go out for a drink? i've really missed u." he says

"of course," i say. "when?"

"it'll have to be this week becos i cant miss any world cup games." "rob," i say. "lucky we are not in meaningful long term relship or that sort of remark is a dumping offence."

"huh? if you're upset about gazza i understand. i'm sorry. it wont be the same."

cd not be bothered to explain. so fed up accepted invite for drink from nerdy cousin lawrence. asked him about world cup and said he wasnt going to watch it. went off him a bit. i mean i hate watching football but i kind of think men shd like it. V confused, so went to see andrea for therapy session ...

From annahowe

o really good idea. she'll give u a crystal and tell u gazza being left out of world cup is a symbol of yr own insecurity

From ClarissaH

no, it was really strange. she just sat there with tears streaming down her face. not like her.

"andrea i'll get it sorted," i say. "i know it's all out of proportion, the leaving thing - how it'll affect the summer, does england have a future. it's just all those endless newspaper stories"

"But it IS important," she said thru heaving sobs. "u cannot deny it. all women find it important."

From annahowe

gazza? important??

From ClarissaH

"hang on andrea," i say. "it's not that bad."

"yes it is," she said "life will never be the same again. it kept me going. and the gigs gave me money to live on."

seems she'd been supplementing income by playing Geri in a tribute band, Spiced Out and fake Posh, Baby, Sporty and Scary had been round to tell her she'd been dropped. was sympathetic for a while and then said: "pull yrself together, andrea, it's only a band." o god o no, it's true. i am turning into ann widdecombe.